I need help in the biggest way. I feel so helpless

[TimeHeals]

it does feel good to feel like you have a grip. I hope this lasts for me as well. I need to stay strong.

Yep, having a "grip" is Ginormously Fantabulous [tigger speak--favorite cartoon character].

[FindingMyVoice]

Good morning Time, sorry to hear of yet another rough day for you yesterday, thinking good thoughts for you for strength and healing. Glad you've got his family's support even now that he's left. You're doing great... hang in there. Take care. PG.

[timehealsall]

Rough weekend all around. I am not proud of some of the things I've done...

Friday, I took the day off.

I went to take the kids to get donuts and coffee and was then came back to get MIL who was getting ready.

H's car was in the driveway. I left kids in truck (they were excited and asking for daddy) and walked up to see what he was doing/make sure he wasn't arguing with MIL (although she is staying offsite on the same property.

I told him H, kids are in the car, thought you might like to say hello to them. He said, yes, I'd love to. thanks.

He put his small bag in the car that contained his toiletries.. he came down and was hugging and kissing the kids. MIL came out and once he saw her, he went to his car.

She started calling him and calling his name. He ignored her. She ran over to his car and opened his passenger side door to speak with him and started putting her finger in his face. He told her to get out.. get the eff out of his car/face. That infuriated her and she kept going, demanding that he respect his mother and he just started getting more and more mad.

I was standing drinking my iced coffee and they kept going back and forth and at one point, he said that she and I were ganging up on him and plotting against him. I then interjected and said that that wasn't right.. no one was doing that then he told me to stay out. More words were exchanged. he said someone along the lines of "trust me..." and I laughed and said "yeah, right, I can't trust you" and then he called me and effin c*nt. I just lost it. I took my iced coffee and threw it in his face and and it got all over the inside of his car. He flipped out. Got out and said that he and I were really over. I was like uhm, we have been over for weeks now remember?

Well.. things escalated.. I took his phone and he asked for it back and I said no that it was mine because it's under my plan and that i would call and cancel it. we went back and forth.. he called me more nasty things.. (it was horrible) and I punched him and scratched his face. He said he was getting full custody of the kids, that I should have been more of a woman and treated him like a man and f*cked him. That he had spoken to an attorney and that he was going to make sure I didn't do to him what his mother did to his dad. I was just enraged.. I kept going at him. He took pictures of his face using his phone and even said he was filing a police report for the divorce..

P.S. He left (he faked a call to the cops) and we went to my mom's house for the remainder of the day/ night.

he text me later that night asking about the kids...asking where we were (mainly kids).. we went back and forth and really going through everything. we decided it'd be best to focus on the kids and that there really needed to be space between us for now.

Saturday morning, he came over to get S5.. I had checked FB and noticed he posted with a Blackberry phone... meanwhile he has an iPhone. I was so upset.

So I confronted him about it when he came over (His face looked terrible BTW. bruised and scratched). He said yes, he had gone out and gotten a new phone under his name because he didn't want to have me shut his down and messing around with it.

I don't know why this upset me so much but it did. I guess my insecurities were back full on.

I then took S5 to his practice that H was coaching (I had thrown him out).. he then went to breakfast and to get haircuts with S5 and dropped him off.

afterwards, i got my girls and we went to the ball field for S5's game. H text me and I told him to meet us there. I didn't want anymore fights at the house and I knew MIl would come out and confront him again.

We spoke at the game and we spoke nicely and I was telling him things his mother was saying to me.. he got upset and said that alot of it was wrong and not true. He then went on to say that he thinks his mom is trying to sabotage the M. I told him I didn't think so.. but at this point, I'm so confused.

My MIL did try to sabotage my M before we even got married. She and I have had alot of drama in the past. Her talking badly about me. Accusing me of brainwashing her son, that I'm a tramp, not up to her standards. I could write a novel on that alone. She is very controlling and I've always referred to her as Lady MacBeth. Anytime she's been in the picture and a big part of H's life, he and I have had problems. She is a [censored] stirrer..

I will be honest in saying that I she has been throwing jabs at me here and there, but I wrote it off to MIL being MIL.. that that is just how she is.

but what struck me was that she was saying that H started the argument with her looking for his ticket out of the apartment (ie, living with me)..

so anyway, we talked at the game and got some things out.. afterwards, he asked if I was still adamant about not attending the party we were all invited to (His best friends.. his BF's wife is my close friend as well and knows our story).. I said I didn't know (I had said no) he then said I want you to go.. So I said, okay and he said he'd call me when he as ready and on his way over (he is staying at his dad's.. his dad lives less than a mile away) He came over and we all went to the communion. The kids had a good time.. I felt horrible that he was subjected to many questions about his face that he said was from playing football with the guys.. my gf had had a few drinks and said to him "I know your wife did that and you deserved it" mind you, she didnt' know anything.. so he then went paranoid and asked me a million questions wanting to know if i had said anything. because later on, she went up to him and said "you're either in or out, stop stringing her along playing these stupid games" UGH lol

He came back to my place and we bathed the kids and put them to bed. He then left as well. it was sad seeing him go.

yesterday, he text me to see how we were doing.. He was going to game in the afternoon.. I was heading to my folks house to cut a cake for my BIL and dad... I spoke with him and we went back and forth and I said that we needed to make decisions at some point because I feel in limbo. he said that we needed to just chill and asked me for patience and to let us take it one step at a time. When I said let's just get D, he didn't agree though.. I just don't get it.. he did at one point say that he knows I'm a pretty girl and I dress beautifully with great legs and I commute every day and that he knows I can get myself a good man. I then replied "oh, let's make this very clear. I'm not stupid, I am certain I can get myself someone else, but that's not the point here" ugh.. I asked him to get rid of the cell phone and he said no.. I told him he hadn't even given me the number and he said he would but he didn't/hasn't.. He hasn't used it really either because he hasn't carried it on him and has been using the other phone mainly.. he has had the other phone (on our plan together), for 11 years.. it's the lifeline to his business..

he text me throughout the day asking me how we all were doing. I then text him asking if he wanted to put the kids to bed that night. He said yes, thank you and that he'd text me when he was on his way.

He stopped by and watched the ball game with the kids..showed us pics of the game he went to and then put DD's to bed and then stayed up a little later with S5. he would pass out on the couch and then finally put S to bed and I handed him the rest of his clothes I had just washed. I said to him "you can stay if you want, I won't take it as anything.. so you don't have to wake up as early tomorrow" and he said I don't have anything here.. that's when I handed him his wash and he said to just keep it there.. then he left.

he came over early this morning and I left for work..

I'm just so sad... I'm so confused. Today is day 5 without sleeping the night there. It's very sad to me.

I feel like I don't know what to do.. I know I need to focus on me and keep moving forward but how? I feel like I'm in limbo. This sucks.

I'm all over the place and am sure I left stuff out.. but just wanted to update..

Happy Monday all..

[papayachic]

I am new to this board so I can't offer any wise advice..

I can just give you hugs ((())) and hope you have an easy day today.

[SMM23]

Sounds to me like a little of a positive sign that you need to understand but not react to. It is good that he did not want the divorce even after the HUGE fight. He wants to take it slow, which is good as well IMHO. I am just a little past this point although she has not said it like your H has. So take what you have, a start. He wants to take it slow, so take it slow. I was impatient like you and felt like we needed to move forward or apart. I am starting to develop patience and realize that the problems will not heal fast, even though when it starts to feel good and things seem a little better, the tendency is to hit the gas. DO NOT DO THAT!!! I did and it set us back. Now W thinks if she gives little signs that I will try to take more. So be careful. Enjoy what he is willing to give. If you find yourself overanalyzing, find something to do to get your mind off of the R and it will be easier. Like everybody says on here, go with what works. It will take a long time to recover. I am trying to pound this in my own head. Keep venting here as a release. We will be here. ((((HUGS))))

[timehealsall]

Thank you SMM23, You read my mind, word for word. That has been my problem in this whole ordeal. anytime I've seen some positivity in a good direction, I've rushed and fallen back into the same old pattern. I NEED to continue DBing. It works and I have to stop having these setbacks.. ugh..

Papaychic, hugs to you girl. thank you.

[SMM23]

And do not forget, keep working on yourself. That has helped me the most through all of this. He has his problems as well and he needs the space to work on them. If he sees you straighten your issues out and are more confident he will do the same. Good LUCK!!!!

[timehealsall]

Thanks!

When I got home yesterday, he was making dinner... Kids were happy. He had text me pictures of the girls throughout the day at the park and stuff. He and I spoke on and off throughout the day.

After dinner, I bathed the kids and changed them and then watched some tv and we both put them to bed and then sat on the couch and talked for a while.

He was asking me about other conversations I/he had had with his mother. We chatted about it.. We noticed some things that didn't match up. We weren't argumentative at all.

He then went into the bedroom changed into gym clothes and went to the gym to meet up with his gymrat buddy who's training for a competition next month.. I said goodnight to him and he left.

I was looking for my phone charger and called him to ask where he had put it.. I then found it and ended the call while it was ringing. He phoned me back right away asking if everything was okay. I told him and that was that and he wished me a good night.

He was at my place early this morning. Looks beaten up. He is sleeping in his dad's basement (funny, it was our first apt. together and since then, it's taken a dungeon appearance and it's dark and gloomy and storage like). He said he was exhausted. Didn't sleep well because he is sleeping on a twin mattress on the floor. He came in my bedroom and just went right to the bed to lay down. Made me sad for him but it's better this way right now.

I finished getting ready. Kissed and hugged my babies and then wished everyone a great day and said goodbye.

Happy Tuesday!

I know I need this time as well.

[timehealsall]

I think my impatience is getting the best of me.

We have been getting along great. Probably speaking more than usual.. Flirting here and there.. I made dinner last night and he came home with the kids right after S5's game.

We sat down and ate and bathed the kids and then put them to bed and chatted for a bit. he then went home and that was it.

I did my hair last night and lightened it. It came out really good. I like it. Feel purty!

He was at my place this morning for the kids.. he commented that he liked my hair and that it looked good...I went to work. He text me in the early afternoon to tell me that S5 had a mini meltdown when H dropped him off at school.

I called H up and asked what had happened. He told me that S was weepy and sad and that H tried to get him to talk and told him he loved him. S said "daddy, I miss you" H replied that he did too and that nothing would change that. S said okay and then H told him that he would always be his daddy and always love him.

*sigh*

it upset me that S was feeling like this. This is all so unecessary. SO I said to H, we will need to figure out a more permanent situation and what we're going to do. He kept asking what I was referring to. That he was there every morning when they woke up and all day and until he puts them to bed. I said yes, but we will need to figure out something because not only is it not fair to them, but it's not fair to me. I have been in limbo for over 9 months and I feel stuck (I probably shouldn't have said ANYTHING). So then he says, what do you want to do? and I said, I think if we're not going to be together, then we need to just get divorced. So then he said, be honest with me. Do you want to end things because there is someone else?

I chuckled and said no.. and that I wouldn't do that while we were married but that I do want to move on and being that with him isn't an option, then it's something that I've thought about and want. He was taken back by it. kept saying "you will be better off.. you're a pretty girl, you'll meet someone with money who will take care of you. that's what you've always wanted. I couldn't give that to you. I see how you look when you go to work and I know that guys must hit on you" totally putting himself down and I just let him talk.

Then he goes to agree with me that if that's what I want, then fine, let's do it.

I then said that part of me thinks that I'm going to continue waiting around in limbo and he'll end up falling into what he did before. He said "never. I would never do that again" I was like uhm, what? you did that before. why not now? he said "because I could never do that to my kids and in front of my kids.. I wouldnt' want to hurt them" (this part peeved me..but whatever) So then I said, oh, so doing it in a different country was different? he said, I guess but I couldn't do it again. I ended the conversation on a light note that we'd talk later.

Later on, I had a doctor's appt. he had called me and I text him that I'd call him back when I got out. he asked what dr. and why? and then I told him I was going for a general checkup and to be sure that whatever I got (STD) last year was completely gone for good. He then replies back "definitely, you're going to be out their with other guys.. smart"

I didn't even entertain that thought.

Was I stupid in saying anything to him to begin with?

Am I just being impatient?

[timehealsall]

What do you all do during this waiting period when you feel stuck?

I'm lonely and am craving affection in the worst way. I feel like I'm rotting away..