Yes, it will happen when you're ready.....but, give yourself a break. Sweetie, you're not even a year post-bomb (if I read the dates correctly) and married 17. Why is it you think you will let it go easily? It may be one of the hardest things you ever do. My point? Be patient with yourself. IMO that's part of the work we need to do also.
Grace - thanks. I do realize that I need to give myself a break. It has been a hell of a ride. I continue to move forward and work on me.
Mila - thanks for checking in and I hope you did not take my last post to you the wrong way.
Lost - as always...thank you.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Hey Eric, just stopped by to say hi. Saw the shoutout - thanks!
I havent caught up with your sitch completely, so, just some thoughts.
We all tell the new guys to focus on them (and their children). We do this for many reasons. One of them is that is doing that, you begin to not worry too much about your wife, what she is doing or not doing, what she is feeling, etc.
That being said, detaching, I feel is the hardest part of this. It goes against everything you feel intuitively is the right way to act.
Everyone comes to detachment in their own time, in their own way. And I wish that I could tell you that you get a shortcut pass, but, ain't gonna happen.
It is perfectly normal to feel sad and angry because this all sucks and you were in a relationship for a long time. It is perfectly normal to wonder why w is doing the things she is.
Here's the thing, though. If you continue to dwell on these feelings, you stay attached and continue to feel them.
But, if you really and truly put the focus on you and your kids, you will begin to see that those feelings start to abate. Little by little, day by day.
So, continue on your path. It is ok to think about your part in the marriage and to use the knowledge to figure out things you want to change.
But dont get stuck there. Use the knowledge to propel you forward.
Find more things that make you happy. Make memories with your kids. Live your life for you and them.
And eventually, you will see that those feelings are becoming less intense - little by little, day by day.
You are doing great. Keep going. Find your peace and happiness.
And never forget where you came from. We New Yorkers keep on keepin' on.
You'll have to let me know what part your from - Fort Green, Sheepsade By, Brighton Beach,Bedstye?
Yes - detach ing has been the hardest thing for me. I am still in the home and although we do not see each other much, I still have moments when I am still amazed at some of the things she does.
Right now my focus is really on the kids and me. I still have days when I feel angry, which I know is normal. I just wait for the day will come that I feel no anger, no remorse, no pain.
As I continue to examine myself I see many things that I would like to change. These changes will take time.
Have a great weekend. God Bless
Oh... And yes NY'ers alway keep moving and never give up. Can u say go NY Kbicks (okay so they suck - I still love'em)
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I'm from Bay Ridge. My sis is still there so I am often in my beloved Brooklyn.
My h was in the house for 17 months post bomb. I know how very difficult it is to detach when they are in the home. To tell you the truth, my real detaching came when he was gone. It's so hard when they are right there. So, dont be too hard on yourself, ok?
I am almost three years in, and there are times when I am still not completely and fully detached. Each day, it gets a little easier, slowly but surely. You'll get there.
Try to think of your w as a neighbor that you say hi to over a fence. Be cordial and polite, but, try not to pay too much mind to what she is doing and why. Take the, 'who cares what the heck she is doing because she is a little nutty right now' attitude. As I say, h has to put the cuckoo back in the clock, ya know?
Good for you that you realize the changes will take time. That is when they stick.
And the knickerbockers, um, let's go Yankees? LOL!
Hang in there, sweetie. This is a journey you were meant to go on. And I can promise you, you will learn and grow and be the person you were meant to be.
By the way, they are redoing Coney Island. Most of it was sold off to build condos, but, the cyclone is still there. No place like Brooklyn.
I absolutely understand--I'm going from day-to-day. Yesterday I was kinda hopeful, today I'm really sad & missing him. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. The only I do know is that it's just part of the puzzle, and whatever it is, it's necessary to getting through this as a whole person.
I can wrap my brain around the how & whys of DBing the MLCer, and what the MLCer is going through. I can see it from an analytical standpoint & agree with the course of action needed to navigate these waters. My problem is often getting my head and my heart to do the right thing at the right time. One of them is very stubborn.
Hang in there, we get tomorrow to try again.
(((hugs)))
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
Just a quick update. This Sunday W and I were suppose to work on our financial alfivadit together; however, she decided to push it back to next week since she had not spent time with the kids. I am not looking at this as anything more than that. I had the kids with me Friday night, Saturday all day and Sunday until 5PM, so she did not get to see them. I just finished the "Journey from Abondoment to Healing" by Susan Anderson and recomend the book to all LBS's. A very interesting read. I had a wonderful weekend with the kids. Yesterday evening, W was apparently on the phone with OM. I keep asking myself why this pisses me off and I have come to the conclusion that the way "I" feel is that she is allowing OM to drive some of her descions. I still feel "wronged" by the whole situation; however, I do accept my role in this. I do keep working on me and try as hard as it is to realize that I can NOT control another. Have to say thought that the whole sitch really does suck. The kids now refer to the family room as "daddy's room". I continue to press on, to continue to search and find things about myself that I want to change. I have learned to accept to be who I AM. Yes I have insecurities, yes I can be affraid, yes I can be very sensative - this is who I am. I also have learned to accept and feel these feelings but not allow them to control me. Rather to understand them and understand the root from which they come.
Brooklyn -
Quote:
I'm from Bay Ridge.
Ahh...isn't that Gotti's old stomping ground?
Quote:
My h was in the house for 17 months post bomb. I know how very difficult it is to detach when they are in the home. To tell you the truth, my real detaching came when he was gone. It's so hard when they are right there. So, dont be too hard on yourself, ok?.
Yes it is hard but possible. I try and keep the peace as much as possible. We do have 3 children so I believe that both of us are working hard to keep thing amicable. I will agree that I believe true detachment will come when I no longer see her daily. The hard part is looking at her and realizing that I am with someone who really no longer cares about me. I live with someone who I gave all of my emotion to and the reality is that they choose (although I do accept my blame in this) not to work on something. She will own this one day. That day is not defined by me but rather by God.
Quote:
Each day, it gets a little easier, slowly but surely. You'll get there.
That is my hope. I think the hardest thing is not knowing what the hell goes on in her head. What does she feel - if anything at all. I try not to think about it but from time to time it does cross my mind.
Quote:
let's go Yankees.
Yeah...let's go Yanks!
Quote:
By the way, they are redoing Coney Island.
Finally! Althogh there is nothing like a Nathan dog, with a zeppoli from C.I. - Nothing. Hopefully, the condos will help revitalize that part of Brooklyn.
Thanks for your words Brooklyn - thank you.
Shelbel - I need to catch up on your thread. I checked on Friday and did not see any updates from you. I'll post my comments on your thread.
Quote:
today I'm really sad & missing him.
I know the feeling...know it well. I have been at this for 8 months now and still have those moments. IMO - feel them. Don't run from them. Try and recall the positives in your M and not dwell on the negatives. Try and focus on the changes that you will need to make for YOU. It is the only way that I think we make it thru this. As hard as it is...WE the LBS's are responsible for our happiness.
Quote:
My problem is often getting my head and my heart to do the right thing at the right time. One of them is very stubborn.
Very hard. The heart has a mind of it's own. The heart feels like Love and Love alone can "fix it". Only problem is that the MLCer must fix themselves. Getting to that point of acceptance is not easy at least for me was not (or maybe I should say has not) been easy.
You are right...we get another day to...IMO - WORK ON OURSELVES!
Keep your head up Shelbel - you sound good.
Mila - Yes spent the weekend with the kids at my friends lake house. Fished and kayaked all weekend.
Quote:
the remorse and sadness?
This I believe take the longest - I believe that we have to at some point learn to deal with the remose and pain. Maybe not "get over it" but really just learn to deal with it. IMO - if we do not, we the LBS's will never be WHOLE again. This journey that we are ALL on, is one that each of us has no choice but to take. I would summarize it as this...
1) Choose to not work on ourselves and ultimately bring forward all of the issues in our M or
2) Choose to work on ourselves, accepting and realizing that we WILL make it, we WILL grow. Yes it is painful, but what reward is there with no pain.
Personally, I choose 2.
Mila - I hope my post to you were not too hard. That was not my intent. Continue to be the pillar of strength that I can SEE in your post. As I have said before...your diginity, class and openess are a inspiration.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Eric, Just catching up a bit on you, I need to go back a little further but for now I can say, yes when you don't see them day to day, it helps. The hills and valleys are not as steep on the rollercoaster.
I try not to think about what my W is thinking, but that is hard. I find that if I start trying to guess what she is thinking then that leads me to make "judgements" and that leads to anger which at that point is produced by me.
As much as I can, I try to have compassion for my W, even though I know she is involved with OM. I just try to remember that this is not the woman I married and I do see her struggle at times which tells me that somewhere down in the green alien goo, she is trying to get out. Granted she will not be the same person she was before but I think she will find her moral compass again.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.