Please help - feeling so desperate - need advice

[fudwoman]

Ok Ok - did not mean to set off a fire storm. A crazy day - my S7 had an evaluation today and we just got back from that so I haven't been on.

Let's see if I can try to address all of the pieces. First - it is true whoever mentioned this (Bridge I think) that when I wrote that piece last night I was taking a time out for myself (actually suggested by H) so that I wouldn't spew out at my family and I didn't. Second this morning I saw my IC and that was extremely helpful to me. I was able to gain back my PMA which had taken a hike.

Bridgestone - the victim stuff was right on the money. I am starting to see how my interpretation of events was totally skewing my view and setting me up to have an angry response.

What my IC helped me see
1) My victim stuff was coming out big time
2) Even though my H would like to believe we are in a 'holding pattern' we are not - things are changing and mostly for the better
3) The reason H doesn't want to do anything proactive FOR our relationship is likely because he is afraid of being hurt again - this was the most important because it got me back in touch with my compassion for him (nod to PEI)
4) I am in control of what I am doing for me - can't control my H but he is not in control of everything
5) H and I are dealing with our 'crisis' in totally different ways and that's ok - there's room for that

We did actually have a good talk last night - I told him all of the things I felt hurt about (too much to write about but basically there were several instances where he cut off communication with me yesterday somewhat unknowingly - and beyond that it was just a bad night with three challenging kids acting out) and we talked about the way I was misinterpreting his actions based on my own perspective. He said he'd try to be more sensitive because he didn't want to hurt me. I said I wanted to understand his perspective not so that he could change but so that I could change and not act from a place of being hurt. Overall it was a positive interaction.

Sidenotes:
Know the Seligman stuff well Coach - thanks for that.
Steve - love the Dalai Lama and need constant reminders about compassion so thanks for that
Lotus - I guess you have initiated me with a 2 x 4 so thanks for that (still stings though)

In sum - I guess it was one of those life tests - last night I told my H I give myself a B- for the night but looking back on it today I think I actually did better than that.

Thanks for the input you each brought to me.

A

[PEI]

Kudos to you!

PEI

[dburt]

2x4's for me were and are the most important messages I get here. If you are looking for support, you will find that also, but please take these criticisms and analyze them, as these are the most truthful statements that will help you get perspective and initiate change for the better.

I personally see you trying waaay too hard, stop talking about the R sooo much. You wear your feelings on your sleave, I get that, but remember acting out or getting hurt because your husband is not acting the way you want to right now is not going to achieve your ultimate goals. 2x4 applied.

Burt

[fudwoman]

Hey dburt,
Well I'm not sure we're talking about our relationship as much as you think we are but I will say that I'm way too invested in what's going on with him. So I'm trying to figure out some ways to stop that and I'd like to know what you all think.

First a bit of an update about the weekend - my friend from Chicago came in who I haven't seen in years. She knows the situation and so it was interesting to get her perspective. We all hung out and had a great time. She finds it so strange that it seems as though we get along swimmingly and yet she knows that the threat of everything falling apart is just hanging there in mid-air. It was nice to have some support while she was here but I didn't say that much about our situation as she's been somewhat judgmental in the past. Basically she thinks I need to give him an ultimatum to go to therapy or it's over but obviously I'm not going to do that. In any case, it was very hard for me when she left and H saw me crying at the airport. I have no family and feel really alone right now.

So fast forward to my plan - H as you might recall just wants to watch movies and TV with me. I think I need to stop waiting like a thirsty puppy for him to give me drops of water (i.e., talk to me when the commercials are on) so I want to get out of the house at night. While I know in some respects it's great that he doesn't want to move out it also makes it very challenging to GAL in some ways. I already go to a meditation group on Wednesdays that requires I leave the house before the kids go to bed. I don't want to do that too much because then I miss being with my kids (I work all day). So really I need an activity from about 8 - 10pm at night. Hard to find. I did look at Meetup and have some ideas. I could also go to an exercise class or something like that. I would like to be out on Tuesdays and Thursdays if possible. Monday I teach a course online and he has hockey so that's out.

My questions are:
1) Does it sound like a good idea to get out of the house or am I running away?
2) How many nights a week should I be out?
3) Does anyone have any ideas of what I might do between 8 and 10pm on a week night?
4) What should I say to him about where I'm going?

Any input would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
A

[fudwoman]

Ok - bumping this because I'd really like some input!

[newmama]

While I know in some respects it's great that he doesn't want to move out it also makes it very challenging to GAL in some ways. I already go to a meditation group on Wednesdays that requires I leave the house before the kids go to bed. I don't want to do that too much because then I miss being with my kids (I work all day). So really I need an activity from about 8 - 10pm at night. Hard to find. I did look at Meetup and have some ideas. I could also go to an exercise class or something like that. I would like to be out on Tuesdays and Thursdays if possible. Monday I teach a course online and he has hockey so that's out.

My questions are:
1) Does it sound like a good idea to get out of the house or am I running away?
2) How many nights a week should I be out?
3) Does anyone have any ideas of what I might do between 8 and 10pm on a week night?
4) What should I say to him about where I'm going?

Hi, Fudwoman! I just caught up on your thread. Ok, first, your instincts are telling you that you need to get away from him and this actually can be good because it is a 180, correct? So it looks like you plan to not be around him Mon- Thurs nights from 8-10? Going out is good- it helps him to miss you, it helps your self esteem, it helps you to look mysterious.

About how often to be out. I am curious to see what others think, but I think if you were home one weeknight with him, it would give him the opportunity to realize how much he missed you when you were out the other nights. It would let you two talk if he wanted to bring something up.

Now about where you are going. You can start by saying something like "a class" and let him ask you what kind of class. But some nights you might just be going to meet up with some friends (i.e. meetup.com) and again, it is ideal if he asks you. So you say "ok, I'm going out and I will be back later tonight!" and he will ask and then you say "oh, just meeting up with some friends. Gotta run!"

About what to do 8-10 p.m. I joined meetup but sometimes didn't have something to do so I just went alone to a coffee shop and read a book, or went to the bookstore, got a glass of wine at a nearby pub, went to see a movie (did that a lot!), went for walks while talking on the phone, had a belly dancing class (but it ended by 9 usually)...

[fudwoman]

Thanks newmama. I am going to try the bookstore thing and coffee as well. I'm not sure about a movie because those usually happen at 7 or 9 for some reason.

Any additional suggestions or input would be greatly appreciated!!!

A

[lees]

Don't know about near you, but the gym and swimming pools are open till 10pm round here.

[fudwoman]

Thanks Lees,
Is it awful to say I don't want to go to the gym! AH well I might give it a shot anyway but it's not my favorite thing to do. I guess it beats staying home though.

[lees]

I never want to go either. But strangely afterwards I feel good about it

Perhaps there will be a class there, or you could have a personal trainer session. If all else fails, I find it another place to watch the television!