Question

[ClingingToHope]

Have fun with the yard work. I haven't had to do any for more than a year now and I'm still not missing it.

Remember, no expectations on the email. It's hard to be that way. I still have thoughts of STBXW's troubles and can't keep myself from thinking, well ... perhaps ... rethinking things.

Then I snap out of it.

[awest1217]

This is actually the first time in 4 years that I am making the house mine. The landscaping was whatever the renters before us did and it wasn't the greatest because they are renters. Plus there were no flowers. I still have some planting and tidying up to do, but it looks so much better. It just looks more friendly, which is all what I wanted. I want somewhere that people feel welcome, which my friend who stopped by last night said my house always feels cozy so that makes me feel good.

Bad is I had to once again have it out with my step-dad, slightly. My youngest sister is 21 and has some money issues. I blame this on my mom and step-dad because they spend money like it is going out of style. My mom I don't know what she buys, and my step-dad redoes the entire house every year. He does something, never finishes, then starts all over again the next year. So my sister although living at home, is now in major debt. My parents have helped this, but now my step-dad just says how it is all her fault. Who here thinks it is ok to cosign an open credit loan for a 19 year old? NO ONE! that is suicide. Plus there is some stuff about the VA that I don't know what is going on, but we get money while in school because our dad was in the navy when he passed away. So I am taking over once again being mom to my little sister. I have done this ever since my dad died, but it is a lot. She is really not that bad off, but I have to discipline her and really put her on a leash... My step-dad started to complain (he is a jerk anyway) so I just let him know calmly and strictly what I thought was happening with VA and then also reminded him that he filed for bankruptcy and then bought a brand new mustang in the same month...so he should be a little more compassionate with a 21 year old and teach her and maybe do better himself instead of yelling at her. He didn't like that too much so after helping at my house with the bushes and eating dinner...he left quickly, and I don't care because he needs to be put in his place and I feel that I can do that now because if he doesn't want to help me out, I will get someone else.

I called H to let him know about my sister because they were always close and to let him know that if I am short with him, it is because of my stress with this and not him (at least right now). He didn't answer so I tried to leave a message and my phone went haywire. I called again thinking he wouldn't answer, but he did so I told him and he gave me some suggestions. I think it was a load off to him becuase he sounded a little afraid when he answered (I am sure because of the e-mail), but I said this was nothing about him and I was just letting him know that he shouldn't take it personally since I am stressed about my fam.

All in all so far a good weekend. I have a little to do tomorrow and i would like to buy a few more flowers, but I am not going to because I need to save my $ so I am just going to be happy with what I have accomplished and leave it at that.

[ClingingToHope]

I was terrible with money until I got out of college and had to live on $8 an hour. It'll come with time and yes, not having good financial role models does not help. That's why I got my act in order so D7 and D11 have a good example to follow on finances.

The Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University class really worked for me -- and I knew all of the concepts. I just needed it drummed back in my head.

Check with churches in your area. One might be offering it. If your sister gets her act together today she'll be fine.

[awest1217]

I am not too worried about my sis. Everyone around her has been through the Dave Ramsey stuff so she knows it, but the thing is that she is 21, and will make mistakes. I am going to help her every other Wednesday when she gets paid to help her pay her bills on time, save, and still have a little to spend.

In other news, H is "sick" again. What is new? I am not really talking to him. I asked about his day today and if he was switching rooms, but that is it. Nothing about the e-mail, which I figured would happen, although he has stopped telling me he loves me. Not surprising since I said in the e-mail how I was confused when he said that because his actions don't match the words and he has said the same thing to OW so I don't know if it means friend or wife love. Him stopping telling me just reminds me more that we are never getting back together. Oh well...

More news, I just found out that one of H's friends is going to be working with me. Not too happy about that. I think he had a thing possibly with her so I am very worried about having her work here with me. I finally have things normal in my life and now I have to deal with a ghost from the past working with me everyday. Not at all what I want with my life right now.

[ClingingToHope]

Yes. That sucks. One thing I have going for me is that STBXW has so few friends and they travel in very different circles from me that I never run into them.

I thank God for that because I still have little emotional pity parties when I see them posting on FB.

I know next to nothing about STBXW's life when she doesn't have the kids.

[Lucky11too]

I just have to say how impressed and amazed I am with all the thigns you are doing with your house. That is just so neat that you are really able to make it your own with your own hands. What a strong woman you are! =)

It unfortunate H is chosing to ignore the email instead of embracing it, but i guess it was expected. Hopefully he did bring it to rehab though with him, so he can sound off on someone else about it. Do you think you will ever address the email with him directly or just let it go if he never responds? Can either produce results with him?

That's horrible about possibly having to work with H's friend. You'll have to find ways to distance those memories and get to know her as the person she is now b/c I'm sure it will be nearly impossible to just completely avoid her. It's just frustrating that you can't get rid of H and his ghosts!

[awest1217]

Thanks! I really do feel like I can do anything. I am completely changing my house's exterior and it looks great! Everyday when I leave or come home and see it, I am just so proud of myself for making the change, and later this summer I am going to paint S's room so it is blue with moon and stars. At the end of the summer, I am hoping to buy some slip covers for the hand-me-down couches I have so everything looks uniform, and then honestly, I will be happy with the house. I will then start saving for big things next year like new appliances since mine are going haywire or siding for the house since I have wood siding or new windows...all probably too expensive right now, but who knows in a few years. A little at a time.

With H's friend, they aren't really "friends" now. They worked together for two summers when they were both in college. She started working in my corporation 4 years ago, but she worked at the junior high. Now she is moving to the high school. Her and H don't talk or really haven't talked since working together, but I still wonder what she knows about H or what their relationship really was like...I will have to work on not worrying about that before next year, but also having to answer questions like "how are H and I doing?" Since they don't talk, all things I haven't had to deal with in a while and would like to keep it that way.

I don't know if I will bring up the e-mail to H. He is one that doesn't like to be told things over and over again. He knows what I said to him and he knows that I am looking for actions and for a response. He could be working on writing a response, but I am not going to push anything. My only problem right now is this weekend my brother and sister-in-law are in town from TN. They are the ones who have a problem with me and H. I don't want to have issues with them. they are also the ones who pulled my name for christmas and never bought me anything. Also a family friend (one of my grandma's friends) is in town. She is annoying and doesn't know about H and I because she will ask way too many questions that are none of her business since she is really not family so I will have to figure out how to deal with that as well. I was going to have H come to my grandma's because she invited him and then I wouldn't have to deal with the family friend, but with the animosity with my immediate family and the fact he has ignored my e-mail, I don't think I will bring it up.

Right now I am honestly going really well considering it has been one year since H moved out. I wish it were a little cooler so that S and I could play outside without sweating a ton, but it is supposed to cool off tomorrow so we can enjoy the weather as we start our summer together.

[ClingingToHope]

Yes. Don't bring the email up. You are just setting yourself up for pain. I'd stop including H in anything really. He knows where you stand.

[awest1217]

Well the last few days of school! I have today, tomorrow, and Tuesday then on to the first summer where I have nothing to do.

I noticed today that I am dizzy again, but I haven't been for about 1.5 weeks so I think it has to do with my sleep. Last night, I didn't sleep well at all. Weird dreams...one was about work and how these gang members were doing some strange things and something big was about to happen (we have a lot of gangs where I work). I was trying to help my students and call the office. I think that one has to do with one of my students who has great potential, but is in a gang and on probabtion, but now is on the run...a junior. It is funny how connected I get to these students.

The second one, had to do with H. He was injecting himself with some medicine, but come to find out, he stole it from some guy and it was some kind of medicine that he got addicted to and there was a fight there. It was all very strange, but I know that one is because H always just takes anything to make him feel better, but nothing ever works. He right now is on 3 supplements (no big deal), and a beta blocker for his migraines plus takes imitrex and some muscle relaxer if he gets a migraine (all perscribed). He also has really bad sinuses so he has always taken Claritin (the only med he was on when he left last year), but now he takes the claritin, a sudafed, and a benedryl every day with no relief. The dream is probably just my fear he is going to keep sinking (or maybe a preminition because my dreams really have a way of coming true or pointing to soon problems).

I haven't heard from H since Monday so who knows what is going on there. I will text him tomorrow to say something about his last day of school, but I doubt he will say anything back. I just don't understand. Oh well...I have a fun filled, yet busy, weekend planned. Friday girl's night, Saturday out of town for a friend's graduation, Saturday night probably hanging with my family since my brother and sister-in-law will be in town. Sunday is church then a church picnic then a cook out at my house. Monday is the memorial day parade and then a cook out at my grandma's. Tuesday is my last day of work. Also this weekend my step-dad is building me a frame for the porch swing I got three years ago as a gift (my porch rafters are about 1 ft above the siding so I can't read them to just hang it like normal). I am also going to buy some chairs to go on the porch and I think it will look awesome. S and I planted the last of the flowers my step-dad brought over and grass seed where I tore out the bushes so it looks just awesome. I have a little work to do on the back yard, but it is all maintenance stuff now...Good things to come!

[ClingingToHope]

That's a really good weekend you have planned there. Beats mine. I'll be in Madison, Wis., Saturday and Sunday working at a marathon and then home with no plans on Memorial Day.

I'm not too bummed. I have a feeling I'll be very tired from the weekend anyway and with this marathon I'll be set up pretty well financially for the summer.

I looked at the summer schedule. The girls have 10 weeks off. I have them the second, fifth and seventh week and three weekends in June, two in July and two in August.

It's going to be a very, very good summer.