MLC - standing by my man

[AJM]

Mila. Really, you aren't going to really figure it out, nor are you going to stop, are you? BTDT.

It will drive you insane. Really fast too.

But I think if you recap some of this you will realize a few things:
1) your H has a LOT of guilt somewhere deep inside
2) he really wants to do what his selfish mind tells him feels good
3) he knows he hurt you
4) he feels guilty for hurting you
5) he is looking for a way to justify hurting you
6) when he does that, it makes what he is doing, more reasonable since after all, it's your fault and you drove him to do it.
Rinse. Repeat.

The guilt and anger cycle keeps going. But I think what you did this last weekend interrupted that cycle. What you did was show him that you are changing. And changing you are. That will unsettle him. Think of it this way: in a relationship you two are on a balance device like a giant disc centered on a pole. When one moves one way, the other has to move a certain way to keep the balance. Eventually, if one moves too far one way or the other it all comes crashing down. He can feel that too. He doesn't like it either. His selfish mind wants to control it. So do you but for different reasons. But that balance is out of whack right now.
I think for some, a fight prior is a great way to help them with their guilt. In your case, it may be that he works on his guilt so he can feel like he is being nice to you prior to hurting you. That's sick, but then again, if he is MLC (and it sounds like it) then that would not be unusual now would it?

I think you found something that works
1) You were able to set a boundary (yay Mila!!)
2) You enforced that boundary
3) You let him know that you are moving on without him
4) He didn't like that and wants your attention - at some level
5) He already knows he doesn't want OW. He ran back before and doesn't want the OW. But next time he tries to come back, it may not be in your best interest to let him. It may be better to get him to fix his issues first. While he is doing that, GAL. Be you and figure you out. It's time for you both to do that. He may have to catch up later though and you may find that he doesn't or that you don't care when or if he does. But for now, let it be enough that you need to figure you out, because whether with him or somebody else, you cannot communicate your needs unless you know them.

While you start that process more consciously, keep the boundaries. As you develop what you want out of a relationship, you will find that you can more easily and more effectively set those boundaries.

Keep in mind this has to be real. You can't fake this. It will take time to do that but you have already started down the path.

He is not "comfortable" with what he is doing. That's obvious. He wants to hurt you. That's MLC speak for - it's your fault and that's why I'm doing this. Insanity and MLC seem so similar right? Insanity lasts a lifetime, MLC may eventually end. Just so we can keep them straight, I think.

Been accused of things you haven't done yet? Seen the glimmer of excitement in their eye when they feel like you are incompetent and they have gleefully told you yet? Wondered why he doesn't see what he is doing hurts you or if he does, why he doesn't just wander off and stop hurting you yet? Any other method they have used to try and hurt you yet?

Set boundaries. That is what a boundary is for. You have heard it here many many times. Don't allow this treatment. Don't allow that treatment. Allow him to treat you with respect. Like building a channel for a whale to get out of the bay and into the ocean, you are setting boundaries that only allow a particular path for them to travel when near you.

AJ