What to do when their friends suggest leaving?

[Bummedout]

Hey BWORL,
I agree with your first sentence, heheh. It really shouldn't be unusual though, it's a valid topic about a situation that, depending on the personalities of the ones thinking of leaving and the friends they talk to . . . can have a fairly profound effect on the outcome. And to simply dismiss this reality out-of-hand is naive. I guess what I'm saying is this is NOT an unusual situation, and therefore should not be an unusual topic.

Further, it is a topic worthy of discussion as a stand-alone topic. But . . .and this is part of the problem . . .you seem to assume this is a very difficult time for me. While it was somewhat rattling, I got on it pretty quick. I learned my lesson on that a decade ago.

So . . . everyone wanted to treat me like I was like most folks here, and like I was when I first came to this board a decade ago . . .kind of a basket case.

This is NOT to insult people here who are having a really difficult time. But that's simply not me, at least not this time, and at least right now. Again, most folks don't come here until they are having serious problems, and have already done a bunch of things they shouldn't have in the attempts to save the marriage . . .just like I did last time around. But I learned from that experience . . .and folks here made NO allowance for the fact that I might not need all the support and advice and being "tough-loved" or whatever one wants to call it.

Frankly, some of the so-called "experts" here jumped the gun, made assumptions about my state of mind that were woefully off base. And yes, that ticked me off a bit, mainly because they wouldn't just back off.

Frankly, near as I can tell, I'm more of an expert than some of the folks here who are so used to being "board gurus" they can't even recognize when they got someones situation pegged dead wrong. Heck, they'll actually blame me for their bad call. Bizarre, really . . .and dangerous. These are people who take a "one solution fits all" view, even though they occasionally toss "every situation is different" out there. Just words though clearly. My situation IS a bit different, they didn't recognise it . . .and got pissy with me for telling them so.

To be honest . . .I'm kinda outa here. I got shoehorned incorrectly by the board clique and castigated because I didn't simply roll over. It IS a good stand-alone topic for discussion, and clearly "doing nothing about it" is NOT always in the best interest of saving a marriage. Sometimes, maybe. I might (but not likely) concede even most of the time that might be best. But it's stupid to think that "do nothing" is the catch-all best thing. And I got bullied here for asserting that, even was pretty much labeled a liar.
Whatever. I don't really care if some wannabe Doctor Laura Or Dr. Phil thinks I'm full of crap.

So . . .I actually hope maybe one of you, who hasn't already been bullied onto the bleachers will start a thread on this topic. Good luck to all of you man, I really mean that. I loved my Ex wife dearly, even though it "just ain't there" anymore. (Good thing, being remarried, heheh)

I know how indescribably painful it is. Took me probably four years after the D was final before I was truly "over it."

I can guarantee that more than one marriage that might otherwise have been saved has been sandbagged by a persistent and convincing friend. Doing nothing CAN be a fatal mistake sometimes, simple as that.

Some of you have been alright. And some I really should have talked to more, about their problems as well as mine. Unfortunately, I let myself get dragged into the Egotistical attempts at subordinating me. Anyway . . .again good luck! Hope someone starts this situationa as a new thread. My presence would just be disruptive right now.

Later!