Great news!! Definately go to Retrouvaille. It is wonderful and really helps with effective communication and talking/writing about your feelings instead of nailing him to the wall!! nik
I don't know why I wasn't in a great mood yesterday, thinking about things and where we were last year. H came to pick up the kids, I had chicken baking in the over for my dinner. Also have a friend of H's staying here for a few days. H assumed the food was his and then when he found out I was cooking dinner for just me, he got pissed off, and then I made dinner for everyone and things just spiraled out of control. He was also /mad at me because he asked what was wrong and I said nothing.
So, I thought about being right vs. being happy and called him last night to clear the air. I told him it was a bad day, that I got an email from his mom telling me what a wonderful time she had with the boys and that it hurt. We talked a bit, I tried to get it to a light note, but wasn't happening. He told me that the reason he won't talk about work to me is because of the anger I have towards his company and boss and that I blame our problems on them. I do, to an extent, but I'm not that stupid. I know work was a contributing factor to this whole mess, but it was also he who choose to work 80 hour weeks.
This morning he drops off the kids with angry face and then just lit into me that I need to decide what role I want his parents in my life, I complain they haven't contacted me, then I complain they do (the statement above), and he says God knows what you are saying about them behind their backs (is he reading my thread?). I've always felt second best with them and it has been the joke for years. H today denied he has never said anything to that effect. I debated that a bit, and then let go of it. Right or happy?
Damn, I was doing so well and then with a 30 second conversation he can reduce me to tears. He is so angry, and now I am as well. It became a list all my faults again. What happened to the "I'm bad husband" bit where he seemed ready to assume some of the burden for this?
Two main things are my feelings towards his work and his parents. Somehow I have to break that cycle. After 17 years of feeling second best in their eyes, can I change the DIL I am? Am I too negative about them? Is part of what H says true (probably, I'm sure we're both a little bit right)?
And can I drop the anger about work when I feel like I'm second fiddle to that?
Yikes. Life can get complicated quickly. Just when I thought we were pulling closer, this comes up. Pushing conversations before we were ready?
Forgot the part where he said that he can't turn to me to be supportive about work, so he has to turn to other people. THis was the closest we've ever come to acknowledging the ow/ea thing. Also when he answered phone it was in a very upbeat/sexy hello. He doesn't have id, who was he expecting to be calling? He changed his tone when he found out it was me.
I can relate. H has been mad for years that I don't love/accept his parents. I do but I love my family more, blah, blah. I chose to about 1 yr. ago, NEVER complain to H about his family. I will vent to my mom if need be.
I also try to be attentive and validate when H is talking about work or acting. H like yours, sounds like he does not feel supported. Just stay positive when he tells you ANYTHING. It takes alot of time for them to tear down that wall they have built around themselves.
The positive is that H TALKED to you and told you how he felt. I think any opening up whether it seems like a bad talk or not is actually a POSITIVE.
You are doing great!! I love the laser tag idea. I think I will steal it! nik
Jackie....as weird as it seems...it does seem understandable to me that you and h would backtrack a bit...you covered SO MUCH ground on your "date" -- it's scary isn't it??? For both of you, I'm sure.
When you're ready...reread your last two posts...your h is telling you what needs to be different...and his "I"m a bad h" indicates that he knows that HE has work to do, too...
Full of positive thoughts for YOU! Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
