Last post there: Thought yesterday was going ok, went to church with her (something she does more often than I do, and I need to do more of), went to work until 6 pm, and we meet another couple at a restaurant who was watching our D8, and it seemed to go well. Then after we got home and I got D8 and D14 to bed, she started flipping out. She asked me last week to not call her dad the same day she was going down to see him(this is the day she went to OM place). I knew she wasn’t there, because who calls their dad for 45 minutes, when they are driving 45 minutes to see him and spend the night and could talk all night to him face to face. The next day she TM me that all was ok with dad and that he would get together later with me, hmmm, never did so I was worried , and called him, to get my concerns across to him. She said last week that she doesn’t want me to get him on my side like 5 years ago.(she wasn't there either) “you do the opposite of everything you say, you call my dad, and don’t give me space, and follow me everywhere”, I say “follow you?”, she doesn’t say a word. (I think somehow she knows I went up there, probably someone saw me up there and told her when she went to her car, that someone was taking pictures of it). She then leaves the bedroom, and doesn’t return, I go looking at 2 am for her, and she is in D14 bed with her .(kids don’t need to be involved). This morning both up early, so I ask her why sleeping with D14, “she knows we are having problems, she’s not stupid”. Then the one that hurt,”I don’t like being around you anymore”. She also tried to put words in my mouth by saying,”Ya, it’s always my fault, you never do anything wrong”. I did rebut this. Also, after church she was going to get hair done, but conveniently missed that, and had 6 hours all to herself and ended up in a city half way between our house and OM’s. Seems I am going to need to expose this EA/PA, and sooner than I wanted to (readiness, confidence, PMA, and work schedule). I desperately need to get the logistics down pat; exact boundaries, who to expose it to besides her, and when in to expose it to her and them respectively, and what to do about OM(contact him and or his family(no wife or SO) or work). Sorry so long – but I feel like I’m under the gun now.
from my fortune cookie,,,,,,"Adversity is the test for strong men" Me -44 WAW - 43 D14 D8 EA/PA mid May,2010 WAW moved out- 07/01/10 WAW filed 07/01/10
--------------- OK, spite is an emotion, an intention. If you expose an affair, and he's so humiliated he has no choice but to come back and work on his marriage to save public image... is that spite at work there at all?
Exposure is an act some of us on here recommend in order to do DAMAGE to the infidelity.
Infidelity survives on three things much like a flame does :
1. Sex 2. Emotion/Connectivity 3. Secrets
When you expose an affair, you take the secrets away and trade them for :
1. Sex 2. Emotion/Connectivity 3. Shame
This throws a wrench into things...
Your exposure furthermore often causes conflict between the cheating spouses. They can't deal maturely with their public embarrassment, and they end up taking it out on each other...
So you end up with
1. Sex 2. Conflict 3. Shame
I dunno about you, but most women at least, and even most men dont' feel all that excited or sexy when they are angry and fighting because they have been publically humilated.
The sex will die after that.
This is the THEORY.
The effectiveness of the exposure has a HUGE impact on how well these ingredients take damage. If you expose well then you can bet your retirement fund those two are fighting with each other... You are out of the picture since you are in LRT so they have no choice but to attack one another.. its very common... Have a look at OfficerInNeeds thread or Ken's... they both have been pushing exposure hard and its done a lot for their marriage in a positive sense.
It's not a guarantee, how you expose, and to whom makes a huge difference. But one thing is for certain - it WILL very often CHANGE the LANDSCAPE of the affair somehow.
It usually does damage to the affair.
MOST people cheating do NOT want the LBS exposing the affair publically.. why? Cause it will cause them inconvenience, upset, frustration, embarassment, generally things that aren't fun.
Expose well and you turn a secret, fun, romance into
a embarrassing, stressful, mess
In many cases, the WS will feel compelled to END the affair to get AWAY from the mess...
As long as the affair is secret, fun, and romantic, they will be inclined to continue.
Why ENABLE that?
As long as you enable and keep the affair a secret, you are PART of the affair.
Once you expose the affair
You EXIT yourself from it.. its like a ugly secret you were keeping that you want RID of... once you expose, you dont' have that unpleasant feeling anymore.
THIS is why we recommend exposure... NOT out of spite or to HURT people, but for the practical benefits outlined above - EXPOSURE CHANGES the infidelity... it changes it into something stressful more often than not.. something many WS' want to get AWAY FROM.
Pup, i think we saw this recently in OIN's thread...
First he exposed the infidelity and his wife is embarrassed to go to work... AND its caused trouble for OM with his wife and NOW OM and OIN's WS are fighting with each other and not speaking at all...
This DOES WORK... OIN's thread is a good example of it...
He has no spouse, and people seem to think contacting his work is not the key. One said legal action in the form of a Tort might scare him? Feels like she is trying to bait me into doing everything to fast when I'm not ready? Her boss(female) has known our family all 15 years, so thinking she might be able to apply pressure of some kind, as well as FIL who has already told me he's a straight shooter, and will tell either one of us were out of line if he feels it, just not sure how he would take the EA/Pa thing.
from my fortune cookie,,,,,,"Adversity is the test for strong men" Me -44 WAW - 43 D14 D8 EA/PA mid May,2010 WAW moved out- 07/01/10 WAW filed 07/01/10
Who are the "people" telling you not to contact his workplace?
You really think a piece of paper is going to scare him away?
I am not a lawyer, but don't know any piece of paper that scared people away from infidelity.. you would THINK your marriage license, a ring, a wedding, and kids would have been enough to scare OM away right?
, and called him, to get my concerns across to him. She said last week that she doesn’t want me to get him on my side like 5 years ago.(she wasn't there either)
.(kids don’t need to be involved).
