She said "Have you thought about what you'll need from me to make this work between us?" I nodded my head. She said "I know. We have a lot of talking to do. I want to tell you one thing now, and I don't want you to respond." I said "Okay." She said "If we end up in court, or if we end up together, I won't be made out to be the villain." I looked a bit puzzled, and she said "I won't be cast as the villain because of the decisions I made while we were separated. Is that possible for you?" I said "We don't need to talk about it now, but I wouldn't be here if I didn't think it was possible." She looked relieved.
This was a huge, HUGE sub-moment in your exchange, Future. Had you not handled this correctly, in EITHER direction (either leading her to believe that you were going to "lord her affair over her," or by going all unilateral-disarmament and melty-man on her), you would have had a big setback.
You are displaying cautious forgiveness, and giving her HOPE. One of the potential pitfalls of the "tough stance" approach is that, if you don't do it correctly, you can start to portray not strength, but HOPELESSNESS. The formerly-wayward spouse needs to feel like there is HOPE for them if they return to the marriage, that their affair won't be forever lorded over them, and yet simultaneously that you still mean business and are LEADING.
It's a delicate dance to pull off, but you're doing great here.
Just a hunch, but do you have people praying for you right now??
Puppy
It was huge, and it's no coincidence it's the one big thing she made a point to bring up. Walking the line isn't too hard for me right now because I myself am ON the line. As you know full well, I've got powerful emotions about all this, and I'll have to resist unleashing them on her, simply because it won't do any good, and would be contrary to a true desire to reconcile. I have gotten an incredible perspective from watching other situations unfold here over the past year and a half. Regardless of what happens, I hope other people will gain perspective from reading my sitch in the future.
I do wonder how she will react when I tell her what I will need from her. I can't let this go too far before we have that talk.
