I feel like i need to contact WAW

[knightinneed]

My sitch is complicated and there are simply way too many details, but we are court ordered not have contact and DD 1 is in the custody of my sister. Myself and WAW had a good somsewhat good marriage in the beginning, but it slowly deteriorated due to arguments and myself going into a depression. I think I was depressed before I met her and while we were together but just didnt realize it. I really do now because I have been on anti-ds for over 2 1/2 months and made a list of every complaint she had basically.

Finances - I am severely in debt, and ignored this for a long time letting bills go to collections
Weight - I put on 40 LBS but
Daughter from a previous relationship I dont get to see much because her mom and I have had issues
Procrastination - Not doing what I say I am going to do
Moving away from my hometown which is not the best area in town
Angry outbursts which i am sure was due to depression
Being Lazy and drinking and smoking ciggarettes and other stuff

Well since the court ordered separation, My WAW had her Lawyer tell my Lawyer and CPS she wanted divorce.

In many ways I want to own up to my responsiblity in creating the situations, but now I am on a die hard mission of correcting every single complaint. The more I think about it the more I know just how right she was. I was wrong, and used flawed logic to argue with her and well she has her issues, but if I had not been such a jerk at times, I think alot of our problems would have been avoided. I got the cops involved to teach her a lesson regarding her violent behavior, which defintely needed addressed, but not at the cost of having DD1 taken away.

I am focused on my kids, I have dropped 20lbs, I have made a SOLID realistic plan to get finances in order and redid a budget that would accomodate myself and WAW and all the things she wanted/needs. Honestly some really basic needs, such as Health Insurance, Newer Car, to help her pay her student loan.

I am seeing a Dr to get some Chantix to quit smoking also.
I should be out of debt in about 1yr after a bankruptcy, and I plan on either renting or selling my home where we were living.

All these changes she really really wanted, but I was in a haze of depression and was really lazy, but no more. I am realizing how right WAW was and I am changing every single complaint she ever had, and it has me feeling good about myself
and my path in life.

WAW does believe I am trying to take DD 1 away, but I disagreed about her staying in foster care so I made a stand and my Sister stepped up to take her in, while we complete our parenting classes and counseling. I am very excited with all my changes and feel I have a new lease on life. I am just sad it took losing my family to bring about the change.

My entire family, my lawyer and friends say i need to get away
from her that she is crazy, but i wonder if I made her that way as she felt maybe trapped in our M, her family isnt really there for her and have no money to help her.

I really want to save my M and I am working hard making all the changes, and making sure every complaint is addressed because I feel like they are all fixable. Most are within reach and I know she would be impressed to see, but I do not know if it is too late. She would have a few changes to make such as not being so verbally mean etc... But man I was her knight in shining armor, she heavily pursued me, adored me, and I just fell apart and deep into depression such a shame looking back on it all.

When we were last at court WAW had a possible OM with her, they prayed together holding hands. And when she walked out, she was holding hands with this guy. When I had talked to her mom she said that he was not her Boyfriend, I cant get this visual out of my mind, and I am unable to talk to her.

The limbo and curiosity has me contemplating sending her an email to ask if we can just talk, because I need to know and I do not want to wait 1 more month. Also, if I could just let her know I reaffirm that alot of this situation is my fault, and that I making every change she ever asked for.

My fear is that if that is her OM that they have a lot of time to get attached etc, since DD 1 is not with her at the moment.
I feel like If i could just state my case, find out if OM is in the picture that it would at least give me some closure on this limbo.

I know I should not contact her but I am afraid I have to. I just cant take this haunting my mind!

Please any advice is appreciated.