My sitch is complicated and there are simply way too many details, but we are court ordered not have contact and DD 1 is in the custody of my sister. Myself and WAW had a good somsewhat good marriage in the beginning, but it slowly deteriorated due to arguments and myself going into a depression. I think I was depressed before I met her and while we were together but just didnt realize it. I really do now because I have been on anti-ds for over 2 1/2 months and made a list of every complaint she had basically.
Finances - I am severely in debt, and ignored this for a long time letting bills go to collections Weight - I put on 40 LBS but Daughter from a previous relationship I dont get to see much because her mom and I have had issues Procrastination - Not doing what I say I am going to do Moving away from my hometown which is not the best area in town Angry outbursts which i am sure was due to depression Being Lazy and drinking and smoking ciggarettes and other stuff
Well since the court ordered separation, My WAW had her Lawyer tell my Lawyer and CPS she wanted divorce.
In many ways I want to own up to my responsiblity in creating the situations, but now I am on a die hard mission of correcting every single complaint. The more I think about it the more I know just how right she was. I was wrong, and used flawed logic to argue with her and well she has her issues, but if I had not been such a jerk at times, I think alot of our problems would have been avoided. I got the cops involved to teach her a lesson regarding her violent behavior, which defintely needed addressed, but not at the cost of having DD1 taken away.
I am focused on my kids, I have dropped 20lbs, I have made a SOLID realistic plan to get finances in order and redid a budget that would accomodate myself and WAW and all the things she wanted/needs. Honestly some really basic needs, such as Health Insurance, Newer Car, to help her pay her student loan.
I am seeing a Dr to get some Chantix to quit smoking also. I should be out of debt in about 1yr after a bankruptcy, and I plan on either renting or selling my home where we were living.
All these changes she really really wanted, but I was in a haze of depression and was really lazy, but no more. I am realizing how right WAW was and I am changing every single complaint she ever had, and it has me feeling good about myself and my path in life.
WAW does believe I am trying to take DD 1 away, but I disagreed about her staying in foster care so I made a stand and my Sister stepped up to take her in, while we complete our parenting classes and counseling. I am very excited with all my changes and feel I have a new lease on life. I am just sad it took losing my family to bring about the change.
My entire family, my lawyer and friends say i need to get away from her that she is crazy, but i wonder if I made her that way as she felt maybe trapped in our M, her family isnt really there for her and have no money to help her.
I really want to save my M and I am working hard making all the changes, and making sure every complaint is addressed because I feel like they are all fixable. Most are within reach and I know she would be impressed to see, but I do not know if it is too late. She would have a few changes to make such as not being so verbally mean etc... But man I was her knight in shining armor, she heavily pursued me, adored me, and I just fell apart and deep into depression such a shame looking back on it all.
When we were last at court WAW had a possible OM with her, they prayed together holding hands. And when she walked out, she was holding hands with this guy. When I had talked to her mom she said that he was not her Boyfriend, I cant get this visual out of my mind, and I am unable to talk to her.
The limbo and curiosity has me contemplating sending her an email to ask if we can just talk, because I need to know and I do not want to wait 1 more month. Also, if I could just let her know I reaffirm that alot of this situation is my fault, and that I making every change she ever asked for.
My fear is that if that is her OM that they have a lot of time to get attached etc, since DD 1 is not with her at the moment. I feel like If i could just state my case, find out if OM is in the picture that it would at least give me some closure on this limbo.
I know I should not contact her but I am afraid I have to. I just cant take this haunting my mind!
Please any advice is appreciated.
M 36 W 29 Together 2 1/2 years married 14 months Daughter 15 months Bomb 4/22/10 Separated since 4/25/10 OM 6/10/10 Hopeful, but moving on
Citygirl, It seemed like a very low down thing to do. Almost a dagger to me, because she thinks i am trying to take DD1 away which I do plan on getting shared custody of her.
Her mom advised that he was not her boyfriend and that she did that to make me jealous, very immature I know. I just dont understand it all.
I am working on myself and i am so impressed with my improvement but this no contact is killing me. I mean we eventually would need to talk about divorce, custody, her getting her things out of the house etc...
I just cant deal with this. It comes in waves, out of the blue the vision comes and I get anxiety from it.
I go exercise it passes etc.. But man I so want to save my M, what can I do to make this happen? I don't want her and this guy to start heating up. I cant stand the thought that she would bring another man around my child also, does she not realize it makes me want to go for full custody, but at the same time I want to do everything right to give myself the best chance at future reconciliation. I have until July now to go back to court, Its been 2+ months of no contact and I do not know if this is making it the chance very very slim...
I want us to be a family again so bad.
M 36 W 29 Together 2 1/2 years married 14 months Daughter 15 months Bomb 4/22/10 Separated since 4/25/10 OM 6/10/10 Hopeful, but moving on
Attnys talk about divorce, custody and the removal of household items. Honestly, I just don't see any good coming out of you contacting her.
Whatever the reason was for her bringing ANOTHER MAN to the court date and HOLDING HANDS with him in your presence it was extremely inappropriate. Inappropriate behavior should not be rewarded with a "let's talk" phone call.
Everyone seems to think the marriage is doomed. I think she has WAW fog. I just think if she could see the changes it could make it better. I know it was lowdown, but just as you know It made me think about her 10x as much. Now I know why the jealousy factor is such a excellent technique.
I never expected it, but City girl I want to save this M. I want to give myself the best chance possible to reunite my family. Maybe I wont contact her. We will eventually get this No Contact order dropped, so what would you recommend I do in this situation?
I am having a hard time detaching, I dont feel Im ready to date, and I am focusing on my 180s and kids.
I hate not knowing!
M 36 W 29 Together 2 1/2 years married 14 months Daughter 15 months Bomb 4/22/10 Separated since 4/25/10 OM 6/10/10 Hopeful, but moving on
Even if it was a childish ploy to make me jealous? Immature I know. I just guess I would feel better knowing if she is with him or staying with him. After she left, she was staying with her boss, so I have no clue that is what I hate about not knowing.
M 36 W 29 Together 2 1/2 years married 14 months Daughter 15 months Bomb 4/22/10 Separated since 4/25/10 OM 6/10/10 Hopeful, but moving on
Knight, I have been off these boards for the last little while, so I don't know if I have missed much in your past posts. That being said, I have followed most of your sitch, and the recurring theme seems to be that you tend to make excuses for your WAW's bad behaviors. She may like the changes you are making, but you need to make these changes for you, not her. Some of the advice you get on these boards may feel like 2X4's to the head, but sometimes that is what the LBS's need to get once in a while. Shock
Shocked one I know, I did learn something new. Her friend told me that the guy with her was her bosses son and not a bf. She said WAW is scared and stressed.
The changes made are definitely for me - with or without her. Weight Finances Anger Laziness etc...
She advised I should write a letter and not talk about the M or getting back together, and that I just want to be CIVIL and friendly for our DDs sake.
I think I may write the letter and just agree with my responsibility in this mess, and the changes i have made and leave it at that.
I will go dark again, and not contact her until court. Learning there is no OM made me feel a lot better.
Last edited by knightinneed; 05/25/1005:29 AM.
M 36 W 29 Together 2 1/2 years married 14 months Daughter 15 months Bomb 4/22/10 Separated since 4/25/10 OM 6/10/10 Hopeful, but moving on
If you contact her in anyway, you are violating the court order. That puts you in CONTEMPT OF COURT. Courts/judges do not take that lightly. consequences can include going to jail and it is likely to jepordize your chances of getting custody of your daugther.
Violating that court order by contacting her in anyway is like cutting your own throat with a rusty knife.
When the order is lifted, you can contact her if you feel you must, but until then, it's beyond foolish to do so.
DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU THAT SHE IS BAITING YOU TO TRY TO GET YOU TO VIOLATE THE COURT ORDER?
NOT IN YOUR BEST INTEREST TO TAKE THE BAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!
