still separated, headed for D?

[gatsby11]

Forgiveness is a great message; we all need to be reminded of it often. It's a great gift to ourselves to forgive. I need to get back to that place.

That Steve Harvey book sounds really interesting.

Glad to hear that your WH is still seemingly responding well to your 180!

[WhatNow]

Hey nm,

I came across this video. It confirms what you are doing! I haven't bought this guys stuff....don't think it is necessary. But the Vid will assure you that you are on the right track with your visualizations!

www.mindmovies.com/promo/johnseeley.php

[newmama]

Thanks, WN! I watched it and wow, it does sound like what I am doing but they also suggested adding music. I have a perfect song in mind "Whatever it Takes" by Lifehouse! I had another epiphany....

I did check out The Secret website and read some testimonials about relationships. I tried to focus on those that brought an ex back. Actually, of the ones I checked, most hadn't succeeded "at that time" or "yet" (as they put it). One person said that we need to remember that we don't have power over another person (duh) so we can only control ourselves and the Secret may not be effective in getting someone else to do something you want.

WELL what we all know that we do have control over ourselves. MWD says that one person CAN change a relationship because when we change our behavior, it causes a chain reaction in our spouse. (no guarantees of course)

ANYWAY what I am getting at is that I think I will continue to visualize WH coming to me to tell me he wants to R but I will need to incorporate him telling me things that I have been doing that led him to decide to end the A and be with me...

during these last several weeks he really missed me; he felt himself being attracted to me again, he was curious about me, he never stopped loving me, he respected what I was doing, and he realized he couldn't bring himself to divorce me because he doesn't want to lose me and when he would think of the future, he saw it with me and S, not OW. He will "do whatever it takes to turn this around" (I know, sounds Hollywood Fairy Tale-ish but shoot for the moon and you will reach the stars!)

Again, strangely, I see another path of acceptance of D but it is fuzzy- My main focus is on R and D is a possibility INSTEAD of focus being on D and R is a possibility...quepiche?

it's like when you are driving on the freeway and you need to get somewhere by a certain time. You can see break lights on from cars up ahead, but you don't know if the break lights mean cars are piling up do to an accident or if they are just temporarily slowing down. Just in case, you picture what exit you can take and what alternate road you can follow to get you to the destination. Still, you stay on the freeway until you get more information to make that decision!

[newmama]

Lifehouse "Whatever it Takes" (from the perspective of the WAS who wants to R!)

A strangled smile fell from your face
It kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn't even know
Now there's a million reasons for you to go
But if you can find a reason to stay

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together
Whatever it takes

She said if we're gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see
She said like it or not it's the way it's gotta be
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
And give me a break
I'll keep us together

I know you deserve much better
Remember the time I told you the way that I felt
And that I'd be lost without you and never find myself
Let's hold onto each other above everything else
Start over, start over

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together
Whatever it takes

[courageous wife]

I like those song lyrics!

I decided to try visualizing my H coming to me and wanting to R...I could't come up with anything. I can, however, see him home after the R...doing things for me and doing things with us, being attentive and touchy feely! I don't know if this is just wishful thinking or what and I also don't know why I cannot visualize how we would reconcile! Weird.

[newmama]

Way to go, CW! Did it take you awhile to be able to concentrate enough to do it?

I don't know if this is just wishful thinking or what and I also don't know why I cannot visualize how we would reconcile! Weird.

At least what you are seeing is the "outcome" of what you want, so I bet it still helps. Can you believe it has been over 2 months since your H filed and nothing since then??? He probably filed to appease OW!

Actually, I couldn't picture how WH and I would reconcile for the longest time until I started meditating. Like you, I only pictured us "together." But for some reason I feel like I need to "see" the start of R because after being separated for over a year, and him bringing up D 4-5 times, I needed some positive thinking around how WH switching from D to R would be possible...to see how that might come about. Luckily I read a few different threads in piecing that kind of described how their H brought up R so that gave me a rough idea.

I just figured it would be him sitting on the couch and talking to me because that is exactly how he has brought up D every time- sitting on the couch. I close my eyes and picture him starting to talk but this time telling me "good" news!

[flowmom]

FM-Did something happen that made you think the best isn't possible?

Nothing specific happened. It's just that it's been almost 5 months of total consistency from H. I see not a speck of ambivalence in him...just a "good guy" who is DONE. Plus he's not a wishy washy type. He's very decisive and he has proven that he can do big 180s in his life and abandon a career, friends, hobbies, exes, etc.

[newmama]

FM-H has been totally consistent? But I stopped by your thread and read that your H seems more relaxed around you lately.
(Oh and that your friends and family tell you that you are look amazing! I am assuming that looking terrific reflects both outer and inner beauty, right? Go Flow!)

[newmama]

Ran across this book reccommendation for how wives can improve their marriages---nutshell: nurture your H, talk less, praise him for his efforts and skills (but ignore bad behavior), and give him a lot of sex.

Also- men are hard wired to want to please their wives.

Could it really be this simple? Of course I know that this is sterotyping men.

This review is from: The Secrets of Happily Married Women: How to Get More Out of Your Relationship by Doing Less (Hardcover)

by Dr. Scott Haltzman and Teresa Foy DiGeronimo .


There are 7 Secrets that Dr. Haltzman wants to share with women. After a brief introduction where he explains how he came to write the book, each secret is shared in its own chapter.

Secret 1: Know Your Husband

Dr. Haltzman explains the nature, needs, and challenges that men have in relationships.

secret 2: Nurture His Needs -- and Yours

Dr. Haltzman shares a revised serenity prayer "God grant me the serenity to accept the aspects of my husband's nature that I cannot change, but encouraged to direct his instincts in ways that will be mutually gratifying, and the wisdom to better understand who he really is." The "Do less" lesson at the end of this chapter is priceless.

secret 3: Fight Better

Conflict is a part of every marriage. Just because he doesn't fight the way that you do doesn't mean that he is wrong, it just means that he fights differently. Men and women physically react differently to conflict. Men are hardwired and then trained to find answers through logical analysis, women are more likely to be in touch with their immediate emotional reaction that pushes her to focus on her feelings and focused less on objective evidence. Typical areas of conflict for couples revolve around childcare, housework, money, parenting, and last, but not least sex.

secret 4: Talk Less

Happy couples recognize and accept the differences between male and female communication styles. The wives, especially, let go of the idea that he could be a better communicator if he wanted to. Certain biological differences suggest that he can't! Just because men aren't talking doesn't mean they aren't communicating. Pay much more attention to what we're doing than what we're saying and you're much more likely to see your husband telling you he loves you.

secret 5: Have Lots of Sex

For your husband, having sex makes him feel loved and makes him love you. It is a vitally important part of his marriage and for many men is the glue that makes the marriage stick. Don't expect your sex life to be like the idealized or traumatized version you see on TV. Work together to set your own mutual sexpectations and your sex life will improve.

secret 6: Take Charge of Your Own Happiness

Happily married women know the truth behind the Abraham Lincoln quote "people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." It may sound simple but when you choose happiness, your spouse is happy too.

secret 7: Heal Thyself

Put in place these 4 attributes of happy women:

1. Be surrounded by friends
2. Be physically active
3. Be involved in life
4. Be open to spirituality

An epilogue follows the 7 secrets entitled "When mom is happy, everybody's happy" to wrap up "The Secrets of Happily Married Women." I want to close with this quote from the book:

"Remember that your husband is hardwired and socialized to please you, and that you have the power to make him a better, nicer, more selfless, more giving man. As you know his nature, and start to work with, rather than against it, notice how your husband has become more respectful of you and is more likely to honor the differences between you. See how he begins to show an appreciation of your womanly perceptions, charms, and insights. See how all these positive consequences solidify your place at your husband's side."

[Babydoll]

It is so GREAT to see we are all trying to THINK a wonderful M into our lives with our H's!!! I might visit your site ten times a day... last few posts are so inspiring!!!

NM, and everyone... lets start by omitting the D word! lets not mention it... the secret says even by mentioning it by negative conotation, such as "i dont want a divorce" the universe only hears the word divorce and we are in fact drawing it towards us! SO FROM NOW ON... We talk about reconciling! forgiveness! happiness!!! Lets just try and report back! What do we have to lose! and I agree with MDW i person can change a relationship!

"forgiveness is love... when you forgive, you feel God's light shining down on you. You feel love." WHOA. DEEP. and I think true.
WOW!!!! I second that NM!

I think I will be able to forgive WH eventually if we D. It's just that I will be able to forgive him a lot sooner if we R! lol!

Couldnt have said it better myself!