That's why I told you it's going to be the hardest thing you've ever done in your life. We refer to the whole process as the rollercoaster.
Even though it seems like he has all the control right now and you don't know what to do, think of his behavior as being the roller coaster. He will be going up and down, happy one minute, angry the next. It is YOUR choice as to whether or not you are going to ride that rollercoaster with him or are going to step out and be the observer. You can choose to watch like seeing something on tv and you realize that what he does is his actions.
What you do however is up to you. Write a list of small mini goals that you want to accomplish. For example, I will ask him about the kids and he will not be angry. Something small. Then start growing from there.
Do not pursue him. Give him what he wants...space. Start living your life first to make yourself strong. Let's face it. Right now what you say isn't going to make a bit of good anyway and it hasn't. So do the opposite and see what happens.
Show him that you are "moving on" so that he can see what he's missing. You've been smart enough to anticipate his moves legally. Now what can you do to change his perception of you?
Stabilize the day to day interactions with him before mentioning anything about your M.
It will try your very patience and test your resolve. But you can do it. Just be prepared for the storm that will be coming. If you think you've seen the worst of it, you haven't seen anything yet. The only thing you can do is to prepare yourself as best you can. Detach from him emotionally save a little for when it comes time to rebuild the M.
So what are your goals?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I had to get away from the computer, so I did some cleaning around the house. I did not contact him, and he is offline now.
Right now, my goal is just for him to contact me! Last time I talked with him was last week when he put the "smack-down" on my ass. It was brutal. I haven't contacted him since, but while I was away at bar review on both sat and Sun, he came over and rummaged through the house and took stuff.
I just want to be able to talk to him and have him respond in a civil manner - not like an a$$hole. I don't know what he has going on this Sunday that is preventing him from golfing with his buddies, but it must be a woman, because he would never in a million years pass up a game of golf. I just feel so devastated. Sure, I'm still pretty and still get a lot of attention, but right now, I don't even care - and I've lost a bunch of weight in these past two weeks and I'm down to 110 pounds, maybe even 108 right now. I'm usually 120. I don't feel like myself.
I guess everybody goes through this, huh? It sure sucks.
All you have to do to avoid an unwanted poster is to change the settings under My Stuff to block that user. I've blocked people and it is a relief. You just see white space where they posted something.
I think you need to think about your marriage, not in terms of why you want it, but why he would want it. What does he get out of it? And then start thinking of ways to make the marriage more valuable to him. Right now, he doesn't want it at all. Why? What about the marriage is unpleasant for him? What isn't working? What can you do to make things better, not just for yourself, but for your husband?
What I learned in reconciling is that marriage is about thinking about the other person. Being considerate of that person, showing concern for their wants and likes. I was guilty of thinking only of myself, and doing everything the way I wanted it. As a result, my husband didn't feel important in the home or family, and he saw no reason to not wander. He was looking for a place to feel at home. I had to learn to make room for his wants, his style, his values. Think about ways to improve yourself. Even if your husband never returns, you will benefit from improving yourself.
Thank you Lotus. I am going to play with the site and adjust my settings.
He wants out of the marriage because of the lack of physical intimacy. He thinks, no - he threatened - that he can get it elsewhere. I'm sure he can, so can I, if that's what I want. But that doesn't solve the underlying problems.
I know he "doesn't care about my BS issues - (he) just wants sex!!!" Problem is, I am not mentally capable of being intimate with him. Especially not anytime soon, since he moved out and left me and the kids with $500 to live on! Kind of tough to have warm, fuzzy, romantic feelings at this point.
Why would it be valuable to him to stay married? Looking at it from his point of view, since he is in love with money, I suppose if he didn't have to divide half his income and split everything 50-50 with me, the marriage would be valuable. With him everything is money related. Everything has to serve some financial purpose, or meet his sexual or instant gratification needs. Or it has to involve golf.
Right mow, the only thing I can do to make things better is to leave him alone. To stay away, have no contact with him, yet protect myself legally. So far, so good. I have not contacted him, but I know what he's up to ... sort of. I know he's going out golfing today at 11am with his friends. I know which club they will be at and which course they will be playing.
What I am doing to improve myself is I am in law school. In the long run, this will benefit me and my kids if I am single, and if our marriage is saved, it will benefit my husband as well because I will have a greater ability to contribute to the household finances.
I am also reading Divorce Remedy, and after that I plan to read Sex Starved marriage, and then Divorce Busting. I bought all three. I am trying to keep my wits about me and implement the things in the DR book right now. I am totally willing to do whatever it takes to save my marriage. Yeah, even though I feel it's really unfair, I will just suck it up and do what I need to do - baby his dumb ass if necessary.
I have a lot on my plate right now. There aren't really any new hobbies or interests I want to get involved in (law school and the attendant study that goes along with that pretty much takes up most of my time). I am an accomplished, championship competitive ballroom dancer, and I teach dance as well. This is what I love. I haven't danced in a few weeks because of this. I am dying to get back into the studio though, I think it would be good for me.
Well, that's about it for now. I'm starting to ramble. I just feel like chatting with someone. Anyway, thanks for listening, and thanks for the advice. I really do appreciate it, even if I come across as a bitter, angry, old battle axe.
Katya, Mr bond is right, you have to remain calm. NO GOOD decision have ever been made when someone panics.
Work on you, focus on your exams, go out with friends, do new things for youself. What ever keeps your mind off the R.
Quote:
Think about ways to improve yourself. Even if your husband never returns, you will benefit from improving yourself
I have been here 9 months. My sitch didn't work out, but since I practiced GAL, and reflected on myself I am the happiest I have been in my life!
You will get to where I am someday, don't expect it to be a week, or month. It WILL take more time.
Remember this is a process that you all of us here went there already, some have success working things out and there are some who have success moving on like me. Then there's those who give up and want to crawl up in a ball and hide.
It sounds to me like you're a fighter. That's good. This will be the hardest and most painful experience in your life.
I came acroos this saying from Ben franklin yesterday:
You win only if you aren't afraid to lose
Keep posting here, you have a lot to learn and this is the BEST place for help.
be strong and confident, gr8 ;-)
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
I forgot to answer your questions, so I'll do it now.
Originally Posted By: MrBond
Just a few more questions.
Have you ever met his ex? How many years were they apart before you and he went out?
No, I have never met his ex. They had just finalized their divorce shortly after he and I met. He was ordered to pay her spousal support, even though they were married for less than a year. I believe the total amount he was ordered to pay her was $168,000. Instead of making payments to her, he paid her off in a lump sum so that he could be rid of her and be with me.
Do you still have a friendly R with your ex?
No, my ex and I never had children. My ex was 15 years older than me. I married him when I was 21. I got pregnant in college and had a brand new baby. Unknown to me, the ex was a swinger, and I didn't know what that was at first because I wasn't raised in a swinger, or open marriage-type of family. As a result of my ex springing the swinging stuff on me, and my refusal to participate, coupled with the constant fear I'd catch a nasty or deadly disease from him, I left him. It turned really ugly. I have nothing to do with him, and I don't want to know anything about him. He can burn in hell for all I care. I lost everything and didn't have a pot to piss in. I feel like I'm back at square one again now! It sucks!!!
I know you mentioned that you lost your desire for him because of past resentments. What were they?
The resentments I have are basically because I can't talk to him about things that bother me. If I ever bring up anything he doesn't want to hear, he threatens me with divorce, so I just keep whatever is bothering me to myself because I don't want to start an argument and have him actually carry through with his threats. Mostly it has to do with me asking for something and him shutting me down because he has the money and I don't.
I would have liked it if he would have wanted to spend time with me and the kids on the weekends. He golfs every day. I just wanted a little time with him. The kids wanted a little time wth him. He couldn't be bothered to call off a golf game with his friends to spend time with ... us .
I can't list everything that bothers me, all the things I am resentful over because I would be here all day, and there probably isn't enough computer space to contain all that. But one of the other things that bothers me, that I am resentful over is the fact that if I suggest or say something to my husband he dismisses what I've said as rubbish, like I'm a child who doean't know what the hell I'm talking about. Whatever I suggest is not worthy of consideration, a bad idea, stupid. Yet, if his friends suggest or say the very same things, then all of a sudden it's a fabulous idea! His friends are so smart, and they have such good ideas!!!
To me it sounds like it comes down to control. Your H likes to be in control and so do you. Maybe because things are out of your control right now in your M, when your son doesn't do something you've asked him to do, that little switch inside you goes off and you get angry.
No, I am a control freak. I am actually a flexible person, and I will hear you out and consider what you have to say. I am a reasonable person. The thing with the kids is, I have asked over and over and over again. In my current state of mind, seeing the dish with the dried on oatmeal just pushed me over the edge, especially since we just had this discussion the previous evening. I apologized, and he agreed to be more mindful of rinsing out his dishes. Me and the kids had a "group hug" and things are better between the three of us today.
Also it sounds like your H has control issues as well. He's not getting the response he wants from you, so like his first M he is moving things along as quickly as possible. Seems like he may be repeating the same mistakes he did in his first M.
Yes, now that you mention it, he is. I never even thought about it. But you are right, when people in his life don't follow whatever the "plan" is, he cuts them out. This has happened with various people over the years. This has never even dawned on me. Thank you for bringing it to my attention.
PS --- Haven't played with the settings yet, but is there a way to have a screen to type text into that I can actually see my text without having to constantly keep scrolling down or trying to find my spot? It's really annoying! Thanks!
He spends all his time doing what he wants to do. What about you? Do you have hobbies or activities you like to do?
If so start doing them and doing them often. This will help you in two ways. 1) It will get you out Getting A Life!(GAL) 2) Your H will notice and will be drawn more to you. Sounds crazy but that's the way it works. Be mysterious and enjoy yourself. He should start to feel as if you are moving on w/o him.
I read through my journey here that people are will to fight 10x harder for something they will lose than to fight to gain something. Make him feel that HE is LOSING you. Make sense?
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Well, yes, I've never exactly been a wallflower. I engage in my hobbies as well. Of course currently, and for the next couple of years, law school IS my thing. To me, it is a life or death situation.
I am a competitive ballroom dancer and I teach ballroom as well. This is something I have done since I was a child, and have continued to do throughout my marriage, and I am certainly not going to stop now. However, for purposes of taking the Baby Bar on June 22, I have to cease the dancing and focus 100% on passing the exam. After the exam, let the dancing begin again!
I have to cease the dancing and focus 100% on passing the exam. After the exam, let the dancing begin again!
I would love to learn. Do you need a partner? LOL
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
