Nothing feels like "home"....

[old theotherhalf]

Had to share some news that shocked me so. Hear people would understand more.

Background... those of you that have kept up with my story know that we adopted X's neice16. Lots and lots of problems with her. With the DV I had custody. In Novemeber we had a huge fallout. I decided to let her go back to live with her biological mom. Something she has wanted to do from day one but mom could not take care of her for many reasons. Anyway mom is now clean and holds a job. So just like my M it was time to let go and tried to move on. So I let her go as well. XH was paying child support. Well like his norm he didn't do anything right away to stop the child support. Not until February. Long drawn out process.... he is still paying child support to me. A few months back he served me with papers, by the sheriff, at work. To stop the child support (which is only right) AND he wants all money back since November (its now April)I was furious. He couldnt be decent and just send them or otherwise. Anyway. I took them to my lawyer and lawyer said that I did not have to pay him back. The Iowa code says it can only be retroactive90 days from date of filing.
Okay, now this is totally out of character for me. This child is not living with me, he owes me nothing. It's only fair. BUT! I let my H take 2/3 of our farm, to save a fight, to just get it over. He has screwed me over ( I let him) from the day he dropped the bomb. So this time I decided :screw you". I am tired of makeing things easy on him. I'm tired of cleaning up his messes. It's not my problem that he didn't file right away. And I kind of feel he owes tahat money to me for all the extra money he got with the divorce. So...
I faught. We went back and forth with papers, lawyer to lawyer. Last offer, I said if he would forgo the money (almost 4000), I would pay his balance on the Divorce bill (he was to pay half and he still owes 800) last we had heard from them he was ready to go to court and fight it the whole way. Oh my gosh....
yesterday, my lawyer called and left me a VM, he is agreeing and will settle. I don't have to pay him back!!! I can't believe it. He has faught me every step of the way. I gave in sooo many times thru the divorce. He got sooo much more than I did. I can't believe he is actually going to give in this time. First "good" thing he has done for over three years.


So just had to share that. Asfar as the every day. It pretty much sucks. Life just doesn't seem right. My D18 said the other day "Mom, nothing feels like home". And that is exactly it. We both feel so lost. And I don't know why, but I think X is probably feeling the same way. I've been seeing the "new" guy for a year now. There has been moments that I wanted to run like hell. Other times I want so badly for X to call and come running into my arms. He is so sweet, kind, and fun. He treats me absolutely wonderfully. BUT he is not X and far from it. The old saying "forgive those that hurt you, and love those that treat you right" , haunts me every day. but at the end of the day, it's my XH that I love. He is in my thoughts al of the time. I miss him. I miss our life. I miss the the things we used to do together. I long to be sharing this "new" life with him.


But all at the same time, I know that that will never be. That it is over and I have to get over him and make the best of what I have today. And so I struggle. Each and every moment of every day. I love my "new" guy. How could I not, just not the same way. My X is my soul mate and without him, I feel so lost.

just here venting. Sorry...