Mockers2
"Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Friedrich Nietzsche
H called me on Tuesday, what are we doing? Karate. Can I come watch? Sure. So he watches and asks what dinner plans were. I had planned a crock pot dinner from Flylady by the stupid crock pot I bought at Wal-mart was broken and thought we'd just do BK (points for tyring?)
Instead, he invited all of us over to the new place. So me disgustingly sweaty and the kids head over for dinner. S4 shows me around, shows me his and S7 room and then says, this is your and Daddy's bed.
We talk, he talks about how hard the previous evening was, not feeling needed. How weird our talk was. I told him that I can't give him time and space and also make him feel needed. I can't figure out how I can do that, but if there is something he would like me to do, please tell me. We talked about the ring thing. I used Ellie's suggestion of telling him that he can work through his issues with the mother of his children and someone who loves him flaws and all or be alone. I also told him that I think we should keep the good parts of our R (namely sex, as he felt very weird at lunch about even kissing) while we work on our R. He talked about how he needed to work on his issues before he could work on us. I agreed. He then asked if he could come put the kids to bed and possibly other things. I agreed. We had a very nice evening (I made him a chocolate martini).
He called on Wednesday to say what a nice evening it was and then offered to put the windshield wipers on the van for me. I had told him I was going to Boston for the weekend to meet some BB people as I did not want to be alone in the hosue without the kids. He said he understood. He came over after the kids were in bed, and we had a nice evening, but it wasn't as good as the evening before. I'm afraid we were trying to recreate that and we just need more time apart, he needs to miss me more.
So today he came to get the kids to take to SIL craft show. He was short with me and barely spoke to me. I tried not to let it get to me and here we are. So we have had some highs and lows. He did ask me to email him the name of some counselors, so I see that as good.
We breifly discussed my mother and that she wasn't mean to him and he said he thinks it is hard for his folks to reach out to me. I'm still so angry at them, they could even just do the wimpy thing and email me, they know I have no family nearby in a ten hour radius.
But, despite the anger, I think I'm doing okay. H may bring the kids over here this weekend and the house is a wreck. I'm debating cleaning it to make him happy, or just leave it as a pig-sty as I just don't have the energy and it is now my pig sty.
How cute that your S said this is yours and Daddy's bed. I bet that made your heart hurt a little though, huh? I can only imagine, because of the stuff S9 shares with me about H's new home.
But I have to say, things are sounding good right now. Your H seems to be willing to face some issues. I also think you're handling it very well. The way you behave helps him feel more comfortable around you. That is evident because he wants to be around you. Keep doing whatever it is that you are doing, because I think it is working girl.
Good job!
Have fun in Boston! Wish I could joing you. Tell Ellie hello for me. I would love to meet her.
P.S. I still haven't tried the recipes from Fly Lady yet. Maybe I'll add that to my next shopping list.
Me 47 Ex H 46 Bomb 9/02 D final 3/04 Ex H now married to OW
------------ This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
Hi Jackie. I am glad things seem to be a bit better. H probably is realizing that he misses you more than he thought he would (mine did, he told me later). Keep being patient. And take care of you.
Enjoy your trip to Boston!
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
He was distant and rude this morning when he dropped the kids off. I asked for a hug, he got very annoyed, was getting in the car for work. Persuing, bad! Do not ask for hugs, follow his lead, do not be pathetic. Let him be. This is his problem, not mine.
Went to a soup dinner last night, bringing my Spicy Black Bean soup (I've won some prizes for this) and turned into the church parking lot, step drive, and the damn thing spilled all over the front of the car. Fortunately the majority was on the rug thing (name of those are escaping me). Why can't anything go easy?
Your H is being true-to-form. All WAH tend to do these very things. I think they get really confused because, darnit, they were supposed to be in immediate elation when they got out from underneath their spouses, and whoa...they are just as unhappy as when they left, if not more unhappy. This seems to really irritate them and hence, the cold shoulder routine. My H continually gave me the cold shoulder each time after we have had a "good exchange". So consider it par for the course.
Besides, I see lots of positives, heck he took you to see his apt. I haven't been my dream house since I moved out 2 months ago! It seems he wants you to see where he lives and wants you to be comfortable with where your boys will be when not with you.
You go have a bang-up Thanksgiving. Enjoy being with yourself. It has taken me some time to do just that, but heck, it really is pretty fun. Shop for yourself some things, get a couple of great looking outfits, some new shoes, some new make-up, some new undies, etc. Have fun!
Jackie, You sre doing a great job! I see quite a few posisitves - he asked to come to karate and then to dinner. This is good. I think he's already missing you. H ejust needs some more time, which the two of you have discussed. This is something you can give him. Cupcake is right - I think they believe that they'll feel terrific if they can just get away from the LBS, but it seems to not be what they expect. My H also seemed to vent his frustration towards me when this happened. Try not to beat yourself up about asking for a hug. It is so hard not to do that - especially after they've come in close. Keep in mind that they usually pull back after a period of closeness. Expecting it helps some with the pain when it happens. I also agree that your H seems comfortable with you and in discussing some things with you, which is important. Keep up what you've been doing because I agree it seems to be working.
Try to really relax this weekend. This is hard - especially when you take care of children. Treat yourself with tenderness and give yourself a pat on the back for the wonderful job you're doing.
This is a tough ride, but I am hopeful for you and your H.
(((Jackie))) Drive safely! Wish I could come too!
Mockers2
"Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Friedrich Nietzsche
