reconciliation after divorce?

[any chance?]

This is a long process, I know. W first started talking D in November, moved to apt in Feb., now wants to file in June. . She is highly depressed. Been there for her throughout, but have tried to not pursue. Just trying to be a friend, as Sandi2 suggested weeks ago. Don't know what works, don't know when to call it quits. How do you know when it is over? Or am I just feeling depressed myself today? Thoughts would be appreciated.

[any chance?]

You can pretty much determine my mental state by the random postings as of late.

Leaving tomorrow for 3 weeks. W just told me that it hurts to be around me. She is hurting badly. Says she is trying to pull away and move on, but does not seem to be able to. That might explain the mixed messages. What do I do here? I know I should not get into R talks, should not pursue, should go NC. Does NC ever drive them completely away?

Confused, as always.

[any chance?]

Leaving today. W is moving back into our house while I am gone. Seems as if she is set on her D game plan. It is quite apparent that she views it as the only way to move forward out of her depression and anxiety. Once she ends her marriage, she will have lots of other demons to wrestle with. I think this is the culmination of D thoughts she started to have last summer. Don't know how to stop this runaway train.

Maybe 3 weeks in the house solo will be good for her. Maybe filing for D in June will be a reality check. Maybe I am just screwed.

Doing my best with GAL. Going NC while I am gone. Let's see if she contacts me. I have my doubts. I am amazed that 19 years can come to this end.

[TimeHeals]

Maybe 3 weeks in the house solo will be good for her.

NC might be good for you. You have to stop trying to fix her and hoping to fix her. That's her job, and there is nothing you can do about it.

You need to focus on healing and getting stronger yourself. What is it AC wants?

[any chance?]

AC wants his life back. Not the old life, but the new life with a new attitude and perspective. AC wants to continue to GAL. Wants someone to share his life with. Wants the rollercoaster to stop. If M is to end, all AC wants is to know he had a chance. Such is not the case at present.

[lees]

Go for it AC. It's out there waiting for you to grab it.

There's quite a few of us on here who've reached the same point I think.

Eventually the limbo just becomes too much hassle.

Get off the rollercoaster if your time to do so has come. Standing on the ground again ain't so bad.

[FindingMyVoice]

AC wants his life back. Not the old life, but the new life with a new attitude and perspective.

Morning AC, just wanted to stop by to say hello before you left for your trip. This sounds like an excellent mindset, I'm very happy for you that you continue to give a voice to this goal, despite how confused you've been feeling. I know it's a rollercoaster, AC, even in my own little sitch I find that. But that new attitude and perspective will help you even it out - spreading the high points out to gain perspective on and help you better manage the lows. Keep believing in yourself. You're worth it and more. Take care, PG.

[any chance?]

Thanks, PG. I am leaving with the understanding that I cannot do anything to control W. She is on her own. I think she is on the wrong path, with probable disasterous consequences. Things are undoubtedly going to get much worse before they get better. Hopefully she will be able to calm down and think clearly in the next three weeks. She will probably just steel her resolve, and continue down the path to D. I need to get myself healthy and centered so I can withstand the looming issues. I just hope she does not do permannent damage to her formerly wonderful persona. A big fear.

[FindingMyVoice]

Thanks, PG. I am leaving with the understanding that I cannot do anything to control W. She is on her own.

Good for you!!! Excellent!

I need to get myself healthy and centered so I can withstand the looming issues.

I'm sure you already know this, but just a reminder; If your goal of getting healthy and centered is to prepare yourself for happiness and success (rather than to withstand the pain of present or future issues) you'll likely be a lot more successful in achieving it. MWD talks about this in Fire Your Shrink! Change Your Life and Everyone In It. You can get it as an audiobook download - plops right onto your ipod. Might find it interesting and handy while you're travelling? I've downloaded a couple of her other works too and have found them equally helpful. Just a suggestion!

I just hope she does not do permannent damage to her formerly wonderful persona. A big fear.

I know you're on the way to this, but keep trying to remember that there's another half to this equation - you. The more you use up your time worrying about what's going on with her, the less time and mental energy you have to keep yourself moving forward, getting healthy and centered.

I have to sign off now, but take care of yourself AC. I hope you are able to keep posting while you're away. Keep those positive goals front of mind - will be thinking good thoughts for you!

[any chance?]

Long teary conversation as I get ready to leave. She doesn't know how to handle my family, who loves her dearly. Led to a long conversation.

She is unhappy and hurt. Hurt by revelations of deceipt on my part. Hurt by her behavior and disappointment in herself. Is convinced that I am going to move on quickly. Recognizes things in our M are deeper than a past affair. She is overwhelmed by the trust issue (her lack of trust in me, and, to a lesser extent, visa versa). I told her I am concerned that she thinks everything in our M has been a lie, which is very far from the truth. I have been completely open and honest, nothing to hide.

She says she needs to separate to heal. Needs to strike out on her own, make new friends.

We both commented on how it is two bad we did not recognize our issues earlier and work toward fixing them. Part of me says she is giving up and moving on, part of me says she is uncertain what that right path will be.

Hopefully the next few weeks will give her time to think. Only time will tell.