The U-haul has come and I should go

[sage]

Half the time I don't know what I'm thinking. No wonder I confuse him and everyone else.

OK...let me agree with Mockers...please be gentle with YOU! There wasn't anything inherently confusing about your post...I just wanted to make sure I understood what you were saying before I launched into one of my lengthy posts.

Sage: wordwordwordwordpausewordwordword
Dagny: Thanks. But I meant....

Ya know?

When he brings something up, I believe he has an expectation as to what I should say, or what he wants me to say. I feel like I need to analyze the real meaning to the conversation (would like to have those cue cards to what is really meant by his words!). However, it I don't say much and think it all through, when I'm prepared to talk about it, he isn't in the frame of mind for a R talk. Probably where validating would be the best course of action instead of offering my opinions. Just think of myself on a fact gathering mission.

So...there's a bunch of things here...are you sure that you're not putting a spin on h's expectations? IOW, I've felt like you have...h will bring something up and I'll get myself worked up wondering if he wants a particular response, etc...only to find out that if I had taken his statements LITERALLY and just answered them that way, he would have been more than satisfied.

I think you're definitely on the right track about validating...then...when you're ready to come back to something can you say "I'd like to continue our discussion from the other night on XYZ...when would be a good time for that?"

Easier said than done, I know.

Oh, I am the talker. I make the plans and decisons in the family life, part of the problem. He never took the initative to do things socially or in the R, I always did, and if he had a differing opinion, I would state my reasons and we would go from there. Sometimes it was so frustrating--where would you like to go for dinner? I don't care. What ould you like to do? Whatever. Sometimes I wondered how he could be so successful as a manager and he couldn't make a decision at home. So, to list a huge fault of mine, I think when he did express an opinion I would bull-doze right over it as I believe what I was doing was the right thing.

Um...I can relate.

I did figure out early in DB'ing that there were some things that h truly didn't care about re. decision making and some that he probably did but started say "I don't care" to because I had run roughshod over him so many times he figured he didn't stand a chance.

Is this something that you're working on?

I don't know the answer to this one. I have avoided R talks for the past year, rarely bringing them up as he never seemed receptive to them. Though, some of the best exchanges we have had are either late at night or via email.

so...what seems sort of interesting is that you say he's not receptive to them but he definitely STARTED one the other night...right? so maybe there's something about when YOU start them? Timing? He feels off guard?

If emails and late nights are working for you, that's awesome.

Sage