I haven't been on for a number of days, I guess in some ways I've been a little down and just pulling into myself. Had some stuff I wanted to do with the house this weekend and I'm not really doing it. Went to yoga yesterday - I've got one more class now that I've paid for, and then it'll be done - still want to see what I can afford. I've adjusted my W4 so I'm in a reduced state of alarm until I see the changes.
Anyway. The phone's turned off now. Couldn't get the antenna to work where I am, so took it back to Best Buy - worried about gas for these little trips now - but anyway, have hooked my computer up to the TV, it certainly will be a fair replacement for sattelite / TiVo as there's a lot of online content out there. Actually using it as a computer may be a little difficult, but will work that out.
I don't know, I've been in this manic phase the last number of weeks, with the home improvement and everything, now that I'm just letting myself be, kind of meloncholy again. I suppose it's good to feel all sides of this. The boys aren't here this weekend and being a alone is a little tough, not horrible. I guess I'm OK.
Anyway, haven't really been online for the past number of days. A little withdrawn I guess.
Hey - my boys got their Bear badges on Friday, that was really cool! XW didn't want to go with us - it's her weekend - I guess that's fine. I don't have any expectation here, but I'm aware of how seperate she's being. Her mother will barely talk to me now, which although isn't particulary troubling I guess, makes me aware of the extended family I've lost. Just strange. Heh - you know that saying you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family. I guess that's not really true, is it? I have been de-chosen.
You know, in general I guess I've tended to be a fixer, doer - a problem emerges, and I don't feel right until I have a plan. I have no plan now. I guess my plan is to just adjust. Maybe I need to stop seeing my situation now as a problem.
My boys have been difficult lately. I miss having a partner in those moments.
What else. Well. Going to try meatloaf this week. I think the boys are tiring of grilled chicken breasts.
Karen - yeah, I see that, absolutely. Maybe that's true of all of us to some degree - I've thought about this. We get together, things are great, and get married, and then don't know what to do, expect it to work. And we all acknowledge "it takes work" - yes it does - so grit your teeth and bear down and try to endure the bad times. Your key word there is "tools" - it would appear skills are required here. And we don't discover that until we're over our heads. Maybe.
XW certainly has said things like that, she has been trying to become aware of her contributions to the problems, and she's said that she does not, has not, spoken up for her needs.
I guess the view I'm tending towards is that things happen. You don't feel a need to forgive a natural disaster or an illness. You just figure out how to cope. This IS different in that it's a result of another's choice, but yes if you can somehow see that some things are in their nature or somehow inevitible, them maybe it's easier. Maybe it's more true for me to realize that it's easy for XW to be the focus of my negative feelings as I cope with everything, in a blind kind of way, and the important thing remains to be coping.
SR - I don't know man. I just really don't know. I don't know what to think about trust or promises anymore. Most people out there, if they change their mind about something, it's human nature. When your spouse does it it's the worst kind of betrayal. I don't want to become cynical. But it happened. There are some learnings here to sort through about really how to understand others and be in a relationship. And maybe to - mmmmm - temper my expectations so that I'm more aware of where a partner is in what they want and what they're getting out of the relationship. Did we believe in the commitments to the point that we were blinded to our spouses? I don't know.
Ah hell. Plus, XW it a little crazy. I knew that up front.
