I am back...and finding me

[ericmsant2]

All

Just a quick update. This Sunday W and I were suppose to work on our financial alfivadit together; however, she decided to push it back to next week since she had not spent time with the kids. I am not looking at this as anything more than that. I had the kids with me Friday night, Saturday all day and Sunday until 5PM, so she did not get to see them. I just finished the "Journey from Abondoment to Healing" by Susan Anderson and recomend the book to all LBS's. A very interesting read. I had a wonderful weekend with the kids. Yesterday evening, W was apparently on the phone with OM. I keep asking myself why this pisses me off and I have come to the conclusion that the way "I" feel is that she is allowing OM to drive some of her descions. I still feel "wronged" by the whole situation; however, I do accept my role in this. I do keep working on me and try as hard as it is to realize that I can NOT control another. Have to say thought that the whole sitch really does suck. The kids now refer to the family room as "daddy's room". I continue to press on, to continue to search and find things about myself that I want to change. I have learned to accept to be who I AM. Yes I have insecurities, yes I can be affraid, yes I can be very sensative - this is who I am. I also have learned to accept and feel these feelings but not allow them to control me. Rather to understand them and understand the root from which they come.

Brooklyn -

I'm from Bay Ridge.

Ahh...isn't that Gotti's old stomping ground?

My h was in the house for 17 months post bomb. I know how very difficult it is to detach when they are in the home. To tell you the truth, my real detaching came when he was gone. It's so hard when they are right there. So, dont be too hard on yourself, ok?.

Yes it is hard but possible. I try and keep the peace as much as possible. We do have 3 children so I believe that both of us are working hard to keep thing amicable. I will agree that I believe true detachment will come when I no longer see her daily. The hard part is looking at her and realizing that I am with someone who really no longer cares about me. I live with someone who I gave all of my emotion to and the reality is that they choose (although I do accept my blame in this) not to work on something. She will own this one day. That day is not defined by me but rather by God.

Each day, it gets a little easier, slowly but surely. You'll get there.

That is my hope. I think the hardest thing is not knowing what the hell goes on in her head. What does she feel - if anything at all. I try not to think about it but from time to time it does cross my mind.

let's go Yankees.

Yeah...let's go Yanks!

By the way, they are redoing Coney Island.

Finally! Althogh there is nothing like a Nathan dog, with a zeppoli from C.I. - Nothing. Hopefully, the condos will help revitalize that part of Brooklyn.

Thanks for your words Brooklyn - thank you.

Shelbel -
I need to catch up on your thread. I checked on Friday and did not see any updates from you. I'll post my comments on your thread.

today I'm really sad & missing him.

I know the feeling...know it well. I have been at this for 8 months now and still have those moments. IMO - feel them. Don't run from them. Try and recall the positives in your M and not dwell on the negatives. Try and focus on the changes that you will need to make for YOU. It is the only way that I think we make it thru this. As hard as it is...WE the LBS's are responsible for our happiness.

My problem is often getting my head and my heart to do the right thing at the right time. One of them is very stubborn.

Very hard. The heart has a mind of it's own. The heart feels like Love and Love alone can "fix it". Only problem is that the MLCer must fix themselves. Getting to that point of acceptance is not easy at least for me was not (or maybe I should say has not) been easy.

You are right...we get another day to...IMO - WORK ON OURSELVES!

Keep your head up Shelbel - you sound good.

Mila - Yes spent the weekend with the kids at my friends lake house. Fished and kayaked all weekend.

the remorse and sadness?

This I believe take the longest - I believe that we have to at some point learn to deal with the remose and pain. Maybe not "get over it" but really just learn to deal with it. IMO - if we do not, we the LBS's will never be WHOLE again. This journey that we are ALL on, is one that each of us has no choice but to take. I would summarize it as this...

1) Choose to not work on ourselves and ultimately bring forward all of the issues in our M or

2) Choose to work on ourselves, accepting and realizing that we WILL make it, we WILL grow. Yes it is painful, but what reward is there with no pain.

Personally, I choose 2.

Mila - I hope my post to you were not too hard. That was not my intent. Continue to be the pillar of strength that I can SEE in your post. As I have said before...your diginity, class and openess are a inspiration.

God Bless,
Eric