Hi Flowmom, This seems like a pretty powerful statement: "I believe that I have to capacity to eventually forgive and overcome my sense of betrayal about what he's done to our family."
How do you propose to get to that place?
A
M - 46 H - 47 T - 20 yrs M - 19 yrs DS 7yrs DS 6yrs DD 4 yrs Bomb - 4/3/10 My Sitch
FM I just googled about shared parenting and the effects on children of divorce. Of course, studies showed that children of intact families were the most secure, but shared parenting followed as long as 1)parents did not badmouth each other to the kids (or in front of them)
2)parents supported the kids' interest in communicating with the other parent (i.e. if the son said he missed mom, dad would let him call her)
You know I am in the same boat as you as far as struggling with how my S will fare in the long run due to this divorce....if it comes to that!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
This seems like a pretty powerful statement: "I believe that I have to capacity to eventually forgive and overcome my sense of betrayal about what he's done to our family."
How do you propose to get to that place?
1. learn everything I can to figure out how to make this the best arrangement possible for my children given that I can't control the eventuality of D
2. fully let go of H and recognize that his business is not my business
3. love and enjoy H as a person...even though our R has changed, we will always have a R
4. forgive H
5. hardest part: forgive myself
6. get in a good place financially so that I'm in a position of comfort and security rather than in a victim role economically
7. sheer willpower and self-brainwashing (I've done it before and I can do it again)
Yes, newmama, there is a lot of info out there about coparenting. I'm making my way through this highly recommended book:
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
thanks for the link, newmama! There's a good book out there, recommended by my MC called "The Good Divorce". I haven't wanted to read it yet, but flipped through it, and it not only gives statistics on stuff- for those of you who love numbers ;), but gives a lot of advice about how to do or NOT do a divorce and how that affects the kids. E.g., going the mediation or collaboration route is better for them in the long run (as long as there's no physical abuse or huge power imbalance in the R), and all the things newmama mentioned.
FM- I see you getting stronger every week. I know you attribute some of that to the ADs (boy, they sure help, don't they? Based on my biology, I'd be in a very black place myself right now without them), but I think it's also YOU working hard and knowing the outcomes that are possible and the ones you want. I know you've worked very hard on this and just wanted to say- some of it's you, too.
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
H said this morning that after the next month, he's "done" with working 70 hour weeks (this is a huge exaggeration of course). Fair enough...but that makes it pretty obvious to me that I'll be in trouble if I don't start bringing in the bucks soon. All support calculations are based on current income, not income potential, etc.
Last edited by flowmom; 05/24/1008:20 PM.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Not to say told you so. But told you it took a lot of months to pass.
Yeah. You did tell me so . All the wisdom is here on the forum and it's helped me so much.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
H said this morning that after the next month, he's "done" with working 70 hour weeks (this is a huge exaggeration of course). Fair enough...but that makes it pretty obvious to me that I'll be in trouble if I don't start bringing in the bucks soon. All support calculations are based on current income, not income potential, etc.
Run this by your L. There may be protections in place against H lowering his income just before calculations are set in stone.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
FM...just stopping by to say hello! All seems well over here except the income thing and gardener gave some good advice!!! Wouldn't hurt to check it out!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
