The year of not my problem

[AJM]

Mila, I don't think that's the case. Men are certainly wired differently, but not in that respect I think. I think it is more of the LBS who was surprised that their spouse, whom they trusted and loved deeply, left.
In my case it was several years. Even before I got the bomb.

But enough is enough. For men or women. There comes a point when the leaving spouse has killed the marriage and left. Some of us are slow to catch up however I think that's normal as well.

What makes it hard is the back and forth and the "postcards" from the other side. You cling to hope even if that's not healthy because you believe. You feel. You love. You are willing to work it out.

Eventually, you can't hold on any longer and it is time to acknowledge and move on. For some that takes longer than others. To realize that it's not you, it's them in many cases.

"it just doesn't matter" in some cases. To know, you have to go through the whole thing though. No shortcuts. No way to know you are done, until, well, you are done. If you can't say that to yourself, then keep going. If you can, then go the other direction

AJ

[Mila]

AJ - thank you for your thoughts on this...it's good for me to hear your perspective - What make is hard for me is the back and forth. Each time I seem to have couple of months to work on detachment and then H pulls me back in with another false R. And them I'm starting all over again. I guess I have to come to a point when I say enough is enough. I have been with him for 36 years...all of my adult life. That probably makes it more difficult...there is definitely some co-dependency that I have to work on.

As you said I will know when it's time....

[AJM]

36 years - co dependent? Maybe. A habit as well. A commitment you made and value? Most likely.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You are doing quite well believe it or not. Time to focus more on you though. You can't stop him, you can't help him, and you can't control him. Repeat that until it feels like you know that so you don't go crazy

AJ

[Mila]

Thanks AJ

[AJM]

Journaling:
I've been back and forth on a few things lately. I see that now. Reading other people's things helps. I realize it's over and I'm moving past her. I realize that she was hurt the other day when I called her by her given name instead of the pet name I always had. I didn't do it for that reason, but I did realize it would send a clear signal. I'm not insensitive. I'm still working through anger though. I know that. I can see it as if from a distance. I am starting to forget incidents that occurred. Details of them actually. I realized that the other day. I'm no longer bothered by things she does, but I do notice. I do still talk about her too much to friends, but there is much more "I" statements and I'm starting to actually have times with friends where we talk about other things and I like that. The anger is no longer all the time either. I like that too. The sadness only comes and goes as well. Seems to be going further away. I'm sure it'll all come back a final time at least, but I'm finally getting away from the pain and i like that.

AJ

[AJM]

Journaling:
I met a woman at the gym yesterday. Linda. She is a talker! She talked my ears off for a while, and believe me, if you knew me you would know that's no small feat
We talked about all kinds of things, but then she found out I'm a former Marine. She started talking about her exH. How she left him. I pointed a few things out, and she got a really odd look on her face. She later told me she thought I was right and that exH was right at the time. I found that fascinating. It was 22 years later for her. She still wasn't done....
Spoke to a friend last night. We talked about the guilt/anger cycle. What hell that must be for somebody going through that. Glad that's no me and that I'm working very hard to get rid of the anger. I do NOT want to carry that with me. I have no guilt in this - I've made my peace with who I am a long time ago. I like me, and I realize now that much of what I was going through was getting her out of my head. She got in there many many times. Almost did the other day as well. But I'm building up antibodies to her and can more successfully keep her crazy out of my head. I see a lot of the craziness as being the outward manifestation of that guilt/anger cycle. Looking back a lot of it has been exactly that.
Funny thing is, it has not been anything that I did. Well, I guess being nice and trying to make things work no matter what, even though there were boundaries, may have taken a toll on her. By not getting angry (showing it) at her, I didn't give her an outlet nor an excuse to be angry. That led to more guilt and her searching harder to find "something" even if she had to make it up. Bizarre to my thinking, but I suspect it all makes perfect sense to her somehow. She knows, somewhere inside. But that no longer matters to me. To her, it stopped mattering a long time ago. Last summer if I had to guess. I do have to guess because that is one of those things I'll never know.

Anyway, been a good weekend so far. Monster is out of town and it's just me and the kids. Relaxing. I realize I can't relax around her because I have to be on my guard to keep her out of my head. Like watching old episodes of Star Trek when they land on a planet with aliens that look like people and they find out 20 minutes in that the people are actually trying to get in their heads. I think in this episode I'm the unknown guy with the red shirt that gets it before the science officer figures it out and stops everything in the nick of time.

Later,
AJ

[AJM]

Journaling:
Had a great relaxing weekend. WAS was out of town for most of it. Ended the weekend seeing the confirmands I worked with all year have their ceremony. Was great to see.
Something that was said to me last Christmas by Matt, the old running buddy came to mind today. Not sure why. He told me how my wife reminded him of how his was previously. What's odd is that mind is acting now exactly like his was when I met her. Going out of her way to be mean and nasty and "prove" how bad I am. Weird to some degree, but it came to mind. I dismissed her meanness and kept moving, but it struck me and I had to get it out of my system and into my online journal. Basically she asked if I had gotten any money from a vehicle I sold. I told her some of it. She smiled (like a dog about to bite) and asked if I had signed it over yet. I told her yes. She said, "so you gave up your leverage?" as if she had just beaten me at monopoly or something. I didn't lose it though - I just told her I work with the guy and I'm not worried about it. I'm not. But after that it struck me how much she is acting like Susan (his stbx). Bizarre how they follow the same patterns.

Next weekend should be good. It'll just be me and S13. D15 is headed out with some friends; I suggested she do it, because she was on the fence about whether or not to go or stay home with me and her brother. I think the poor kid needs a break with just friends.

More later,
AJ

[ImprovedRomeo]

It was 22 years later for her. She still wasn't done....

Why do you have to scare me like that? I don't want to be thinking about this after 2 years let alone 22 years

[AJM]

Now now. I'm not trying to scare but I found it interesting that there is at least hope for the WAS to figure things out for themselves at some point. I don't hate. I don't want to see bad things happen to her. I do want her to figure it out at some point, even though I will never hear that. That doesn't matter. What does is that she is another human being that I once loved (maybe still do?) and I would like her to get herself figured out.

Meanwhile, I need to start a new thread - the year of my new beginning. I'll put some thought into that and think about the content.

[AJM]

Journaling:
Spoke to the MC today. That was a pleasant conversation. Her advice? Not much really. She suggested that I will know I'm done when I can look back on our relationship and remember the love we once shared. I can see that she is right. Right now I'm questioning all of it and re-remembering much of it. Actually, I'm seeing it differently I think. Kind of like trying on a coat. What I find is that I have an impasse - if I don't see the love, then I picked poorly and I suck. If I did, then it's harder to let go. Hmm....
Just the same, things are progressing. I am in limbo and writing this from the foxhole of limbo land.
Actually, things aren't too bad. I remembered the part about the friends former wife and it reminds me of a way to protect myself when she gets crazy(er) than normal. Oddly, and don't shoot me for this, I've noticed that when the phase of the moon changes, so too do her moods. I've noticed for years, but was told I'm nuts. I don't think that's the case any longer. In fact, I don't doubt myself any longer. Not time for that any more.
I like me. I like my life. I like the things I'm starting to do. There are many more I hope to do. This is getting kind of fun....

AJ