Whether or not you admit it, your old marriage is gone, dead, over.
Anything that happens down the road will be a new relationship.
Thank you Mach1. I do accept and admit and feel that. Actually it's sometimes hard to remember what it was like for us to be together, in the same house, with meshed lives, even though we've only been S for 4 months. I read somewhere that the "old M is torn down to create the possibility of a new M being built". Your information makes sense and is quite profound.
Pilot, My H seems to have experienced all 6 stages of MLC except acceptance(6). The depression and withdrawl were so bad right after most recent D day that I was scared he might...do something stupid, though he's never had suicidal tendencies. I understand that the stages can happen simultaneously and out of order. Can many stages be happenning at once? For example three at a time?
This thread is so beneficial to my handling of this for my own sanity and and shreds of a M I might have left. THANK YOU!!
Last edited by amg2; 05/18/1010:54 PM.
M--14 years T--20 years, HS sweethearts dday #1--2002 EA dday #2--2005 bar sl*t dday #3/4--Feb 2010 texting/cell/physical/who knows what Shortly after found out he had been injecting steroids for 2 years
Can many stages be happenning at once? For example three at a time?
YES! but it is also likely that he is just in Replay, depression is a natural occurence throughout. When he gets to depression stage, he may think about suicide.
Is the suicide thing something I can make better/worse? Or does it fall under the umbrella of "out of my hands" like everyting else? He currently seems much more stable, possibly less depressed than right after d day 4 months ago.
1)I'm not sure it's productive to ask this question now, but had I known this was an MLC on d day, would the DB recommendation have been to ask him to leave the house (which is what I did)? I don't feel we could have stayed in the same house whether "good" or "bad" and don't regret that decision. Just curious.
2)Since he's been kicked out he's commented that I'm becoming "miss indedpendent", doing many househould chores he didn't think I could/would. Is that bad? Good? Indifferent? It's who I am and I have no choice but to upkeep the house. I can't act like I'm incapable to suit him. But I'm also curious if/how this comes into play, if at all.
Thanks
Last edited by amg2; 05/19/1001:07 AM.
M--14 years T--20 years, HS sweethearts dday #1--2002 EA dday #2--2005 bar sl*t dday #3/4--Feb 2010 texting/cell/physical/who knows what Shortly after found out he had been injecting steroids for 2 years
I could give to craps about the stages HE is in, or even if he wears one black sock and one white sock and what THAT might mean.
I care about how you do.
Mach is correct come a day when he comes around, your old marriage is dead.
And you either forgive him for the horrible and poor chocies he made while his mind was all fukced up...and if this is MLC it is fukced up. Or you do not, and if you do not or cannot then move on now.
Because, if your H does come out of an MLC only to be reminded of all the suffering YOU did and all the horrible thing he did...then my advice to him would be to get away from that.
You are not doing this to be superior, you are doing this because you love him. Right?
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
You need to do what is right for you regardless. You never know what an mlcer is thinking. You can't spend every moment wondering if you did the right thing for him. This is not about him. It is about you. Your motives are not about how to get him back because that is something you will never know. You need to continue on your own journey and he needs to go on his.
Thank you guys. I didn't mean my questions to sound very "H focused" as if I'm not worrying about me. I've been asked a few times here what I'm doing for myself. I just realized I haven't answered: going to IC, reading self help books, working out, spending time with friends/family, planning a trip to Vegas with a friend, getting ready to get back to Rosetta Stone Spanish, going to church. Now don't get me wrong I think about H and all our messedup BS. But I have completely stopped looking at phone recs and 99% stopped looking at email which is huge for me. HUGE. But I realize and accept that as long as he's not working on our M (which he hasn't much in 3.5 months) it doesn't matter what he IS doing (which I'm 99% sure includes some type of lying). I also accept that I have "inner work" of my own and am focusing on that. Unless he does the same, I'll never take him seriously.
Thank you all for all your help. This thread is very important to me! I hope I can help others some day the way you've helped me.
M--14 years T--20 years, HS sweethearts dday #1--2002 EA dday #2--2005 bar sl*t dday #3/4--Feb 2010 texting/cell/physical/who knows what Shortly after found out he had been injecting steroids for 2 years
It seems kind of odd to just "pick back up" as if months and months of lying didn't happen.
If that is what you are asking, then you really won't get an answer you like.
There will never be a time when you just "pick back up"
Whether or not you admit it, your old marriage is gone, dead, over.
Anything that happens down the road will be a new relationship.
If that is with your current spouse, then that is great.
Piecing is hard work, probably HARDER than standing. Tough, and I mean tough love will come into play, and boundaries will be set and enforced. Most of the things you don't do as a stander , are necessary now.
IF.....You look inside, and do YOUR work....
When that time comes.....you will find that the answers you seek, will not matter as much.
Mostly because your questions will have changed.
Trust is a hard thing to rebuild....with anyone, let alone the person you trusted with EVERYTHING previously...
Maybe that is why it is imperative to find YOU first.
GREAT post Mach... just getting caught up on this thread and came across this wisdom... is it acceptable to post whistles or does Puppy have that copyrighted?
My wedding anniversary is coming up next week. I'm not pursuing, not contacting, not inviting, etc. We talk on average a few times per week. How should I handle the anniversary? I am really not willing/up to getting together even if he asks (which he may not), so I was planning to not contact him, and if he asks me to do something that day, make an excuse and say we can get together the next day instead.
I don't think I can be pleasant that day. I'm acutally dreading it. But I know I'm to appear upbeat. Advice?
Thank you in advance
M--14 years T--20 years, HS sweethearts dday #1--2002 EA dday #2--2005 bar sl*t dday #3/4--Feb 2010 texting/cell/physical/who knows what Shortly after found out he had been injecting steroids for 2 years
AMG think about how the anniversary date will affect you. If you are really bothered by it and can't talk to your h without getting upset then it is best to be dark until it passes.
If you are able to take the higher road then do so. Meaning you could always wish your h happy anniversary. I always tried to take the high road and wished my h happy anniversary regardless of our situation.
We also celebrated our anniversary together too. My h wanted that. I felt what are we celebrating, but put that behind me and enjoyed my h's company. Again I took the high road.
Think about what might work best for you.
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
That kind of fits what I had in mind...any other suggestions or anyone disagree? Thanks
M--14 years T--20 years, HS sweethearts dday #1--2002 EA dday #2--2005 bar sl*t dday #3/4--Feb 2010 texting/cell/physical/who knows what Shortly after found out he had been injecting steroids for 2 years
