Thanks, everyone, for your continued support and allowing me to vent and get out my frustrations.
Interesting weekend:
W asked me Sat. why I said anything to her family. I had no reason to bring them in to this. I said I was simply setting the record straight, I didn't want a D but wasn't going to stop you from leaving. Anyway, long story short, she agreed to go to counseling. She brought it up, asked if I had anyone in mind and to schedule something. Then she said she didn't think I would do it because I "changed my mind" about separating. She asked me if I trusted her and I said no, you have not given me a reason to in months. Did I think she had slept with the super. I said, at this point, I'm not sure, but it didn't really matter. The relationship is wrong, period. I don't trust her right now, I don't believe her when she says they are just friends and, yes, I wonder if she is telling me the truth about anything.
So, the bottom line is, she reluctantly agreed to counseling. She doesn't sound like she has a very open mind about it, but I guess that's normal? I will make the appointment and pray that she goes and her mind and heart are opened up. I'm sure I will learn some things about myself, too.
I know this is just a step and I am far from out of the woods. If anyone can let me know what I may expect from here would be appreciated. I assume it will still be a good while before she warms up to me or relaxes. Things are still pretty tense. I'm okay with that, I don't expect it to change overnight. Patience, right?
Well that's a fabulous first step, solely for the reason that she was the one who suggested it.
For it to have any benefit at all, you must tell her that you are not willing to do it unless she is willing to drop that inappropriate relationship COMPLETELY. It will be a waste of time otherwise, and just give her the ability to save face by saying "Well I tried my best to save the marriage, it just didn't work out".
Be adamant about it. You will be wasting money otherwise. I wasn't adamant about dropping the OM when my W and I did Retrouvaille together, and it basically netted us nothing in the way of fixing the relationship, despite the intensity of the program.
Don't get your hopes up, keep the burden of proof on her, and make her drive the reconciliation effort. If she wants you back she has to earn you, because you will be one hell of a catch for someone else who is willing to honor and respect you. Never forget that.
Great news nonetheless. You are doing a fantastic job, keep it up.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
Expect her to test your resolve. Expect her to be very flirty then cold. Expect her to watch you closely.
Notice when things changed for you? Keep doing what works. Keep leading. You are handling it.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Well that's a fabulous first step, solely for the reason that she was the one who suggested it.
For it to have any benefit at all, you must tell her that you are not willing to do it unless she is willing to drop that inappropriate relationship COMPLETELY. It will be a waste of time otherwise, and just give her the ability to save face by saying "Well I tried my best to save the marriage, it just didn't work out".
Be adamant about it. You will be wasting money otherwise. I wasn't adamant about dropping the OM when my W and I did Retrouvaille together, and it basically netted us nothing in the way of fixing the relationship, despite the intensity of the program.
Don't get your hopes up, keep the burden of proof on her, and make her drive the reconciliation effort. If she wants you back she has to earn you, because you will be one hell of a catch for someone else who is willing to honor and respect you. Never forget that.
Great news nonetheless. You are doing a fantastic job, keep it up.
You're right on all accounts, Pigskin.
I remember reading that you and your W did attend Retrouvaille and that it really didn't help because she didn't let it. I get the feeling that she is finally getting worried that people are finding out about all of this and realizing that she is lying. He's not "just" a friend. That's what she tells her family. I didn't want to go to such and such place and OM just happened to be there. I'm sure they want to believe her and trust their daughter. I didn't bad mouth her to her family, just told the truth.
I did tell W that the only reason I have not said anything to OM was I was not sure I could keep my cool and may have done something stupid. I told her I was in much better control of my emotions now and left it at that. I didn't say I would or wouldn't have a talk with him, just left in hang there.
If she backs off and starts talking to him again or says she won't go to counseling, confronting OM will be next and then exposure to school board and others at the school.
Not getting my hopes up. This is just the beginning, I know. She is still being a jerk, and that's okay. I expect it. I'm tired of it and ready for it to stop, but I expect it.
We'll see how it goes. I will continue to need advice and thoughts of what to expect. I guess now is when it really gets interesting.
Expect her to test your resolve. Expect her to be very flirty then cold. Expect her to watch you closely.
Notice when things changed for you? Keep doing what works. Keep leading. You are handling it.
Cheers
100% correct, Coach.
BTW, did some or all of this happen with you and Greek? She will bring up times recently that I wasn't excited for a job prospect for her or ask her how her friend from work is. She doesn't speak to me other than where the kids will be and where I need to pick them up. I have stopped initiating small talk. If she does, I am friendly and receptive, but don't go out of my way to drag things out of her. Is it normal for her to do this?
I am working very hard on leading and not being as a$$. Yes, I am angry at the whole sitch. I hope she is watching me because I'm not the same person she was dealing with 6mos. ago.
W asked me Sat. why I said anything to her family. I had no reason to bring them in to this. I said I was simply setting the record straight, I didn't want a D but wasn't going to stop you from leaving.
W asked me Sat. why I said anything to her family. I had no reason to bring them in to this. I said I was simply setting the record straight, I didn't want a D but wasn't going to stop you from leaving.
That's awesome - keep moving forward!
No backing down now. Limbo is a $h!tty place to be.
W continues to be in her crappy mood. Nothing new there. I remain consistent in my demeanor around her. Friendly but distant.
This morning, before leaving for work, she asked if I had made an appointment with an MC. I said I had made some phone calls, got office hours and was going to ask her when she wanted to go. She said anytime, just make the appt.
I don't know if her sudden interest in going immediately is good or bad. I know not to mind read. Not getting my hopes up. It seems, as Pigskin suggested, that she wants to say, look, I did all I could, now let's be done with it all. Maybe I'm wrong, we'll see. At least it's a step and she is the one who brought it up again.
I called this morning and have an appt later this week.
W continues to be in her crappy mood. Nothing new there. I remain consistent in my demeanor around her. Friendly but distant.
Emphasis on the friendly. Be the person that you'd want to be if she was acting the way you'd expect. If she is going to do her own 180s and turn back fully and loving to you, she needs to see a 'you' that she can love. That takes time and she may continue to test you with random comments and arguments to test your resolve.
I find it very hard to be polite when D is on my mind. The lists of things that a D brings up are hard to put down. If you see her as in a crappy mood, are you sure it isn't converting friendly into just distant?
If you see her as in a crappy mood, are you sure it isn't converting friendly into just distant?
You must have been there before. This is exactly what I think about.
I try to be "lovingly distant", but am sure it is more distant than anything. To me, it is impossible to be loving toward her. I have to settle on friendly for now. Not overly friendly but not pissy, either.
What does she want? I am finally done with her B.S. She knows it. Should I make more of an effort to be more loving and not so distant? Doesn't seem like the time is right, but I've been wrong, lots of times, before.
