How should I handle MLC direct lying?

[amg2]

I still need advice on the anniversary question above, but have another question:

My inlaws and I are planning to go on a weeks vacation this summer. I'm near dark/pretty dim w H. If he doesn't get invited he'll be hurt (understandably). But I'm not supposed to be extending any invitations to him. Is there a way to suggest he go w/o it being detrimental to his MLC process?

ALL ADVICE APPRECIATED as I sure don't know what to do with this one.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

AMG,

I think you came up with a great plan all on your own.

I think that you should follow through with it.

I'm not a big fan of pity parties...ask around. : ) HOWEVER, on that day, go get some ice cream or something just for you to help you through.

[amg2]

Oh and yes I AM concerned about my well being, journey as far as the vacation goes. At this moment when we spend time together I'm fine. I would be a little concerned w how I'd feel when we got back and still lived apart...but it's not like I want to/would even let him come home at this point. Just want to make it clear that I AM not just thinking of him. I got in trouble for that before on here

Thanks

[amg2]

I'm still needing advice about the vacation above. But now have yet another question. One of my husband's text/cell EAs still contacts him periodically. He had stopped responding to her much even before d day (cell recs confirm) and hasn't responded to her at all since. She sends texts asking why he stopped talking to her, etc.

My H texts me and tells me what her texts say. She contacts him about every 3-5 weeks. We discussed this about 2 months ago and I told him I wanted him to text her in front of me telling her he no longer wants to text w her. He got very upset and said that he thought responding at all, in any way would just cause her to keep on even if what he sent was asking her to stop. I finally saw his point and agreed.

Yesterday she texted him. He in turn sent me a message telling me what she said. HOWEVER, he immedately when on to say "and on another note HI how are your and what are your weekend plans?". This sent me over the edge b/c of the flippant tone. Like it's no big deal if she continues to text him.

Unless he doesn't remember (possible) he knows how I feel about this. I haven't responded to his text as of yet. I want this BS out of my life. And I feel completely not-understood that he would tell me she contacted him and then move right into "how you doing?".

Please tell me the best way to handle. THANKS

[amg2]

Anyone? Sorry I'm getting desperate on this one...thanks.

[Truegritter]

amg

I will try to help if I can.

I am not understanding where your R is from your posts.

Are you dark with H and if so why would you be having a convo about his texts with OW?

Ditto for inviting him on vacation with inlaws?

What is the purpose of being dark with him?

I saw that you have been given some very good advice from the very wise folks here. They do this because they have been where you are and want to help.

If your H is in MLC or not MLC or whatever stage he is in

YOU have to take care of YOU. If you are getting upset with H's behavior then you haven't detached enough.

You will know because you will still be confused and in pain. Dark is to protect YOU not to punish H.

It is for you to gain peace so you can concentrate on YOUR journey. You will not be able to do that worrying about the crap H will be throwing your way.

I haven't responded to his text as of yet. I want this BS out of my life.

Do or don't. If you are dark then don't. Do if you want to keep feeling like this. If you want this BS out of your life YOU and ONLY YOU can control by YOUR decisions not H's. YOU decide how to react.

YOU.

[amg2]

I'm sorry to be confusing. I asked H to leave nearly 4 mos ago after discovering he was having two email/cell/texting As. He says not physical. 4th time total in As. Ridiculous.

I do not contact him, question him, or invite him to anything anymore. He contacts me 2-3 times per week and I eventually reply. He texted me the text that upset me, reporting that one of the EA text partners had yet again contacted him asking why he would no longer talk to her. This EA "ran it's course" before d day. Supposedly he isn't/hasn't been having inappropriate contact since dday but I seriously doubt this.

As far as the vacation it is with HIS parents, and I feel very strange not inviting him...

His behaviors haven't been affecting me until this text. He sent it out of his "duty" to let me know she contacted him. But in the same text he went on to ask what I was doing this weekend, like it's no big deal that she contacted him. He's in denial/oblivous to my feelings about this it seems. I'm so upset that I can't just smile and be calm and confident and accept any social invitations from him. This one got me.

I'm allowed to accept some invitations while dark right? Just not all? Again under the current circumstances with my feelings I don't want to accept any.

Thanks

[MrBond]

The email he sent you was a test. He's testing your limits to see what he can get away with. Kind of like a child who inches closer to the candy jar and is watching his parents whole time watching him. He slowly inches to it and even though the parents say not to take the candy, he does it any way.

I wouldn't respond back to him. Have fun with his parents. Show them that you've "moved on". You don't have to exactly tell them, but show your confident side to them.

[Truegritter]

I agree with Mr. Bond and

I'm allowed to accept some invitations while dark right? Just not all? Again under the current circumstances with my feelings I don't want to accept any.

Let your feelings guide you here. Like I said this is to protect you while you heal and move on your own journey.

So....

Given that is the goal how would you answer that question?

amg your guide to this stuff lies within YOU. These aren't games or strategies...

I can tell you what you should do based on my experience and others here will do the same and tell you the same things I will tell you.

BUT <<<<< this is a dirty word that I am hunting down now.

BUT you must be the exception to this advice?

Not likely.

AND you will do what you want, except all the invitations you want

until...

you've had enough pain.

Your pain will guide you.

[amg2]

This really helps guys. Thanks for responding. I have some thinking to do. What do I say when he asks why I didn't respond? At this point I'm sure he knows it's b/c I'm not happy about the OP contacting him. He'll probably say I punished him for telling the truth by my not responding. Another one that really confuses me is when he wants to come to the house to do chores I can't do/am not good at (i.e. clean the gutters, work on the cars). I have a feeling he's going to start making more of these requests soon as he'll have time off work. And he presents is as what he "wants to do for me".

I guess it's just what I'm ok with there too? Without regard to his feelings? But without being "mean spirited"?

Thanks again