Quote: H says I'm invited. His parents have not said anything to me, the invite was relayed through him. It would be horrible and awkward, but would it send a good message to H?
Go. Don't make any deal out of them not calling you directly - they spoke to him, that should be enough. Get that giant chip off of your shoulder where your ILs are concerned. Pretend they are casual acquaintances you just met at a party and be polite to them. Let anything else roll off your back. The only thing anybody is obligated to in IL relationships is politeness. Don't make any ASSumptions about what they do or don't think about you. DB the heck out of them! Prove your H's belief that you can't get along with his parents is WRONG! Remember, even if they are jerks, they are HIS family and your role is simply to facilitate him having a smooth R with them - which means Just Be Polite. Okay?
I can act as if, I've been doing that for years, when the better part of my brain is functioning. I think it will be awkward as they haven't called or contacted me since H told them, except for a thank you for the fudge I made at T-day. They also told H they have been watching us this past year and sometimes we click and sometimes we don't. I don't know what they know as far as if it was a mutual thing, if I kicked him out or if he left me. I suspect they don't know much. I just think sitting there all day with them watching if we click would be really weird. I'd be happy if the rest of my life H always did the his side of the family thing without me, but I suspect that is not a pratical hope. However, I think it would send a strong message to H if I'm willing to do this without an iota of complaining. Also, I guess it would be a hurdle that was jumped towards our reconciliation.
They have never been able to figure me out, I think, and this would be just one more occasion to baffle them. Why is she being so nice if he walked out on her?
I think I'm talking myself into going. Anyone have some good reasons why I can stay home?
Hi...hey what the heck...go..but go with a great frame of mind and spread the holiday cheer!!!I donb't know the whole story with th IL...but if your h did not want you there, he would never have mentioned it. My h told me he has been waiting for an "invitation" to spend Christmas with me..go figure..from a guy who seems to think a d is our next step...and the fact that your h admitted to MLC...oh my gosh..sounds like a first around here..
Remember you have choices that only you can make...do what makes you happy and what your gut tells you is right for your m..and by all means ENJOY this season of hope and miracles!!
Just stopping by to check on you. Sounds like are going relatively well. Your H admits the M is saveable and is maybe in MLC.
I agree with Ellie about the in-laws - suck it up and be polite if it kills you. It is best to avoid introducing any new issues or stirring up any old ones.
I don't know why your H asked the question about affairs - maybe you should be open about the fact that you are going to meet with non-threatening or female friends. Sometimes if the WAS is insecure - the whole secrecy about your life thing can backfire. No need to explain your plans in detail - but just enough to he knows you are not seeing anyone else.
I think you are handling his work issue well. That is what my male coworkers really need to talk about - sometimes they go on and on and I fall asleep! LOL! Men don't really talk to other men - and despite all stereotypes, they do need to talk - so listening to his work stuff may just be part of his love language.
Also I agree with you not making an issue of having to adjust his routine schedule with the kids b/c of work - that was a big conflict for him with respect to his decision to separate. Show him how he can spend even more time and have more flexibility with his kids with you in his life.
Absolutely go and see IL's. You need H to see that you really do care for HIS side of the family too. Vent to us and NEVER to him about his own family. I learned that the hard way. I am STILL trying to show H that I love his family. (Maybe not as much as my own, but he doesn't need to know that. )
Continue acting as if.
The burden of having the kids all the time does wear on you. A long time ago H said something to me about me not seeing how important his work was. Not taking him seriously. For instance, when H would be in the office working. (computer job) I would ask H for help bathing the kids. Now I don't feel that is asking too much, but H would see it as, "don't you see that I am busy...."
Quote: I think I'm talking myself into going. Anyone have some good reasons why I can stay home?
Not me. I am with the majority here. I think you should go and be the nice and perfect wife that he has temporarily forgotten you are.
Things are looking up, Jackie. Be patient and open-minded and do not take what he says too personally. He too is hurting. I know it is tough but so far you have managed great...
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
You are allowed to "accept some invitations to spend time together but not all"
But I have jumped at every chance too. I keep thinking of HB's words of wisdom "they have to get to the point where they question if the door is still open to come back, before they turn the corner etc" or something like that. If that is true, then we might both be better off skipping the dysfunctional family christmas for the big picture.
Quote: "they have to get to the point where they question if the door is still open to come back, before they turn the corner etc"
Could you explain this in another way, my mind is muddy today. I think you're saying that maybe the door might need to start closing before they realize they might lose it all.
Well, there isn't much of a doubt, I need to knock the giant chip off my shoulder (and it is there, why I'm not sure, but I know it exists and it isn't doing me any good) and I need to go and be kind and gracious. H has asked me a couple times and I told him I'm thinking about it and have pretty much hinted that I will be going. But I know I have to go without the freaking chip! And I have to stop the digs at his brother and SIL. It used to be a favorite hobby of ours, but at the moment it doesn't seem to be the right thing to do. I'll leave the vents for here.
Manisha, I'm going to run all work type vents by you since you are in the real world and I can accept opinions from you that I would look askance at H over.
This weekend was nice, I think it was to be his weekend, but the kids were here the entire time. He had a headache Friday, so just dropped the kids off after boyscouts and went home. Saturday he was to meet us at Hershey Park for the winter festivities in the evening. He called a few times on the cell to let me know when he left work, ready to leave, etc. Then he called, traffic bad, what are you doing? The kids and I were freezing, we were inside eating dinner. He was disappointed, had not eaten yet, can we meet him at the restaurant and skip the park? I said yes, but there were a few more rides I had promsied kids. I was disappointed, he didn't have to meet us, this was something I was promising the kids, and even though it was cold and crowded, they were still having fun. I felt torn between pleasing him and them. Call again, he's at the restaurant, really crowded. We hadn't even begun to leave yet, he finally in a really pissy voice, says, fine, I'll meet you there. Explain where, he calls in park, had to pay for parking, wehere did you park, then a call, in park, where are you? So I know by this time he is agitated and grumpy. So I'm ready to do my normal--defend myself--tell him I felt pulled between him and the kids and explain, explain, explain. I remembered vividly the example in DR of Michelle getting off the plane and meeting her H. So when I finally saw H, he had on grumpy face, but I went up to him and gave him a big hug and kiss. I told him it was good to see him and he eventually warmed up. Later all I said was thanks for coming and not letting all the craziness affect our evening. Long story, but one of the first times I made his mood reflect mine instead of the other way around and I didn't defend myself or get lost in explanations.
Saturday night he had planned to stay over, early night as he had been up since 2 am for work, snowed overnight. I had planned to do the movies on Sunday, but roads were bad and H was in a mood to make cookies. So we made 6 different kinds and had fun.
H had promised to come by and shovel me out today, but he didn't show. He seemed very ready to leave Sunday night, and I expected this pulling back after being close, but it still hurts. I think I pushed a bit on Sunday, in the morning we were waking up and I said ILY and that I was a bit scared about opening up my heart to him and falling in love again. This was met with dead silence. Finally he said he didn't know what to say, but made some comments about us working out slowly. I agreed I wanted to move slowly. The other night he told me to look at him and he said ILY. That was last week. I haven't heard that since.
My intentions are to back off, no calls and just emails about kid stuff. Let him be without any pressure from me.
Quote: Manisha, I'm going to run all work type vents by you since you are in the real world and I can accept opinions from you that I would look askance at H over.
I have my "male girlfriends" standing by to give me input I can pass onto you!
I think you handled the park episode well.
The only I have a comment is that you mentioned to him that you were scared to open up and fall in love with him again. I think WAS are sometimes afraid that they screwed up too much to be able to come back. They are afraid that they have blown it. IMHO, voice your fears here - but until your M is on more solid ground - I would hold off on voicing your fears about the R to him. Although it is encouraging you guys were able to talk about moving forward slowly!
I know the whole push/pull thing is so hard to deal with and hurts! But seems like you are starting to recognize the patterns and play the game!
Hang in there! Your posts have a lot more positive things to say about your M that they did just a few short months ago!
Prove your H's belief that you can't get along with his parents is WRONG! Remember, even if they are jerks, they are HIS family and your role is simply to facilitate him having a smooth R with them - which means Just Be Polite. Okay?
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