Thanks, TG...I feel like I'm doing pretty well in starting to figure out "me" (had a good IC session yesterday about that) - my birthday/Father's Day is on the same day and am trying to devise something that is all about me (and what I'd really like to do with the day) and generally figuring out what I want to accomplish in my GALing.
Back to the W, there are other things that seem to indicate she is starting to turn towards me (example: was at a meeting earlier this week downtown and brought her back some "fancy" cupcakes....she posted on her Facebook page about it "now that's love")...she's definitely starting to call/text me more at work as well and is sharing her work/life frustrations with me (which of course I validate)!
I really don't think anything is going on w/ the A (though have noticed the last couple of times I've snooped that she's been deleting her browsing history, which is of course a big red flag) and is still bucking transparency (but have actually not asked about that in a while).
Am planning to talk to her about her impending trip to OM town after her double-work stuff is done this weekend (is scheduled to go to OM town the weekend of June 5), and some boundaries I'd like to talk about (and how it makes me generally anxious).
A bit of a breakthrough it seems the last few days…last night, W gave me a “love you” card that read:
“I don’t think I can ever express well enough how much I love and appreciate you and all that you do for me. I do feel like I don’t deserve you sometimes, and know how lucky I am to have you as my partner. It feels like we are on the right track to being a happy couple again…I hope you feel the same way. You are the best! I love you.”
(This weekend was her back-to-back shows and she was almost overly appreciative in how I had helped her w/ that (helped her “stuff” 500 vendor bags Saturday night and load the car the night before, and had kids both days while she worked).
Early this morning, she was just out of the shower and I was on the way in and couldn’t help myself and “grabbed” her, which led to some (non-sexual but naked) fooling around (though she was a little uncomfortable and was worried the kids would be waking).
In talking a bit more this morning, seems she is ready to start to try to be physical again (but have told her I’m still a little anxious myself and that we need to take it slow to ease into things).
Will have to see where we go from here, but am a little giddy this morning over this turn of events…
That is fantastic my friend! That is a good sign I think. Don't rush things. Make sure you read the archives in piecing so you know what to expect.
Also have you read the 5 Love Languages? I am reading it right now and it really does shed some light on R.
I think you still need to remain cool at this point. I mean let her come to things at her own pace.
Spend the time reflecting on you.
I am happy you are seeing positive signs, however, I am a little concerned that the issues that brought you here have not been addressed and if so this will not have longevity.
You are moving into territory that I have not been through (piecing) so I am hopeful some more experiencde folk can chime in here....
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Thanks, TG....I have the 5LL book but haven't gotten to it yet (am now reading "Passionate Marriage", which has been pretty illuminating).
Agree I need to stay cool and not rush things (though it's hard not to) and that we need to still address the issues that got us here in the first place (did tell her that - she would definitely just like to "forget the past" at this point, which she said just last night).
Folks, any advice here or specific stiches to read at this point???
Wow – a big morning….W and I ML for the first time in years this morning (was a little awkward for both of us, but nice)…a little rushed as we feared the kids waking up (she said we need to “get this over with”, given the awkwardness about being physical, which I agreed with).
How it happened: she had just showered and I said “I promise – no monkey business today” (after what had happened the day before) and she said “why not?”…the rest was history, as they say. The night before, she had put on the bed a new box of condoms saying “we should be prepared”, but was still pretty surprised by her initiative this morning.
Later this morning, I had followed with an email saying how much I enjoyed our morning and she countered with “I want you to be happy”…all in all, the most encouraged I’ve been to see her make an effort (still have things we need to deal with as we get past the A, obviously, but feel we’ve made some great strides – here’s to it continuing)! Her actions do seem to confirm that the A is over (of course, still always a little nervous about it rearing its ugly head again, and do need to talk to her some more about her trip the weekend of 6/5 to OM “land”).
Have also noticed that she’s been much less protective of her cell/computer (though not encouraging access or anything like that) and has almost been overly appreciative of the things I’m doing to support her work (i.e., watching the kids while she works and needs to go to meetings).
Am giddy over this development today (who wouldn’t be after such a “drought”)…know it’s going to take a while to feel “normal” being physical again (given the years of that not happening) and it did feel a little “herky jerky”…
Need to maybe change my handle to “LookingUp”, NLG
Hi NLG, I'm new to this forum myself, but am here to say hello and cheer for you - wow that does sound like a big step! I haven't read up on your sitch so I don't know how much yours has in common with mine (there's no A in mine, but I can relate to 'the drought' ) And your term 'herky jerky' is too bang on. Yes we've had some herky jerky - uh - moments too. They seem to be interspersed with 'moments' that work well too though, so keep - uhh - at it!
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
All of those are great signs. HOWEVER, continue to push for the MC. The thing is that since the OM is gone, she has a big void and is looking to you to fill it. While it's not a bad thing, if she didn't understand what caused the void in the first place, it'll go right back to the way it was.
Also, has she actually asked for your forgiveness and said "sorry"?
This is an important thing. She has to be able to show remorse. Not regret. Regret is I'm sorry I got caught. Remorse is "I'm sorry I hurt you, what I did was wrong." She has to show some kind of understanding of her actions and the consequences that followed. If not, she will let it happen again.
I can't stress enough how many people here think they're on the way to piecing and let those things slip. Then they find themselves back on here.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Thanks for the pep, Prairie Girl...yes, the "drought" was very long (7 years....) and definitely thinks were not going well before she had the A (which does appear to be over - am thankful she's starting to make some efforts as previously I think she was still in the fog/getting over the A and wasn't "present" yet).
Am going to continue to push for MC...Mr. Bond, she has expressed remorse over the A to me (and I know regrets it happening now, in hindsight, but we honestly haven't spoken directly about the A in a while, just in the margins).
Will keep these at "top of mind" as we continue the journey...I want to thank the many DBers that have helped me get to this point - didn't honestly see this being where it is now a few months ago (not that I'm counting my chickens yet)...does feel a little bit like a "second honeymoon" right now (but definitely some "elephants" in the room - she'd really like for us to just move forward and leave the past in the past, but I know ultimately I can't just do that)...my IC/our eventual MC is helping me through my piece, but I feel I need to relive it a little bit to really get "over" it...
) And your term 'herky jerky' is too bang on. Yes we've had some herky jerky - uh - moments too. They seem to be interspersed with 'moments' that work well too though, so keep - uhh - at it! 