She sent me an e-mail earlier this week about liking what we were doing, but wanting more time with just the two of us. I sent her a reply a few days later saying I had an idea or two on how we could spend more one on one time together. When I saw her tonight she immediately asked about it, but I said "No point in talking about that until we get this custody thing resolved."
Before I brought up the custody thing, I talked a bit about how I've observed married people lately, and how I hate seeing bad marriages. I described something I saw recently and she said "I am so sorry for being like that with you." I said "I'm sorry for not appreciating you." I told her "I will not be in a marriage like that again. I'd rather be alone." She agreed.
Then we talked about the custody. I stood my ground and said I wouldn't give up my custody until a court ordered me to. She said "Offer me something." I said we could switch to full alternating weekends (right now it's only Saturday we alternate). She easily gave in. We were flirting like crazy.
She said "Have you thought about what you'll need from me to make this work between us?" I nodded my head. She said "I know. We have a lot of talking to do. I want to tell you one thing now, and I don't want you to respond." I said "Okay." She said "If we end up in court, or if we end up together, I won't be made out to be the villain." I looked a bit puzzled, and she said "I won't be cast as the villain because of the decisions I made while we were separated. Is that possible for you?" I said "We don't need to talk about it now, but I wouldn't be here if I didn't think it was possible." She looked relieved.
Then she said "So what are your ideas?" I said "Let's take boxing lessons together." She laughed and said "Awesome! We can beat the crap out of each other." I smiled and said "That's exactly what I thought. I'll get the schedule and set it up."
Then I said "Now you want to go have some fun?" She said "Yeah!" I brought her to a club to see an awesome funk band. We had a few drinks, danced, and made out all night. She looked smokin'. Truly one of the best times we've ever had together. There was a significant sexual vibe going, but we didn't go there, not yet. There was enough cautious realism between to know not to do that. I didn't in any way feel I was being manipulated. She really was just right. She stood up for herself, but she gave me what I wanted too, and was vulnerable. I think she feels safe with me. Unbelievable.
On the drive back to her car, she said "My lawyer told me I can just withdraw my petition, and that'll be that. I'll talk to him." I said "Let me know how that goes, and if you need me to do anything." When we got to her car we made out for a while, then she got out and drove away.
What a bizarre night. It was all very cool. I feel good. I think we might just make it.
She sent me an e-mail earlier this week about liking what we were doing, but wanting more time with just the two of us. I sent her a reply a few days later saying I had an idea or two on how we could spend more one on one time together. When I saw her tonight she immediately asked about it, but I said "No point in talking about that until we get this custody thing resolved."
Before I brought up the custody thing, I talked a bit about how I've observed married people lately, and how I hate seeing bad marriages. I described something I saw recently and she said "I am so sorry for being like that with you." I said "I'm sorry for not appreciating you." I told her "I will not be in a marriage like that again. I'd rather be alone." She agreed.
Then we talked about the custody. I stood my ground and said I wouldn't give up my custody until a court ordered me to. She said "Offer me something." I said we could switch to full alternating weekends (right now it's only Saturday we alternate). She easily gave in. We were flirting like crazy.
She said "Have you thought about what you'll need from me to make this work between us?" I nodded my head. She said "I know. We have a lot of talking to do. I want to tell you one thing now, and I don't want you to respond." I said "Okay." She said "If we end up in court, or if we end up together, I won't be made out to be the villain." I looked a bit puzzled, and she said "I won't be cast as the villain because of the decisions I made while we were separated. Is that possible for you?" I said "We don't need to talk about it now, but I wouldn't be here if I didn't think it was possible." She looked relieved.
Then she said "So what are your ideas?" I said "Let's take boxing lessons together." She laughed and said "Awesome! We can beat the crap out of each other." I smiled and said "That's exactly what I thought. I'll get the schedule and set it up."
Then I said "Now you want to go have some fun?" She said "Yeah!" I brought her to a club to see an awesome funk band. We had a few drinks, danced, and made out all night. She looked smokin'. Truly one of the best times we've ever had together. There was a significant sexual vibe going, but we didn't go there, not yet. There was enough cautious realism between to know not to do that. I didn't in any way feel I was being manipulated. She really was just right. She stood up for herself, but she gave me what I wanted too, and was vulnerable. I think she feels safe with me. Unbelievable.
On the drive back to her car, she said "My lawyer told me I can just withdraw my petition, and that'll be that. I'll talk to him." I said "Let me know how that goes, and if you need me to do anything." When we got to her car we made out for a while, then she got out and drove away.
What a bizarre night. It was all very cool. I feel good. I think we might just make it.
It is IMPERATIVE that you MAINTAIN this same stance with your wife in the days and weeks ahead. I PREDICT THAT SHE IS GOING TO TRY TO TEST YOU in this (legal) area, possibly even using sex as a tack, and you will need to PASS THE TEST.
Don't forget the THINGS YOU DID RIGHT that got you to this point. You can LOSE IT ALL if you go all melty-man now.
Remember, George, this is no time to go all wobbly."
She said "Have you thought about what you'll need from me to make this work between us?" I nodded my head. She said "I know. We have a lot of talking to do. I want to tell you one thing now, and I don't want you to respond." I said "Okay." She said "If we end up in court, or if we end up together, I won't be made out to be the villain." I looked a bit puzzled, and she said "I won't be cast as the villain because of the decisions I made while we were separated. Is that possible for you?" I said "We don't need to talk about it now, but I wouldn't be here if I didn't think it was possible." She looked relieved.
This was a huge, HUGE sub-moment in your exchange, Future. Had you not handled this correctly, in EITHER direction (either leading her to believe that you were going to "lord her affair over her," or by going all unilateral-disarmament and melty-man on her), you would have had a big setback.
You are displaying cautious forgiveness, and giving her HOPE. One of the potential pitfalls of the "tough stance" approach is that, if you don't do it correctly, you can start to portray not strength, but HOPELESSNESS. The formerly-wayward spouse needs to feel like there is HOPE for them if they return to the marriage, that their affair won't be forever lorded over them, and yet simultaneously that you still mean business and are LEADING.
It's a delicate dance to pull off, but you're doing great here.
Just a hunch, but do you have people praying for you right now??
Wow Future! This is going to be interesting watch unfold! I do think that 2 people may be able to get back together as two NEW people after a separation and a time of growth. You've done your growing. Now let's see if she's done hers! I'll keep my fingers crossed!
It is IMPERATIVE that you MAINTAIN this same stance with your wife in the days and weeks ahead. I PREDICT THAT SHE IS GOING TO TRY TO TEST YOU in this (legal) area, possibly even using sex as a tack, and you will need to PASS THE TEST.
Don't forget the THINGS YOU DID RIGHT that got you to this point. You can LOSE IT ALL if you go all melty-man now.
Thanks Puppy. I will. It's so much easier now that I actually have detached. I can't imagine how someone could really do this right while they're still detached. I had some successes last year, but I kept backsliding because I wasn't truly detached yet.
I will be on the lookout for behavior from her that smells like a test. I'll be quick to post here if I feel unsure!
She said "Have you thought about what you'll need from me to make this work between us?" I nodded my head. She said "I know. We have a lot of talking to do. I want to tell you one thing now, and I don't want you to respond." I said "Okay." She said "If we end up in court, or if we end up together, I won't be made out to be the villain." I looked a bit puzzled, and she said "I won't be cast as the villain because of the decisions I made while we were separated. Is that possible for you?" I said "We don't need to talk about it now, but I wouldn't be here if I didn't think it was possible." She looked relieved.
This was a huge, HUGE sub-moment in your exchange, Future. Had you not handled this correctly, in EITHER direction (either leading her to believe that you were going to "lord her affair over her," or by going all unilateral-disarmament and melty-man on her), you would have had a big setback.
You are displaying cautious forgiveness, and giving her HOPE. One of the potential pitfalls of the "tough stance" approach is that, if you don't do it correctly, you can start to portray not strength, but HOPELESSNESS. The formerly-wayward spouse needs to feel like there is HOPE for them if they return to the marriage, that their affair won't be forever lorded over them, and yet simultaneously that you still mean business and are LEADING.
It's a delicate dance to pull off, but you're doing great here.
Just a hunch, but do you have people praying for you right now??
Puppy
It was huge, and it's no coincidence it's the one big thing she made a point to bring up. Walking the line isn't too hard for me right now because I myself am ON the line. As you know full well, I've got powerful emotions about all this, and I'll have to resist unleashing them on her, simply because it won't do any good, and would be contrary to a true desire to reconcile. I have gotten an incredible perspective from watching other situations unfold here over the past year and a half. Regardless of what happens, I hope other people will gain perspective from reading my sitch in the future.
I do wonder how she will react when I tell her what I will need from her. I can't let this go too far before we have that talk.
