I think this is my home for the next 6 months...

[glamgirl]

RM if you break it down it makes it easier. So what really are you hanging onto? Sounds like if I give h the motorcycle he will ride with ow on it. Well that may happen if you like it or not.

So let's say he does that, what are you afraid of? He won't come back right now anyway. By hanging onto his stuff and refusing to give to him will only make matters worse and will put more of a wedge between you. Is that what you want?

Decide what you want. Do you want your h back? Are you trying to bring him home? If so, this would NOT be the way.

He needs to see what he truly is running away from. Give him a reason to want to come home. You want to draw him in, not push him further away.

Hope this makes sense. Do not be afraid of what the future may bring. It would not be the end of life if he rode with ow. Yes, you may not like it and it may hurt but you will live and life will go on.

Focus on what you can control, not on what you can't. Focus on the positive like spending time with son and fixing the fish pond. A positive. Don't think of it as manipulation. If you think like that you will lose.

Soul searching might help you. Do things that make you happy and stay positive not dwell on what you have NO control over.

None of this is easy, but the quicker you can let it be the better off you will feel.

[rysmom]

Hi glam ]
thanks for the reply. How are you and your kids doing? My son has had stomach problems the last week he missed some school im worried about him. do you talk to your h, is h having affair?

[glamgirl]

RM I have been at this a long time. I am moving forward with my life, but I treat my h as a friend. I forgave him and am no longer bitter towards him or resent him. I had those feelings for a long long time.

I would not have taken the path my h has chosen, but then again I am not him and we are not perfect human beings.

I have found out that the more I treat my h like a good friend the better we get along for our kids and ourselves.

I talk to my h almost daily and he spends time with me and kids about 5-7 days a week. I think the A has ended. I don't focus on that though. I focus on what I can control.

The kids are doing good. It has helped that my h sees them regularly.

This has not been easy on anyone, but I am at peace with my situation and the direction my life has taken. I have learned much on this journey, but still have many more things that God will continue to show me.

I hope you can find some peace along this journey as well.

[beingreal]

Hey all...sorry no update for a few days.

MIL being here went well. We had a heart to heart, we are on the same page. We talked about H taking care of the kids when they are there, and how I don't want it to become a burden on her, because right now it is falling onto her shoulders. We started talking about how he's doing--she says he's no longer so angry with everyone, now he just helps out around her house & he sleeps a lot. Hmmm.

She said he told her I didn't want him anymore and just *threw him away*. I told her that wasn't true. There were so many things going on--but I have always loved her son. I love him enough to make him stand on his own two feet. He just needs to work on himself by himself because there are things that I just can't do for him.

She said that he's been talking about going back to school this fall. Even just considering it is a big deal. He's doing it for himself, by himself. Not at my urging, not because he *has to*, but because he wants to. She said he's talking about getting a part time job to help with the kids & finishing his last year. It makes me hopeful that there might be some movement in the tunnel. I know better than to stand at the opening and beckon him, I am just happy knowing that he's thinking about his future.


I've been reading & came across a thought that I wanted to share with you guys. It's from The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura (not a big fan of hers, but I'm enjoying the book.

Anyway, she is talking about how women become hypersensitive to the hurt(real or anticipated) inflicted upon us by our Hs because of our history of being hurt before. Both genders do it, I think, so forgive my use of specific pronouns.

We jump the gun, as it were, to protect ourselves, even when there is nothing to protect ourselves from, and we cause the other person undue pain and rejection. It's cyclic, really and difficult to stop when it's all you've known.

She writes this...

"Wives need to love their husbands as though they've never been hurt before. Otherwise, they destroy today." (pg 51)


That is so true. And I think that when dealing with MLCers, the LBS needs to take it a step further. I think we need to love the MLCer as though we've never been hurt before by them. Not just for them, but for ourselves, as well.

How long am I supposed to make him pay for his mistakes? How is continuing to carry all of this anger and hostility doing either one of us any good? It fills you up and doesn't leave any room for anything else.

Change, happiness, forgiveness, peace--nothing can grow and flourish in the shadow of animosity.

That's what I'm going to be working on. I'm going to start working on forgiving both of us for the pain and sadness of the past few years. I'm going to just let it go. All of it. It's not doing me any good, and it's certainly not helping him any. I want to take the "figuring out my part in the fall of my M" part of DB and take it one step further.

I don't just want to even the score. I want to erase it.

If at the end of the tunnel we end up together again, then I want to start with blank slates. Forgiven and forgotten--but remembered enough that we never repeat these mistakes.

I just pray that in the end he will feel the same way about me. If not, then at least I've done what I needed to do & will no longer being carrying the burden of bitterness and resentment around with me.

But in the meantime...Miller Lite anyone?

[beingreal]

lol...I just read through the previous few posts on this thread. For a minute there *I* was confused.

Mr. Bond, please feel free to respond all you'd like. I need all the words of wisdom I can get.

I might be sensing movement in the tunnel, but I don't see any light just yet.

So go ahead, slap some knowledge on me.

[beingreal]

I forgave him and am no longer bitter towards him or resent him. I had those feelings for a long long time.

I would not have taken the path my h has chosen, but then again I am not him and we are not perfect human beings.

GG, I'm just noticing how we used the same words in our posts. That is exactly what I'm talking about. I think that letting go of that will make life better for us, no matter how this turns out.

I've had people comment on how *well* I seem to be doing since H left. I'm not calling him names or telling the world our secrets (except for here), I'm just not playing those games that so many people in our shoes choose to do. I don't see the point.

Trying to hurt H will inflict more pain upon not only myself, but our children, as well.

Enough damage has been done already. Being bitter and malicious is not going to help anyone.

It's a step in the right direction. Good for you. (((hugs)))

[beingreal]

btw--I just joined the alt as Shelbel Elliery. I sent out a few "hellos" to the obvious names I recognized. If you'd like to, please add me.

[ericmsant2]

Glamgirl...

I think the A has ended. I don't focus on that though. I focus on what I can control.

Exactly - we the LBS's can only focus on the stuff we can control! Everything else will just drive us insane.

Eric

[ericmsant2]

Shelbel

I hope you enjoyed your weekend. Thank you for the post on my thread.

How long am I supposed to make him pay for his mistakes?

For me I would prefer that she pay forever - just kidding. Seriously though...is it really his mistakes? Did he ask for this? As I have come to understand this more I have come to accept that neither of us asked for this. It is a natrual part of life. Are our spouses dealing with it as we would - probably not but then again they are not us. They will at some point need to deal with the issues or they will get stuck.

How is continuing to carry all of this anger and hostility doing either one of us any good?

Very..very good point. We need to let go of the anger not for them or the M but for US. For our own healing, which is what we can control.

I'm going to start working on forgiving both of us for the pain and sadness of the past few years. I'm going to just let it go. All of it. It's not doing me any good, and it's certainly not helping him any.

Very good place to be. Just remember that the forgivness is not to "help" him - it is to help you, which once again is the only thing you can control.

I want to take the "figuring out my part in the fall of my M"

Personally, this was the hardest part of this process for me. If you are really honest with yourself you may find that we did play major roles in this failure. The key IMO is not to dwell on it or beat the living sh*t out ourself for it but to learn from it. Grown from it.

I don't just want to even the score. I want to erase it.

I love this quote. I can honestly say that for a while I did want to even the score. I did want her to pay for the pain. In the end though you realize that all this does is...

carrying the burden of bitterness and resentment around

which is not good for us, the kids or anyone for that matter.

Miller Lite anyone

I keep telling ya...you have to try the car bomb thing. Just make sure that you hand your cell phone to someone

I just joined the alt as Shelbel Elliery

I friended you - you can see pics of my kids on my page.

God Bless,
Eric

[figgeroni]

about the motorcycle....

just a different perspective

(I am notthe OW...just to point out however...)

Cori had a motorcycle and his ex refused to give it to him. She also kept the bed, air conditioner and dishwasher...

3 years later

WE have a minivan, a new house with central air and a baby...

in the end...the crap doesn't matter

but he sure does rememeber who kept "his" stuff

so

hold onto the motorcycle if it is yours and you ride it and really like it with or without Husband

give it to him if you ever want the chance of riding on it with him again