Timeheals, I think you are correct. He does not respect me or his mother. It is so sad. My mil is the sweetest, nicest, most caring person on the planet. Yes she can be annoying to both me and her sons but who's mom isn't at some point? He is in some sort of dillusional fog and it is so sad that he would stoop so low to say such a thing about his own mother. She is the one putting a roof over his head right now. Guarantee you she is cooking and cleaning for him too!
I just wish this girl he is infactuated with would go away.... I know she is just a symptom of the problem but I think it would help him get on a path to find out his true problems.
M 35, husband 35 M 10 Limbo 9/2009-12/2010 he left for his moms and came home way to many times to count Home 12/2010-present
Everything your H said and every way he acted when you just saw him was the depression talking. Seems you have no choice but to get on with your life whether or not you sign the papers. He is not choosing to go to any type of doctor or therapist or do anything to help this situation except blame his wife and now family.
Sorry you had another stupid conversation this week.
What would it get you to stop taking his temperature? Would you feel better if you stopped taking his temperature for two weeks? I do believe it is safe to say he will still have depression in two weeks.
Maybe if you step out of the picture he will spend all his time picking fights with his family until they force him to get help or put him out because he is causing such strife.
I am pretty sure I do need to just back away... He is becoming more irrational. I think maybe things with the ow are not going the way he wants it to.... So he is taking it out on me.
My friend wants to know why his conversation with me is not making any sense. I can't explain that because he is in some sort of fog where his reality is not reality.... Wonder if he will hit rock bottom?? Maybe realize he should get help?
M 35, husband 35 M 10 Limbo 9/2009-12/2010 he left for his moms and came home way to many times to count Home 12/2010-present
I am not sure how you tell the difference between mental illness and how people behave toward their spouses when they are in a full-blown obsessive fantasy with somebody outside their marriage.
I suppose you could argue that it's not a rational thing to become obsessed with somebody outside your marriage (good reason to never go there), but... in my case... stbxw is fully capable of appearing rational to others insofar as I know. She is otherwise functional, but with regard to me and anybody who knows about what is going on who sides with the M, she seems to behave very irrationally.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
timeheals, again I think you are making sense. I do think my h is depressed and he does hide it from most everyone....he can function normally but around family (myself, his mom and brother) he will become irrational and angry. He'll just boil over and he has done this for quite some time. But now that he is involved in this EA he will say or do anything to make you think he is right and that what you know or think you know about it is wrong.
M 35, husband 35 M 10 Limbo 9/2009-12/2010 he left for his moms and came home way to many times to count Home 12/2010-present
I still say you need to quit focusing on the EA. Whether she is around or not, it is a symptom. It is just like medicine. If you treat the symptoms, the main cause will still be around and you will never get relief. For example, my S kept getting sick last month and I was at the doc all the time. We kept treating him, but really couldn't figure out the cause so he kept getting sick. Finally, I figured out the humidifier I was using had mold in the motor where I can't clean and don't look at. Once the cause was taken care of, he was treated and now he is great.
The same with your H. He is depressed and the OW, irrational behavior, moodiness, etc. is all symptoms of the virus depression. He does not want to get help, so you need to just go completely dark. Don't talk to him. Don't respond to texts. Nothing. If it is bothering you what he is doing then you have to detach because until you let him go, he can't hit rock bottom because you and MIL aren't allowing that to happen.
Also you have no idea if he is still with OW. She could be out of the state, or she could still be around. She may have found a new guy so H is upset and trying to get her back, or she may be out of the picture completely and he just got more depressed because of it. You have no idea so for you and your sanity you have to just let it go. I finally stopped snooping and caring about what H did in March when he chose to move in with his parents instead of moving back home. I have gotten so much better when I detached and just let H do what he wants. If he wants a D, I will sign the papers, but I will not file and he knows that I want to be with him, but I don't bother him and I don't care about what he does because he is the one choosing to ruin his life and be 28 and living at his parents (pathetic) while I care for our house and do everything so yeah...you need to completely detach and let him fall.
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
The same with your H. He is depressed and the OW, irrational behavior, moodiness, etc. is all symptoms of the virus depression
Maybe he is just depressed because he can't run away to planet fruitopia with the OW on his magic unicorn? Maybe being around his family and W feel like huge burdens that are holding him back from his big escape to lala land?
I say this not to be cruel, but you are saying the affair is a symptom of the depression, and that the depression is not a symptom of the affair and the choices that her H is making and confronting, the battle going on inside his head right now.
I don't see how you can make that diagnosis.
Going dark (as possible) is probably a good idea if for no other reason that for nichole to protect herself from the disrespect that is the byproduct of his obsession because he is blaming her and everything in his current life just about for holding him back.
Now, if the guy weren't having an EA, then this would be another ball of string.
It is clearly a chicken and egg type of problem (but note, the egg came before the chicken. There were eggs long before chickens. Slowly, with lots of tiny changes over millions of years, eggs began producing chickens that produced eggs).
While there is an EA (assuming that is still ongoing), there is no deeper digging that is going to happen, I think.
Counseling would be good, but is he going to seek it?
Last edited by TimeHeals; 05/24/1012:06 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
To clarify, I am saying until he fixes his main problem, which is the depression. The symptoms will keep coming back. OW may go to the other side of the country and he will just find another one, or maybe he will turn to drinking or some other horrible behavior, but in any of those cases, until he gets help for himself, the other symptoms will keep coming.
You need to let him find his way and just detach. I by no means am saying D, but you need to let him fall.
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
My h is unwilling to get any sort of help. He has pretty much admitted he is depressed but he isn't going to take drugs or go to some "shrink"... Anyway, I know that the ow isn't really the problem and I do think he needs to just be left alone. He told me the other night that he wants to set me "free" and he Is just going to muddle through life.
I have an appointment with my ic tomorrow. I hope to get some advice from her on how to respond to my h irratic behavior.
M 35, husband 35 M 10 Limbo 9/2009-12/2010 he left for his moms and came home way to many times to count Home 12/2010-present
