Nothing fits

[mishka422]

Glam, thank you for stopping by and for the encouragement. It is appreciated.

This morning was rough. I was in the kitchen doing dishes and Gabe came up behind me and hugged me and kissed my neck. It was nice and spontaneous and just felt right. He left the room and came back carrying a police scanner. He bought it yesterday morning at a flea market because he likes to keep up with what is going on in the county. I used to enjoy listening to it too when he was with the PD but now, the first thought that came into my head was that he bought it because he wants to hear the broom's voice. Remember, she's a 911 dispatcher. She will be on that radio all the time. That thought made me sick to my stomach yesterday but I tried to push it away. When he turned it on in the kitchen I started to shake. Literally shake. He asked me what was wrong and I tried to stop it and deflect to something else but I couldn't do it. It was hurting me far too badly. I just pointed at the scanner and told him that was the problem, that I can't stand hearing it because it brings up too much pain. He looked really sad and apologized and turned it off. He wanted to know why it upset me so much and I was honest with him. I told him what I had been thinking and how much it was bothering me but that morphed into more. I didn't mean to take the convo there but it happened anyway. I said that he had every right to do whatever he wanted as did I since there is no exclusivity here and that I think I'm just a booty call. He looked completely taken back by that and got angry and said that I'm not just a booty call, that he has feelings for me that he is sorting through but he's offended that I would think that was what this is. I tried to be clear that his actions and attitude toward me didn't seem like I was just a BC but my own insecurities and history stop me from having that kind of hope. My fear keeps me from believing that he could want to have a R with me again. He got angrier and angrier and then said that if I wanted him to leave he would find someplace to go. Then he had to leave for work. Not long after he left, I sent him a text which started a further exchange:

M-So I screwed up everything by being honest about my fears and pain. I'm sorry. I have learned not to suck it up and bury it because that makes it worse. If you want to leave now I will understand.

G-Even when you first let me stay with you I didn't think of you as a booty call. I have feelings for you and feel comfortable with you and now you think I'm just there for the sex but seems like you want it as much or even more sometimes.

M-I want sex, absolutely, but because I feel close to you. Gabe, I never stopped loving you and that has been driving me crazy. I was pretty sure you didn't feel the same so I've been trying to convince myself that you were only here for convenience and sex. I'm glad to know that isn't the case. I'd really like to see where this takes us. What about you?

G-Yes I wanted to try and see if we went further too but now I'm not sure.

M-All because I was honesty with you?

G-I'm just kinda freaked now.

M-Freaked about what?

G-About how you acted and still think you're a booty call and think I'm gonna leave suddenly which was not even close. Sorry I'm still a clam about things.

M-I know. It's really scary for me too. Opening up to you and trying to learn to trust you while I'm still learning to have confidence in myself is really hard but I think we're worth it.


My problem is that I won't even try to read him anymore. I used to be able to read him like a book even when other people couldn't begin to see him. After being so shut out and not seeing what was really going on I stopped trying because I felt I was blind to him now. I honestly don't assume that he's going to leave, but without any reassurances from him I was creating issues where there were none apparently.

One thing I know for sure, I love Gabe and that will never change. I tried so hard to push that out of my heart for so long but never could. Now it's reared it's head again and I've opened my fragile heart up to be trampled again. My own fault, dumb move on my part, but there is also so much possibility.

I'm just a scared, scarred little girl on the inside.

Hope is dangerous.....