Well, there isn't much of a doubt, I need to knock the giant chip off my shoulder (and it is there, why I'm not sure, but I know it exists and it isn't doing me any good) and I need to go and be kind and gracious. H has asked me a couple times and I told him I'm thinking about it and have pretty much hinted that I will be going. But I know I have to go without the freaking chip! And I have to stop the digs at his brother and SIL. It used to be a favorite hobby of ours, but at the moment it doesn't seem to be the right thing to do. I'll leave the vents for here.
Manisha, I'm going to run all work type vents by you since you are in the real world and I can accept opinions from you that I would look askance at H over.
This weekend was nice, I think it was to be his weekend, but the kids were here the entire time. He had a headache Friday, so just dropped the kids off after boyscouts and went home. Saturday he was to meet us at Hershey Park for the winter festivities in the evening. He called a few times on the cell to let me know when he left work, ready to leave, etc. Then he called, traffic bad, what are you doing? The kids and I were freezing, we were inside eating dinner. He was disappointed, had not eaten yet, can we meet him at the restaurant and skip the park? I said yes, but there were a few more rides I had promsied kids. I was disappointed, he didn't have to meet us, this was something I was promising the kids, and even though it was cold and crowded, they were still having fun. I felt torn between pleasing him and them. Call again, he's at the restaurant, really crowded. We hadn't even begun to leave yet, he finally in a really pissy voice, says, fine, I'll meet you there. Explain where, he calls in park, had to pay for parking, wehere did you park, then a call, in park, where are you? So I know by this time he is agitated and grumpy. So I'm ready to do my normal--defend myself--tell him I felt pulled between him and the kids and explain, explain, explain. I remembered vividly the example in DR of Michelle getting off the plane and meeting her H. So when I finally saw H, he had on grumpy face, but I went up to him and gave him a big hug and kiss. I told him it was good to see him and he eventually warmed up. Later all I said was thanks for coming and not letting all the craziness affect our evening. Long story, but one of the first times I made his mood reflect mine instead of the other way around and I didn't defend myself or get lost in explanations.
Saturday night he had planned to stay over, early night as he had been up since 2 am for work, snowed overnight. I had planned to do the movies on Sunday, but roads were bad and H was in a mood to make cookies. So we made 6 different kinds and had fun.
H had promised to come by and shovel me out today, but he didn't show. He seemed very ready to leave Sunday night, and I expected this pulling back after being close, but it still hurts. I think I pushed a bit on Sunday, in the morning we were waking up and I said ILY and that I was a bit scared about opening up my heart to him and falling in love again. This was met with dead silence. Finally he said he didn't know what to say, but made some comments about us working out slowly. I agreed I wanted to move slowly. The other night he told me to look at him and he said ILY. That was last week. I haven't heard that since.
My intentions are to back off, no calls and just emails about kid stuff. Let him be without any pressure from me.
