My Husband Just Left Me

[CityGirl]

Ok I know I am going to get flamed. I promise that I'm not trying to defend myself. I completely understand the statement and it makes sense. My worry is that my WAH is extremely literal - it's very odd. And so my fear is that even though I have made it clear that I am open to a reconciliation and workign on our marriage that if I do anything to make him think otherwise he will take that as I've changed my mind.

If you have made it clear you are open to working on the M then that is all you need to do as far as that goes. Protecting yourself financially has nothing to do with working on the M or not. You cannot "make" your H think anything nor can you control how he thinks. If he assumes you have changed your mind then nothing you can do about it. Assuming is not the way to communicate and you would not be building anything new if he assumes how you think.

I would like to word it more softly. I dont think I need to be "nice" but he is extremely sensitive. I promise he will read that as me being mean. Granted, he shouldn't be doing what he did but I'd like to be the bigger person.

Again, you can't control how or what he thinks. Protecting yourself financially has nothing to do with being the bigger person and everything to do with being smart.

Your H just left you and is ramming a divorce and the division of assets down your throat and your main concern is if he feels YOU are being "mean"? Please think about that.

[Ready2Change]

My Spin:

"Good morning WAH, I have decided to deposit my paycheck into a separate account. I will have $xxxx transfer every two weeks into the joint account to cover joint bills. Thanks for understanding.
anned

Shorter is almost always better. Use as few words as needed to get point across (Use the bold words frequently):

"Good morning WAH, I have decided to deposit my paycheck into my personal account. To cover joint bills, I will transfer $xxxx every two weeks into our joint account. Thanks for understanding.
anned

[BrownEyes]

Thank you again everyone. I like the spin email a little more with "Thanks for understanding" at the end because it sounds a little less cold but still to the point with no bs.

I can do this! I can do this! I can do this!

[BeingMe]

I agree with CityGirl! Perhaps you have enabled your H to be sensitive? One should not have to tip toe around another person. If you can't be yourself, without worrying about offending one's spouse all the time, then perhaps it's a good thing he has left. Not that you should be mean, but honesty in a marriage would be a good thing if it is kind as well. One of the DB tips is that you only contact WAS's about kids or finances. So, you got finances covered.

[BrownEyes]

Also, I was thinking a lot tonight about a few things (gee, I'm sure everyone is completely shocked).

As a human being I am seriously concerned about my husbands emotional state. Someetihng is not rigth. I don't know if it's depression or bipolar or something but in the past three years he has dramatically changed into a completely different person.

I want to preface this by saying I understand it doesn't help to try to guess what he is feeling and I know I logically I cannot save him. But I have known this man since I was 12 years old! I knew him for 5 years before we even dated. I know people change but I hurt for him because I feel like somewhere he took a turn and it's just been really bad...

I feel like professionally he is living the "dream" but personally he is self destructing. He has began to escalate his drinking. I do not think he is an alcoholic but I think he is tredding in hot water. He used to have a few beers a few times a week and now it seems it's 4-5 days a week and it's certainly more than a few. He is smoking weed everyday - which used to just be maybe one or two times a month. He is gambling more - I know for a fact he has done this several times this week. He started to see prostitutes. He drinks and drives.

I also feel like emotionally he is somewhat unstable. One minute he will be fine and the next minute - I'm looking at hiim like what just set him off. I believe he has a lot of internal conflict and pain and doesn't know how to deal with it. I believe that he thinks that I am the reason for this. I think that he think that because our sex life was bad, etc that he is unhappy. I am scared for him and for his future because I don't think he has resolved any of his core issues and has tried to escape.

I care about him. I am in a lot of pain right now but I almost feel like he isn't quite with it anymore.

I don't know what to do. I'm pretty sure people are going to say there is nothing I can do. I understand it would not be healthy to confront him about this and that's not my goal. My goal is to get him help.

I'm wondering if I should/could email his therapist and explain my concerns. I don't want any information from the therapist but I know that most people don'tknow about the above issues. I just feel hopelesss.

I also struggle with telling his mom and dad about this. I care so much about him and feel like I need some sort of support in trying to help him or at least someone to watch him and make sure he doesn't go off the deep end. He is living witih his parent's now. No one else knows about the prositute stuff except for me (and his therapist). I am grappling with telling his family because I don't want to say anything unless I think good can come out of it. It is out of concern for his emotional, mental and physical health. His parent's adore me and are really rooting for us. I had a 45 minute conversation with his mom and she told me that no matter what happens they will always love me like their daughter. I expressed to her at that time concerns about his drinking and drug use. She said she was glad I pointed it out. She works in HR and assured me that the conversations between us would reamain private. She thinks Jeff is making a mistake.

Thoughts?

[BrownEyes]

Also, can I get some clarification on the banking stuff?

I understand I should move my current personal things. That makes sense.

What about the accounts he has access to (especially the billing because I know he was taking money from here - I believe he will put it back but that's not the point). Should I call the bank and remove him name from those account.

I would leave his name on the account where his paycheck went to so he could still access that but I would not use that money as I will have moved my money to an accoun he cannot access.

Then for our billing account - I would take away his access so he can't borrow money from that account. I would then need to take over paying the bills again because we use that account to pay the bills. I now wondering if he said he would continue that duty because that would still allow him access.

I'm guess I just an in denial about how he can be so manipualtive and hurtful.

Thoughs about the above? Does everyone agree about closing access to all the accounts besides the one where his paycheck goes?

Although now that I'm thinking about it. Part of the money in the joint billing account is his. It is used to pay bills but it is still his money so part of me things that if he wants to borrow from it that is his choice. I would be cutting off access to funds to pay bills because I dont want him to borrow from the account.

GAAAHHHH!

New email??
"Good morning WAH, I have decided to deposit my paycheck into a separate account. I will have $xxxx transfer every two weeks into the joint account to cover joint bills. I will take over paying the bills using the joint billing account. Please continue to deposit $250 per week into the account so I can continue to pay our debt. Thanks for understanding.
anned

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Although now that I'm thinking about it. Part of the money in the joint billing account is his. It is used to pay bills but it is still his money so part of me things that if he wants to borrow from it that is his choice. I would be cutting off access to funds to pay bills because I dont want him to borrow from the account.

In a healthy situation, this is true. In a situation where he has an addiction, and he is squandering marital assets to feed it, you would be ENABLING him if you did anything OTHER than cut off his access to these funds.

Put another way, Anned, he does NOT have the right to do things with your joint funds that are destructive to the family. And when he shows that he's continually willing to cross that line, that's when you have to step in and take the steps necessary to protect yourself. In the long run, this is best for you AND for him.

Puppy

[BrownEyes]

Ok I understand and that makes sense in terms of the accounts.

My stomach is in knots right now and I don't want to send the email - I'm scared.

Also, how did my email sound?

What about my other post in terms of getting him help?

[BrownEyes]

I just talked to the bank again and now they are saying that he has to be present to be taken off the account which isn't going to happen.

He is still going to have access to the money. I cannot move the money because almost all our bills are paid with automatic payments.

I can still move my personal money/paycheck to another account though although part of my money will transfer automatically into the joint billing for bills and he will still be able to access that.

I guess I could still send him the email saying I will take back paying the bills through that account. He may be less likely to take money from there when he knows that I am checking the account more frequently.

[DiamondGirl]

He is still going to have access to the money. I cannot move the money because almost all our bills are paid with automatic payments.

Then change the account info where the automatic payments are drawn from... Contact each bill company and they will change it.. sometimes over the phone...Sometimes by fax... Make a list and talk to them one by one...

I know first hand how difficult a step this is to take (read my sitch's more recent posts for the gory details). In my case, I felt disloyal and that I was stepping over the line of no return with H. However, I had no choice when H purposely bounced the mortgage payment because he got "angry". Like a child would.
Children can't pay adult bills.

If you don't take the step to look out for your finances... who will?