Jackie....just checking in with a hug and a prayer..hang in there..I know you are feeling unsure of all that is going on..keep the good thoughts flowing...make extra time for you and your kids...if the hosue is not spic and span..who cares..take time for you..I have slowly been doing that..and it feels good.
Thanks for the responses. It is so great to read and hear the caring words. I need to read through them again and really process it and decide on what I should do next, or not do, if that may be the case. One of the things that bothers me is that I think all the problems he lists are fixable. Perhaps this all comes down to communication, or lack of, expecially after the kids came along. I put down the Mars/Venus book after he made his decison to bolt, perhaps I should pick it up and practice on him while he is not here.
Jackie, I agree, that isn't such a bad list. I felt the same way. All the problems were fixable. I don't know what makes them lose faith and think that you can't work together to build the life you always wanted. We know they can't fix it by running off wither. What makes them give up? I guess if we knew that answer, we wouldn't be here huh?
Me 47 Ex H 46 Bomb 9/02 D final 3/04 Ex H now married to OW
------------ This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
I feel the same way you do. The stuff my H has admitted out loud seems so fixable. And in my mind it's the small stuff. Now I can't say that to him because it negates his feelings and viewpoint.
And you are right, the dynamics of our relationship changed after the kids were born, but again - I feel like "hey - you adapt!". I think he envisions romantic passionate love all the time and doesn't realize that the love is always there but it ebbs and flows within your lives.
Now that we have revisited some of the romantic passionate stuff , he is happier with "us" and so, frankly, am I. But the kids are beyond the infant/toddler state and less dependent on me too so that makes a difference on my end that I don't think he realizes.
Anyway, keep up the positive attitude and take care of you!
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
It is just so hard to know whether the reasons they give us are the real ones or if it is just what pops into their brains and sounds good at the time. I think there is just an "overall" unhappiness much of the time and if pressed for whys - they throw out specifics that really weren't the actual cause, just a needle in the haystack. As my mom said when I asked what was wrong with my aunt and uncle when they split up, she said "nothing and everything". so, I think you might take his revelations with a grain of salt. At this stage, he is grasping at straws and it will take some alone time for him to really come to grips with it all.
Did you get out this weekend? Did H have kids? My goal this week (or next weekend) is to go see a movie by myself. I do think it will be empowering. I am gonna catch "Love Actually".
The pastor at our church (the second one, not the one I talked to last year) called because she found about our S. She asked me to come in and talk and she was great. It was just a big old chat session, but nice to talk to a live person who doesnt think i'm nuts for what I'm doing.
H emailed, wanted to know what the Pastor said. He came over for lunch, and I relayed some of the stuff, some of the questions she had about him, but he refused to give any real answers, just said that he is trying to figure out what this is about. Nothing and everything, that so does describe it cupcake.
We started kissing, but though H was interested, he couldn't let it go any further, didn't feel it was right. I let it go. He then has to press and press about things until I get upset. It is like he can't let it go, if I'm being pleasant, he has to press and find out if I'm upset at him. I feel this is a no-brainer, of course I am, but I'm trying to make the best of it.
The dynamics with his stupid family are really getting me down, and I'm not fully understanding it. One of the things that came up at MC was I push too much for family time, they live 2 hours away (ILs and BIL&SIL) I wanted kids to get to know their few relatives and if there was a function we would attend. Well, it came out that H would only want to see relatives once or twice a year. Now, he is picking up the kids Thursday directly after school to drive down to a craft fair by SIL. This is the craft fair that he groaned about every year and now he is taking off work to go? I, though, didn't get an invitation. Is he just wanting to make a good impression? Finding out that family matters? And why do I care so much? Why do I care if people I don't particularly like don't like me? I guess I'm as whacked as H!
An unusual day here. When H left yesterday after lunch, things were a bit weird because of the talk at lunch. H called during dinner about a glitch in the Santa shopping, Ijust talked about that and said goodbye. Then he called to say goodnight to the boys, we were playing monopoly and they really had no interest in talking to him. This is a first since he has left, usually they are excited to talk to him. When this would occur when he was on a business trip I would try to soothe him with...they are busy right now, they were talking about your earlier, but instead when s handed back the phone to me, he said, "well, that didn't go so well." I made no soothing noises, just agreed and said bye.
Last night good friends of ours called, the H is coming in to test for his black belt and usually stays with us when he visits. He has been leaving H messages (they work for the same company, how we know them and once lived here), but no response. So he called here last night and we chatted a bit and then it was, is H there? So I had to tell them as H was obviously avoiding doing so. I emailed H this morning to let him know I talked to them and extended an invite for our friend to stay here, but told him I understood if he would rather bunk up with H. Kept the email very short, but needed to tell him that he now knows our dirty little secret.
So, today on routine emails re: the kids, I am getting no response. This is very weird for me. I am used to being the one to stick out the olive branch, to try and make him feel better, to try and comfort him when he is hurting. My instinct is to reach for the phone and call him, but I'm tyring not to. To let him sort this out without me, and if he is mad at me for any reason, I'm not going to defend myself. I haven't done anythhing wrong. Are my actions non-loving by not chatting on the phone with him? Or is the guilt I feel just part of the letting go process?
Hi Jackie - Thank you for your posts on my thread. It means alot to me to get your viewpoint.
About you conversations with your H. I found it hard at first also trying to decide what it meant to be lovingly detached - friendly without pursuing H. I think it takes time, trial and error to figure out the right combination with your H. I think it is good for him to feel some of the consequences of his actions (the boys not wanting to talk to him, etc.), and I think you're right to try and be kind to your H, but not pursue. Alot of times I wanted to call my H back and try to make him feel better, but I tried not to just as you're doing. One thing that I think helped in my sitch was that when my H expressed sadness about the children, I validated like crazy ("This must be really hard for you.") When I wanted to say "You woundn't have to miss them if you hadn't left."
I agree that the reasons your husband listed sound like relatively minor things. I remember thinking the same thing - that, yes, there are some issues, but none of them were a reason for him to leave. Maybe they are valid, but it seems there is an underlying emptyness in the WAS. The list just justifies him leaving in his mind, but there is more going on inside him.
Your H does seem to see this somewhat I think. He seems to recognize that he has things to work through and think about, which is a good thing.
The kissing is a good thing too. Even if it went no further, kissing is good. I would count it as a positive.
Hang in there. Give him some time to sort through things. Try not to worry about the unanswered emails. Give him some time.
Take care of Jackie. (((((((Jackie))))))) You are doing great.
Mockers2
"Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Friedrich Nietzsche
, he is happier with "us" and so, frankly, am I. But the kids are beyond the infant/toddler state and less dependent on me too so that makes a difference on my end that I don't think he realizes.