Just found out she already filed

[NoLongerHere]

Hang in there man - this was going to happen, you give her the proposal, she goes haywire - I went through it too, and we navigated to a mediated agreement. It's emotionally exhausting, but just take one day at a time, tomorrow will be different than today. Hold on tight, it'll be bumpy but you WILL get through it. You can handle this.

I know the feeling of doing things and feeling like you're going through the motions, but keep doing them, or do different things, it will keep your mind occupied and the feeling will pass. Before long you'll realizing that you're living your life a little more, you're engaging more. Keep doing these things for you. It is a process, and you progres BY INCREMENTS.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Kerry, Gardener, flowmom, Geronimo (and all the others that read my thread) thank you for your words of support, advice and encouragement.

We just settled the temporary support order out of court at the 11th hour. We'll still have to meet at the court house on Monday but won't have to appear before a judge- I didn't care either way at this point. I don't think the agreement was great but it was a middle-of-road for both of us. Though, it would've been very similar to what the court would've ordered. I know she's not making a lot of money right now and probably having financial difficulties so I'm fine with it because ultimately it'll affect my DD too. I just hate the thought of her taking part of my paycheck and choosing to be with another guy. Just doesn't sit well with me. I need to find a way to let go and think of her as nothing more than our DD's mother. It's easy to say but hard to do in practice when so many things and even the streets and the beaches and the shops remind me of all the times we spent together and had fun. Funny she chooses to only think of the bad moments.

[ClingingToHope]

Yes. Easy to say and hard to do. With time it gets better. I'm still having waves of anger and bitterness but more and more STBXW is like a nanny.

Of course, there's no OM that I know of so I don't have that pain and she's sinking so fast financially that I'm eager to cut the financial ties.

For a long time I'd remember all the good moments. Lately, I've been remembering how few truly good moments there were. There were a lot more down times as I struggled to find the woman I married.

It looks like it's been a struggle since 2006 for you. Really, did the good outweigh the bad since then?

[flowmom]

Sending strength for tomorrow (((Romeo)))

[ImprovedRomeo]

Well today didn't go well at all, we got totally blind sided by her attorney. Even though her attorney and mine agreed to a settlement on Fri that I'd pay her $1k per month and keep paying her end of the private school tuition. This morning her attorney claimed we didn't have any agreements and sorry for any misunderstanding. She ran the numbers again and they came out much higher, on top of that she asked that I continued paying for the full private tuition too. I told my attorney that in that case we might as well get the order through the court so STBX can't say she settled with me for less. Court would assign those same numbers.

So we went in but the judge said she won't have time until noon. So we came out and her attorney said why can't we settle on something so we don't waste all day here. My attorney said well we don't want to pay her half of the child support and she said 'well my client already agreed to that' ...uh what? that was the reason we were going to court. Anyway so then she goes runs some new numbers again for the past payments I owe her and they went up higher yet again my attorney said the numbers change a little bit and they didn't have the correct health ins cost in that's what made them lower earlier.

So now looks like I'll have to pay $2257 minus the $458 for her half of the tuition so we're looking at $1800/mo - that's a lot, almost twice as much so I'm going to have to figure out how to come up with that amount. It really sucks.

Later I talked to STBX...a little heart-to-heart too (she came over to me in the morning since her attorney was late and sat down next to me- I reached over and gave her a hug, she hugged back) but that's another subject. I asked her if she was happy that she was getting the maximum amount she could...she just said 'you should've taken the settlement my lawyer proposed'. I said what settlement? she said $1250 and you keep paying the child care/tuition. I said her attorney didn't present that option but it's about the same as what it is now anyway. Even she acknowledged that her attorney's weird- but I'm sure doesn't mind because it's working in her favor so far.

I'm staring at a spreadsheet putting together a budget and what I spend, I don't have $1700/mo free. I could do $1k without a lot of changes but $1800 is going to be tough. So this sucks big time.

I sent her an email asking for car insurance info so I can see where to cut back...she offered she can take over her car's insurance- which is probably $50/mo. I replied saying that would be nice because I really don't know where I'm going to meet those numbers. Sucks that we used to have savings, retirement funds and money left over...now it'll be tough.

The good thing is I'm good with managing money and finances so I'm sure eventually I'll figure it all out. Still, it just won't be the same.

[NoLongerHere]

God this process sucks. Hang in there SR. FWIW, similar road to what I went down.

[smith18]

There really is something rotten about someone getting raked over the coals financially in addition to emotionally. Some parts of divorce law makes it too easy for someone to profit when they are mostly responsible for the breakdown of the marriage.

Is it possible to buy her out of spousal support by refinancing the house? If so, offer lower than what you would pay out over time since she would not need to pay taxes on a buyout since it is treated just like division of assets in the eyes of the IRS. However, you cant deduct the buyout, but it sure was easier to refinance to be done with it. I was looking at a similar amount of $1800 and I would have had a hard time surviving after that.

Plus, at least in Oregon, if no spousal support is on the final D judgment, there is not way to have it added later. If it is on the D judgment, they can modify it up or down of change the duration depending upon situations that come up. For instance, I was told that if my XW were to become disabled that they could change the duration to indefinite.

[ClingingToHope]

Later I talked to STBX...a little heart-to-heart too (she came over to me in the morning since her attorney was late and sat down next to me- I reached over and gave her a hug, she hugged back) but that's another subject.

Why?

[ImprovedRomeo]

I really don't know why CTH. In retrospect it was a mistake I let her see how vulnerable I am for her. I told her how this is not what I wanted and then I tried to offer a rebuttal to her firey email from a few days ago. I told her how disrespectful it was for her to file for the divorce and not even tell me about it. She said she figured I'd get mad that's why...whatever. She'd also said that she felt I was taking advantage of the fact that she's unemployed when she left...I told her how it works against me and not in my favor and besides I've asked her many times if she needed money but her answer was never yes. She said 'I hate asking for money, if you care then you should just write me a check '. I told her how this was a THE problem in our relationship that she has expectation of me but I don't know about them. Beyond asking for what she needs what else can I do? especially if she says no. To me that means no...apparently to her it meant yes

I told her how I suspect that she's involved with someone else. She said she isn't, I told her I don't trust her on that because that's what she'd said last time. She just rolled her eyes. Yeah I probably said too much...but I needed to get a few things off my chest especially when she'd said some really bizzare and mean things in her email.

The payments part sucks, I make well into the 6 figures and I'll be living hand to mouth...but you know what? worse case senario my life will be pretty modest for 4.5 years while I pay her the alimony. There's light at the end of the tunnel...

Until then there's still the final judgement that will be decided in court or settled between us so there's hope that things will be better for me...and not worse.

Thanks guys...I don't feel like writing much today and probably for the next few days but I'll try to keep up with your happenings.

[ImprovedRomeo]

I make well into the 6 figures and I'll be living hand to mouth

OK well into is an exaggeration...a little more than 6 figure is probably more appropriate but still it'll be paycheck to paycheck living with no 401k, vacations, toys and gadgets etc.

I guess I'll have to become more creative. Today met a friend for dinner with his family, I thought twice about going but I figured it'd be nice for DD to meet their son. So we went, I looked at the menu and almost shared one meal between DD and I but DD started saying she wanted a pizza from the kids menu after I'd ordered pasta alfredo for me. So it was two things and I said to my self I'll have to plan better and need more self-control. It's not like the old days anymore...

I guess it sucks that even though I make good money it's not enough after this. We don't have a whole lot of extas either, we don't even have cable since we lived a simpled life. I think just my commuting is costing me almost $600/mo in gas alone that's a lot! the rest are all fixed expenses (except food) like the utilities, DD's tuition/day-care, insurance, mortgage etc.