Thanks everyone. I'm just this big basket case. When he first left, it was easy, let him call, initiate contact, just give him space. Then the waters begin to get murkier and I lose sight of everything.
Odga, It is so simple, that filter, yet I tend to forget. Maybe my goal needs to be refined, previously it was to not do anything that would close the door to reconcilliation. But I'm perhaps getting greedy, wanting more than what I have.
Mockers, I feel like I'm in the yeah, but stage. Yeah, those were all positives, but he didn't admit thia and that...etc. More on this in a moment.
Manisha, You do help, I think I'm losing complete perspecitve on the whole work thing. I believe I resent it because it has come before me in the past few years. If they call or need him, no matter what our plans (we move vacations that have been scheduled, miss kid events) work comes first. I think the kids and me should come first, and perhaps this is faulty thinking. I should be grateful he is employed and makes an income that supports us. I think I can see your perspective because I'm not emotionally attached and there isn't all the baggage as with H and I, so thank you.
KAW, it is an olympic sport, but the thing is there are so many different areas we must compete in! And be proficient. And I seem to be able to only focus on one things at a time.
Cupcake, sometimes I think he is looking for validation from other people and maybe my actions to justify leaving. If I react badly or say bad things about him or his family, he was right. Maybe he is unconsiously pushing my buttons to see how I'll react. And, unfortunately, it works.
To continue my horrible, no good, very bad day, H called on the way back to work from his therapist appointment. He liked her, that is good, and apparently I was the subject of conversation. The T thinks I am a very unhappy, miserable, bitter person. (I probably am adding adjectives, but unhappy is a fact). H told her about our last T and how the T just really laid into all my faults and the new T said I was just a glutton for punishment or sadistic. They analyzed that perhaps I am unhappy being a stay at home mom and not working, and that I enjoy other things, not what I am or do. That I'm just a basically unhappy person. I made a comment to H, that he goes to T and now I have things to think about. H flipped on that, I didn't think it was a negative statement.
But this whole thing has rocked me. Am I really that unhappy? Does H not tell me things because I take it all personally and I'm unreasonable? Do I have the bad case of anything is never enough, I always want more and I'm not satisfied with what I have. It is like a whole new element has been opened up, not just that H is unhappy being married to me, but I'm a unhappy person.
I know he will call tonight, and I'm so tempted to refuse to speak to him, but I think that would be a mistake. There has to be some truth in all this and I need to look at it. I have to validate and just listen to the critcisms of me, take the winds out of his sails, as Odga said.
How did I ever get here? I drive a mini-van, life in a McHouse, and don't work. Things I always said as a twenty-year old that I would never do. So was my 20 year old self wise or did I just grow up? Have I changed that much in 10 years or did I just go along with all this because it was the easy thing to do?
