Naej, Last night at the dance venue, the young man passed me and said hello as if nothing had changed. I raised my hand to wave to him, out of courtesy, but didn't pursue it any farther. I get the sense that he will continue to interact with my W and I in public as if nothing has happened.
While I was dancing with a lady, I noticed we were dancing next to him. She asked me if I would accompany her back to her seat. She said that the young fellow had started to get into a scuffle last week with her male friend. I didn't ask what the problem was, but I'm guessing he might have done or said something inappropriate.
In the past, he's always had an eerie aloof manner about him. He talks to you, but you never get the sense you're getting to know him. He seems like a young (30's) party guy.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
CL, you owe this person no courtesy, gosh I had no idea he was 20 years younger than your wife, besides having a thing for older women he obviously has a lot of problems but none of them are yours unless he intrudes on your marriage again. If the email thing works for you that's fine but always be on the look out for face to face verbals after all hopefully there will come a time when you are both face to face and an email just will NOT do. Never underestimate the power of the human voice or touch.
Matilda, Naej, and DB Friends, Our dance instructor invited my W and I to join their existing Tango dance formation team. He noted that my W and I were the most rehearsed couple in the Hustle group. My W said yes immediately, so now we're back to reviewing video, having weeknight practices, and weekend private lessons. The Tango group will be performing in Florida at a dance convention. My W also committed us to that. We will continue with the Hustle group. My W says that she likes her "new life," referring to the commitment to the dance performance teams, and my willingness to be involved with it.
My sheep dog injured a salivary gland and will likely need surgery. He is not responding to medication. He has an appointment with a specialist on Friday. My W has done an excellent job being involved in his care, and concerned for his welfare. She administers medication, on a daily basis, and prepares special food to reward him for taking the medication well.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Naej, Matilda, Doc, Jak, and DB Friends, While walking into the grocery store after our dance lesson, my W put her arm into mine.
We've been eating some meals together at the dining room table.
I did snap at her the night before I took my dog to the vet hospital. She was trying to get me to put the hospital's phone number into my cell phone. I resisted, as I was tired. She insisted on an apology, and got one. She has become less tolerant of poor behavior from me.
She will find out today whether or not her agency will receive grant funding so that she can continue her part-time position.
The Tango dance choreography will be challenging. It looks like something from Dancing With the Stars. It has my W and I circling each other from a distance, being quite expressive. This is going to be a fun stretch. The inhibitions will have to go.
She is taking increased interest in the appearance of the home. She and her mother have slowly been removing clutter. She bought a contemporary bedspread for the guest room. She wants me take initiative in taking out the trash, sweeping and mopping, soaking and stacking dirty dishes, and other household maintenance chores. She wants to be able to invite guests over.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Matilda, I continue to read "Boundaries in Marriage" by Henry Cloud. He describes many of the marriages on this board, and gives permission to continue to work with a marriage, even when there are serious problems, or the spouse is difficult to work with. I've learned the importance of speaking-up around difficult topics, and that I have the freedom to respond when my W behaves poorly or is acting selfishly (not too much lately). My W wanted to quit the Hustle performance team. I told her that it wasn't fair to me ask me to commit to a team, and have her abruptly quit midstream. That comment got her attention, as she values my partnership, and wants to keep me happy as a dance partner. She retracted her statement.
I agreed to join a health facility that is twice as much as the one we belong to now, but is less than ten minutes where we live. My W seems motivated to work on her health and fitness, and would like me to partner with her. The primary incentive for her is the pool. It's a monthly commitment, so if the membership becomes inactive, I will address it with her at that time. I want to give her the opportunity to work on her health in a place she is comfortable in. The members there are mostly middle-age to older, as it's affiliated with a hospital, so it's a better fit for us than a family-oriented or high performance oriented place.
We continue to work on our Tango performance. The teacher told me that I dance too "small" and need to have a better frame and expand my body. He told my W that she is too scattered and needs to work on tone (consistent attention to the body). My W has a good rapport with this teacher, so listens to his feedback.
My W will become unemployed starting in July. She still has the cooking part-time job. There will be enough to pay the bills, but disposable income will be a problem. We haven't discussed a budget yet. I've decided to not dwell on it, or allow the stress to infiltrate the M. As long as she's looking for work, we'll manage the money as best we can, until she brings in some additional income.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
CL, I am very interested in the book on boundaries you mention. Do you recommend it? I have read TONS of R-type books but my main problem I think boils down to my H constantly testing my boundaries. Are there personality-types that do this more than others? He just is after me CONSTANTLY and it is tough to "stick to my guns". If I do, he claims to feel disrespected.
How is the dancing this week? Hopefully the loss of income won't put an additional stress on you! I think you already have another vacation to Puerto Rico planned, but can't recall when. Sounds like you are trying to speak up when you need to....good job!
Matilda, The dancing continues to go well. We took a Latin Dip class that involved leading my W into sexy and graceful dips. She was quite impressed with me. Once I knew what to do, it wasn't difficult. Tango is helping me to express myself in ways I normally don't.
My W is emotional about her job loss. I'm giving her some latitiude around this issue, but will talk honestly about money when the need arises.
We're taking a dance vacation in late September with members of our studio. She mentioned to me that she wanted to take a trip with other people. She doesn't get enough social needs met when it's the two of us. I didn't voice any objection when she told the instructors that we would join them for the trip. My W was also suggesting a Puerto Rico trip, which I'm not on board with yet. I'll let her look into it, but wonder how it will be paid for. I've learned that it's best to let my W percolate her ideas, rather than try to control them.
She and I went to our second yoga class this past week. My W loves the yoga teacher, who has a calming, gentle approach. We also plan on attending Pilates. My W has noticed an increase in tone in just one week of exercise. I'm going to look into swim lessons as I've never been able learn how to tread water or float.
I'm hoping the addition of the fitness club, and our involvement with the dance studio will help us both manage the unemployment stressor.
I'm back to reading and learning the craft of writing poetry. This is my private hobby separate from my wife. I also go to ballroom venues without my W. She doesn't have an issue with this, and doesn't want to keep me from it, just because she doesn't want to go.
CL
Last edited by Concerned_Listener; 06/16/1007:16 PM.
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
