Running out of time.

[Cie la vie]

I would do whatever you can to get out and meet some people...

I know I need to be a little more proactive on this. For whatever reason I don't have a great sense of urgency on this yet. I guess in time.

My galing has been a bit weak over the last month but I plan on getting it recharged this week.

As I was responding to your last post my W (I hate the term X) hit me with an email. She is wondering when I plan on cutting her a check for taxes and other expenses. I had to inform her that I simply do not have the funds to pay off my share of the tax nut that she already paid in full.

I suspect she will have some heartburn over that. I haven't seen a response as of yet.

Keep doing what is working for you DW. Lets keep in touch.

[Cie la vie]

This week was actually a little interesting in my sitch.

The mother of my children got a little testy in a couple of emails to me and than quickly changed her tune.

She emailed me Monday and started off by updating me on the health of the children. Both but primarily my son has been fighting a chest cold/hack. She gave me the udpate and than shifted to asking when I would be sending her a check for the list of expenses she sent me.

I respond to any email she sends with a minimum of words (zero fluff). I told her I do not have the funds to pay her my portion of the taxes. This is the truth, I am operating in the red monthly. She didn't like this. She proceeded to tell me how she held up her end of the agreement by taking care of the taxes and paying them. She paid without any discussions with me and I was surprised. I told her she made that decision without involving me at all. Case closed. I have every intention of paying her but I can't give her what I don't have but will when the house sells.

She went off on how she has overextended herself by paying the taxes and that being paid back when the house is sold is fine but "you haven't listed it". I responded with..

"You've overextended both of us with your decisions. We are now both in the midst of the problems that come with those decisions. Paying nannies full time while you were unemployed for eight (8) months cost us in excess of $23,000.00. That was a decision you made unilaterally". In the same email she said the following and I responded. Here it is.

HER "If you had communicated this to me, I would not have covered the taxes".
ME "You paid the full amount without any prior discussion with me".

She also apparently feels that I am not communicating properly.
HER "I would also appreciate it if you can communicate more effectively with me, i.e.; notify me before our friends of your trip with our children ( I am aware that you are in keeping with the agreement because we said two weeks prior for in state but the fact that you told our friends and I found out through our nannies and not you and I had to ask you for verification before you made me aware of thismeans you could've brought me into the loop as well and you chose not to communicate it), notify me prior to my paying our taxes that you cannot reimburse me for the money I have paid on your behalf, notify me before the deadline of our agreement for the house getting listed before the deadline comes and passes that you haven't listed it. Again, I had to ask"

ME "I don't agree with your characterization of my supposed lack of communication. Simply because the Nannies were aware of my vacation plans because I had just made them does not demonstrate a lack of communication. The same holds true with timing of my email exchange with MUTUAL FRIEND. You are making a mountain out of a mole hill".

And the final exchange.

HER "I just need clear communication and the respect I am giving you by delivering that communication in a timely manner.
ME "And you are getting it. The fact that the nannies and MUTUAL FRIEND were aware of my vacation plans a day before you is not an example of any lack of respect or communication. Yes, the house has not been listed yet but it will be and you will get your money. I didn't ask to be put in this position it just comes with the territory".

Anyway, she didn't respond to this email directly and when she did respond all the venom was gone. I'm not interested in having these kinds of negative exchanges as they end up requiring more communication with her than I would like to have. However, my very brief and concise (no "how you doing" and "I did this with the kids...") responses to her emails is clear bothering her. TFB!

After this email exchange she followed up later with an email informing me that she was considering taking the kids to ".......land" over the Memorial weekend and wanted to know if I wanted to join them. WTF? I responded with "I have plans".

It's interesting that she wants to take the kids to such a park the weekend before my scheduled vacation with the kids. Sounds to me like someone is competing with me now on kid functions and is lookng to water down my week with the kids.

The emails have stopped for now.

By the way I did pay her a portion of the my tax nut and will continue to do so until either it is completely paid or the house sells and I can lump sum her.

Looking forward to my weekend with kids. Everyone have a great weekend.

[dwinter82]

Nice work.

She has introduced the kids to the OM, right? Why is he not going with her during Memorial weekend? Trouble in paradise...

[Cie la vie]

She has introduced the kids to the OM, right?

No officially but I believe she has covertly. Can't prove it however.

Why is he not going with her during Memorial weekend?

For all I know she pinged me with and invite to see if I had plans already and since I don't she may take that as an opportunity to bring him along. All speculation however.

Trouble in paradise...

That would be nice but don't think so. I'm not sure what is prompting all this engaging behavior but I'm not looking at it as a positive. She might just be feeling settled in and now wants to try and be my friend. No thanks.

Had the kids this weekend but both of them have been fighting a chest cold and now I have it. It is handing me my ass. Not good with my boss in town from NY. Gotta deal with it. Would love to be home in bed trying to get some rest.

Anything new on your front?

[ClingingToHope]

Good response on the invitation. I'm getting to the point where I care less and less what STBXW does with the kids when she has them.

I'm on a strict budget, which cuts down on the fun a bit, but I budget in at least one fun thing a weekend and one restaurant trip.

Maybe STBXW is doing more. Who knows. I know that as time goes on I'll be building wealth and be able to do more and more.

The best revenge is a life well lived.

[Cie la vie]

CTH,

I'm getting to the point where I care less and less what STBXW does with the kids when she has them.

It is unfortunate but for my own well being I limit my contact with XW as much as possible. I get the impression she doesn't like it. If it wasn't for the kids I would have zero contact with her.

I'm not concerned with my fun budget right now I need to get loose ends cleaned up in this mess and find a new place to live, get settled in and start living my life. This will all happen in time.

Sounds like you are in a reasonably good place,keep up the good work.

[Cie la vie]

Well my STBX continues to fire emails off at me. The latest was to inquire about why my son's eye was black and blue. My initial thought was she was being accusatorial. I responded with "I don't know he didn't have a black eye when I left to work". I can see where this is going.

She asked AGAIN if I would like to be included on big things like going to Dland etc. with her and the kids.

I responded by saying under different circumstances I would love to to take part in their excitement and joy but we are no longer a family and I don't feel it is fair to them to pretend that we are. I continued with telling her I envisioned being together as a group only at major events in their lives such as HS and college graduations and when they marry.

I wonder what DB experts would have to say about my recent decisions because to be honest I am now operating on instinct and reason as opposed to any DB script.

[LauraOh]

Trying something different and monitering results is definitely DBing.

See what happens with that. Take care of you in the meantime.

[Cie la vie]

Hi Laura,

I'm fresh out of different things to try. My only recourse at this point seems to be to continue to complete the detachment process and move on with my life and let her live hers.

Hopefully one day she will realize how poorly she has treated me regardless of what her initial rationalization process was. Somehow I get the impression that day will never arrive. Maybe the trauma that is certain to befell our children as a result of her decisions will come home to roost for her.

She casually discarded a relationship/marriage that exceed 22 years and involved young twins with a cold callousness that is still shocking to me. Yet she now is playing nice nice with me as if everything should be cool.


There is plenty more of taking care of me that I need to work on. Thanks for the reminder.

[LauraOh]

Sometimes, that "dropping the rope" attitude is exactly what is needed.

If you have done most everything else, this is a perfectly good goal--to drop the rope and move on. You may find her attitude shifting.

If you have dillegently made changes, been better, improved yourself, improved your Rs in other areas, and she STILL isn't interested, then...

Some people hang on for a lot longer. I don't think that is good for them. Makes them bitter and angry.

What would make you less bitter and angry? It's for you.