A friend generously gave me all of her chic baby layette and clothing and bouncy chairs and everything!!! She called several weeks ago and said she was ready to part ways with these amazing cotton onsies and pajamas... winter coats, shoes! this little guy will be dressed better than I will be. Such beautiful boutique clothing... so precious... everything is so tiny!!!
H was excited when i told him several weeks ago. He knew I was going to pick up the things yesterday and sent me a text asking what she gave the baby and then said he wanted to com eby and help me sort and look through the stuff... he did... it was ok. pleasant and friendly.
I do notice when I have no expectations, when I am non-threatening, when I am not mentioning R talk, H wants to come around. If I get emotional or angry or cry, H just gets withdrawn and also says he knows i am hurt and that i am hormonal (ugghhh) and then avoids confrontation with me.
Anyways, back to the friend. She is truly beautiful, inside and out... expecting a 3 baby in the fall. We havent really talked about my sitch, as we are not really close... i know sounds strange right.
but we sat down and talked while her H carried lots of boxes to my car, and filled every seat and trunk!. She asked about my H and what was going on, i answered briefly and to the point and she listened. When I was done she said 4 years ago, when she moved across country for her H's work, left all her family and friends and career behind, her H wanted to start a family. She got pregnant right away and they were both ecstatic. Right when they were ready to announce the pregnancy to family and friends, her H dropped the bomb on her. Said ILYBINILWY and that he was leaving. I was in such shock, jaw dropped to the floor, she literally said, you can close your mouth now. I didnt even ask questions, did he leave? what happened?
All i got out of it was that it went on for 5-6 months, she felt completely blindsighted and was shocked and devastated. she gave up her entire life and was now pregnant with his child and felt like he took her happy time away from her. She never told her family as they lived across country and she didnt want them to know just in case...
she said he came around towards the end of her pregnancy, and noticed he wanted to be in her life, she didnt quite get it, but had nothing to lose.
Now over 4 years later she said they still continue to go to MC, and she IC.
i asked how did you get past the pain... how did you forgive... how are things now... do you ever get scared?
She basically said, the easy part is to fall back in love and want that person in your life bc despite what happened they ultimately are the same person you fell in love with. Said counseling helped her so much. That what worked for her is that they worked through every problem or situation as it arised. No expectations, tried to be the person he once fell in love with, and he came around slowly but surely. She also said she was so crushed that she felt like there is no way this is going to work out I need to get strong and move on and raise the baby alone and just leave him too.
Said she still has moments where she gets scared, like when buying a new home, or a new baby or new car or anything... a thought will pop into her head and she will think is he going to leave now? or tomorrow? or after we just had an argument? She seemed so at ease... so calm... went on to mention how common it is for men to go through this during a women's pregnany, and strongly made a point of saying, I dont want you to get your hopes high, just wanted to tell you i understand and it can work out for you too... so just work on you.
Hi BD!! I missed you! I am responding to your post about the graduation...well it does sound like your H was being sincere about the overflow ticket. Thank goodness it was for a decent reason!
I really really want your situation to keep improving and am rooting for you! The odds are looking pretty good, Babydoll!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Wow- I can't believe you met ANOTHER person who has gone through this and had a successful outcome (like the woman at the funeral)! Thank you for posting these stories. Maybe when I open up one day to people I will hear some, too!
Quote:
No expectations, tried to be the person he once fell in love with, and he came around slowly but surely. She also said she was so crushed that she felt like there is no way this is going to work out I need to get strong and move on and raise the baby alone and just leave him too.
I bolded the last part because it is what MWD kind of advocates yet it conflicts with positive thinking....She says to strengthen yourself, become independent and interesting again (through GAL and 180s). But with positive thinking/the Secret, you aren't supposed to prepare for the worst, right??? I get confused.
What are your thoughts, BD?
And about your H telling you he doesn't want pressure...better listen I guess. Can you handle keeping no expectations? Does that conflict with the Secret?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I told my mom and sister about what this friend said to me and she responsed with its amazing how people open up with their dark secret when they know someone else is going through it. Almost like a secret society! But it shouldnt be. WHEN (the secret) I do get through this, I want to be of support to others... One other thing... mom's response was, why everytime you try to forget and move on, someone else comes to you with their success story! hahaha! she is really hoping H comes to his senses!
Maybe this is the secret at its best, maybe I am attracting this... hmmm.
I have another story too! My best friend, yes... best friend, had her H drop the bomb a month before she delivered. He told he he didnt love her, moved into the back room and they basically were separated! I can not believe she didnt say anything!!!! No one knows til this day and that was over a year ago. When the baby came, they started to work things out. Not sure what her sitch is now, as they have extremely complicated work schedules and i know this doesnt help their alone time especially with New Baby.
I did recommend she reads DB and DR and told her a lot of key points.
NM, you are correct! You, I, we are not supposed to prepare for the worst! We are supposed to plan and move forward, nothing wrong with getting strong for our own sake.
MWD does tell us that GAL and 180s have NOTHING to do with our WAS, but everything to do with us. Getting stronger and getting a life doesnt conflict with us wanting or wishing our Hs back into our lives. In fact i see it going hand in hand, i just cant seem to explain it well.
GAL forces us to become more positive, more attractive, more kind and gentile and to focus on what will bring out the best in us, the secret also believes that in doing so we are then able to attract goodness and love into our lives...
There is a part in the secret, and i know I am about to botch it with my explanation, but they say things like, today, drive down a different road on your way to work, or do something differently, as it changes the channels of energies and can bring positive feedback to you... just like a 180?
For example, you GAL and going to happy hour.... you get dressed up, you are happy and positive and I am sure your H notices and sees this... this attracts your H to you... so really they are all telling you the same thing...
Some things I think the secret would suggest...
-no more talk of D, whether good or bad -create a home/environment for H to feel welcom and come back home to -positive thinking brings positive energies brings positive actions -when it rains it pours right... thats because we are in such a negative state we attract one bad luck day after another...
when and if you do read TS, dont take it too literal... have fun with it.
I think you should read the book... lol! i suck at explaning!
I am trying to handle no expectations... i told H in all of this, I am still hurtful with words and H still does not commincate his feelings... two killers in our M. When we talked about this he began opening up... kind of sweet. told him his silence of wanting to calm me bc i am pg is more hurtful than if he would just communicate and be honest w me even if the truth hurts.
obviously he is telling me NO PRESSURE and one day at a time... So i have to jut trust the process...
Your H sounds like he's in a good place, really. If my WH said something like that-- let's be a family and take it one day at a time-- I think I totally would! Well, at least if he said it like your H did.
And it is great that you have met women going through such similar things. I especially like the pregnancy story. I can't believe she didn't tell her family. Seriously, that would be so hard. But it seemed to work out for her in the end!
H was awfully friendly yesterday. Helped with the final maintenance of the car yesterday to get it ready for baby!
H called several times, and sent texts throught the day. I let him lead. I delayed replies.
H stopped over last night to pick up pants for today, stayed around for almost 45minutes just to talk.
MIL called last night to say how happy and excited she was that I was going to be there at the graduation and that H was too!
Drove with IL's to the graduation.
H was really happy. and said thank you for coming and how he was happy his son was at the graduation too.
found out that H scan and made his own ticket because he really wanted me there and when i asked him he said i just wanted to there and had to find a way.
Went to lunch with IL's and SIL and H. Very normal. H was very comfortable and happy and things were like they wouldve been a year ago, minus the affection/kisses. But the caring was there. He would look into my eyes when we talked, there where times i realized at a table of 5, felt like we were alone
H said wish your mom wouldve come to lunch with us. He was so happy they were genuinly happy for him. Amazing i never expected this from my family, yes they have great hearts but wow!
h would touch my stomach and talk to baby. introduced me by name and would say this is WIFE and they would reply, oh yes, heard so much about you. COngratulations on the baby. Or hi how are you... no one looked shocked to see me.
Mother and sister were at grad for BIL and we all sat togetehr. IL's and mom were so happy. H and BIL were taking pix together and felt like old times... one big happy family!
H asked to take pix with me... sigh
Sister invited H over to her house for small family celebration tonight for BIL, H accepted. We are also going together to birthing classes after that.
my whole family will be at sister's tonight and they love H. H is excited to see them. sigh.
Mom comes us to me during ceremony and says "i have amnesia... i dont remember anything the past few months except that I love H like a son." i said my heart feels the same way... not as a son of course.
Gotta Run! going to sister's meeting H there and then birthing classes!
Will keep you posted!
BTW. I was very comfortable and happy and had ZERO expectations. Learning to enjoy the moment and not think about tomorrow!
Good job keeping your emotions in check...I hope you made it through the birthing classes in the same manner- with zero expectations and was comfortable and happy!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
H came to sister's house for BIL celebration. my family was so happy to see him and he was happy to see them. The kids all flocked to him and every acted like the past 4 months never existed. It was nice.
Birthing Classes went really well. We toured the hospital and learned a lot! I was excited when i left... H was too! Made a lot of 'we' references... we need to get the house ready, we need to pack our bag for the hospital, we we we we we!
He thanked me sincerely for being at the graduation and that he had a great day... next morning recieved a text saying the same...
then followed with calls asking if i would like his help this weekend to go look for paint and furniture and to pack up the things that are now in the baby room! No more of the I will go or you go and look and tell me what you like, now its WE CAN GO TO XYZ...
Called on his way home last night and said he had swatchesin his car to drop off and stayed for an hour... made himself comfy and just wanted to be there. We laugh a lot and just get a long sooooooo well.
I feel like this is 12 years ago, and he is trying to figure out his feelings for me. Calls and texts throught the day to see if I am ok, or just to say something or to ask if I am ok in the heat! Its nice to see missed calls on my phone from H and I dont answer right away or reply to all texts. Also still keeping things a bit mysterious and acting cool and confident.
I miss him when he leaves... I miss reaching out and holding his hand or him reaching out to hold mine. Weeks ago, he would sit across the other sofa and no contact of skin. Now if we are sitting next to one another in B Class, and he leans on me, or a hand grazes mine, he doesnt seem to react. He seems a lot more confortable around me.
When i saw him after graduation the other day, he welcomed me with open arms and we hugged... a Huge hug! It was so nice... i felt whole. happiest i had been in a long long time.
Feel like now he makes an exuse to come over and see me. Its nice.
