Hi I'm new to this site. I have been married for 7 yrs today. I have been seperated from my husband now 11 months. We have a 5yr old son together. I'm 37yrs old and he is 30yrs old. Okay here is my situation are you ready? This is our third seperation and the longest. The first one was initiated by him. He just told me one day that he was leaving. I was shocked and asked him not to. He was gone for three days and then contacted me asking why I never called him to come back. I told him because he was the one that left me. Okay so we got back together after a week in half of him trying to come back home. Several months passed and he wasn't spending any time with me at all. He was going out every weekend. During his vacation time I asked him if we could spend time together. He came over with his friend and I just blew up and told him to go move in with his friend if he was more important than me. Now I recommend that you never talk to your spouse when you are mad because the outcome is never good. Okay he left and was gone for almost two months this time. We reconciled and things between us were getting worse. He kept on going out with his friends and started lying to me about alot of different things. I found out that he had gone to Rhode Island and was there with another woman. Now I was devastated to hear that he had lied to me about where he was and that he was with another woman. I asked him about it and he said that he was at the casino but that he went with his friend not another woman.Okay time passsed and I hardly saw him. I confronted him one sunday afternoon and told him that where was this relationship going? He looked surprised at the question.Anyway I decided that maybe he just wanted to be single again. That he should probably do that. He told me that he didnt want to move out. that he wanted to live here as roommates instead. I told him that if we did that that that is exactly what it was going to be. No him sleeping in the bed with me or having sex anymore. He said okay let's give it a try. One day went by and we were together again. I don't even remember how he decided to move out now after all this time. But he did an it is now 11 months and counting. He recently confessed to me that he was seeing another woman. Which I kind of suspected the entire time we have been seperated. That was 4 days ago. He told me that he wanted to come back home and work on our relationship. I was very happy that he had finally told me the truth. Okay so last night he tells me that he is going to spend a month at his friend's apartment while he is away on vacation. I was like WTF!!! To myself of course. I am doing the 180 approach on how I would normally react to things he does or says now. But now I feel like I did when we first seperated. He plans on staying there to really think things through. He said for me to not lose hope or faith in us. That things are going to be better than ever after the month at his friend's. I am very confused. I don't know what to do next. He told me that he talked to his mom and and the friend that he is staying with now. He said that they will be calling me to talk to me. I told him that I would talk to them but that I really neeed to talk to him too. This is not how I thought we were going to spend our anniversary today. Any suggestions/advice are very much welcomed. Thank you for listening.
Thanks for the suggestions. I have reposted with space in between.
Hi I'm new to this site. I have been married for 7 yrs today. I have been seperated from my husband now 11 months. We have a 5yr old son together. I'm 37yrs old and he is 30yrs old. Okay here is my situation are you ready?
This is our third seperation and the longest. The first one was initiated by him. He just told me one day that he was leaving. I was shocked and asked him not to. He was gone for three days and then contacted me asking why I never called him to come back. I told him because he was the one that left me. Okay so we got back together after a week in half of him trying to come back home.
Several months passed and he wasn't spending any time with me at all. He was going out every weekend. During his vacation time I asked him if we could spend time together. He came over with his friend and I just blew up and told him to go move in with his friend if he was more important than me.
Now I recommend that you never talk to your spouse when you are mad because the outcome is never good. Okay he left and was gone for almost two months this time.
We reconciled and things between us were getting worse. He kept on going out with his friends and started lying to me about alot of different things. I found out that he had gone to Rhode Island and was there with another woman.
Now I was devastated to hear that he had lied to me about where he was and that he was with another woman. I asked him about it and he said that he was at the casino but that he went with his friend not another woman.
Okay time passsed and I hardly saw him. I confronted him one sunday afternoon and told him that where was this relationship going? He looked surprised at the question.
Anyway I decided that maybe he just wanted to be single again. That he should probably do that. He told me that he didnt want to move out. That he wanted to live here as roommates instead. I told him that if we did that that that is exactly what it was going to be. No him sleeping in the bed with me or having sex anymore.
He said okay let's give it a try. One day went by and we were together again. I don't even remember how he decided to move out now after all this time. But he did...
It is now 11 months and counting. He recently confessed to me that he was seeing another woman. Which I kind of suspected the entire time we have been seperated.
That was 4 days ago. He told me that he wanted to come back home and work on our relationship. I was very happy that he had finally told me the truth.
Okay so last night he tells me that he is going to spend a month at his friend's apartment while he is away on vacation. I was like WTF!!! To myself of course. I am doing the 180 approach on how I would normally react to things he does or says now.
But now I feel like I did when we first seperated. He plans on staying there to really think things through. He said for me to not lose hope or faith in us. That things are going to be better than ever after the month at his friend's.
I am very confused. I don't know what to do next. He told me that he talked to his mom and and the friend that he is staying with now. He said that they will be calling me to talk to me. I told him that I would talk to them but that I really neeed to talk to him too.
This is not how I thought we were going to spend our anniversary today. Any suggestions/advice are very much welcomed. Thank you for listening.
He said for me to not lose hope or faith in us. That things are going to be better than ever after the month at his friend's.
Because?????
I understand you are confused and hurting especially on your anniversary. Doing something fun with your son tonite. Start this journey by taking care of yourself.
Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I am spending the night watching movies and playing video games.
I am just not sure what direction to take now that he has done this.
I did tell him about doing the telephone coaching. He agreed to do it.
So that is why I'm confused. He made it seem like he was moving back in this weekend. Now he is staying at a friends. Very confused and hurt and disappointed. Please advice what I should do next. Thanks
Glad you are posting. You found a great place for support. I have been reading and watching here for about 2 years now. I have seen what works and what doesn't.
You have a choice between reacting or responding to him. I strongly suggest responding with guidance from people on this website.
Initially, I would suggest responding to anything he asks with:
"I will need time to think about that. I will get back to you when I have decided."
Ok I see that many people have posted more info on their statuses so here is what I left out.
The first three months of our seperation I was not trying to listen to his begging and pleading and him saying baby, honey etc. I was very sure that he was involved with OW. Plus I wanted him to see the mistakes he was making at the time before our seperation.
I always felt bad whenever I was cold towards him but I thought that was the best way to handle it.
When the fourth month came my mom had told me that if I wanted to get back together with him that I shouldn't treat him that way. That I was only going to push him away from me.
I agreed and started to gradually be more civil towards him. Three more months passed.
We were on better terms. He was visiting more too. During this time we never talked about getting together again. I still felt like he was dating the other woman at the time as well.
During our seperation my mother in law came to visit. She spent two days with me and I opened up to her about how much I missed her son. How I truly love him. How he was the only man for me etc.
Shortly after that my husband came to me and wanted to talk. This is the eighth month of seperation now.
We sat down and really talked. He did most of the talking. I just listened. Once he said that he missed me and wanted to come back home. I was so happy. He asked me why I was so mean to him during that time at the beginning. I told him that I was hurt that he decided to leave again instead of trying to work things out. That I was hurt that he was with another woman during this time as well. He denied the affair during this conversation.
From that day things looked very promising. He was coming over everyday. He called me and was happy and paid many compliments to me. He was spending more time with our son too.
After a month in a half of these wonderful times, things slowed down. I immediately felt like he got back with the OW. Another month went by and he was pulling further away from me.
By this time I had read DR and was using all of the steps accordingly. I was working on myself. I wasn't talking about our relationship. I was doing the 180. My husband noticed a change. He asked me why I was so calm. That if I was feeling okay. I laughed.
Now when we first got together I was very attentive to my husband. I cooked for him everyday. I always kept a clean home. I did his laundry. He would wash dishes and take out the trash.
We would spend every evening watching TV together, talking etc.
So I was behaving like I did when we first met. I'm normally very down to earth and pulled together. But after all of the things that we have been through it was harder and harder to keep my frustrations under control.
Okay so this month is when he dropped the two bombs. The OW bomb and him staying at a friend's.
When he told me about the OW I was devastated. But I let him talk to me and just listened. Once he was done I did ask him questions about the affair. He answered them with no problem. He even started talking about bringing his clothes up to our apartment.
He went to NY to help a friend move. It was suppose to be for one day and right back. He ended up staying the weekend. He called me and told me that he was staying. I was upset but I didn't let him know since this is what I would've done before.
I sensed something was off with him when we spoke. I found out yesterday that he had gone by the OW house to get the rest of his things that he had left there.
He said that she wasn't there. That her cousin let him in and she let him take his clothes etc..
I feel that she was there and that maybe he felt sorry for her. He told me that she use to threaten to kill herself if he left her. That she would call me up and tell me everything(affair). He snuck out of the house with the clothes on his back. He told me that they had had a huge fight. She didn't want him talking to me at all.
My question for all of you is should I keep on being nice to him? Should I talk to him about our relationship? Is it okay to talk to him about him spending more time with our son while he is staying at the friend's? So you think he is back with the OW?
I really need some guidance here. Please be specific. If you need more info just say so. Thank You.
