My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[hoosiermama]

thank you, as always, BeingMe. I appreciate the affirmation; sometimes it's difficult to see one's own "blossoming." I do know that over the past 8-10 weeks I've turned a corner, feel stronger and more joyful, look to the future instead of grieving the past. part of it was due to the new job (and better income), a bigger part was reading "Journey from Abandonment to Healing" and recognizing the unique stages of grief in this process and then moving forward thru them, part was feeling connected to friends old and new and hence less isolated and ostracized. this is not to say there won't be occasional bad days or bad periods of time, but it's as if I'm alive again and not just slogging thru pain 24/7.

I do know that being present at events at my daughter's school/church (where I used to work) send me into a tailspin; not that I seek them out, but some are obligatory. it just isn't healthy for me, and I am so happy that her upcoming graduation (a week from Tuesday next) means I can put that entire dysfunctional system in my past. perhaps there will one day be peace with it, but for now the best thing for both of us is to make a "new start" as D14 often reminds me.

as for falling in love, oh--there are definitely days when I want to feel all those wonderful feelings again, to be giddy, to lose myself in the rapture of it all. but I don't know if I'll ever be able to see it without the filter of knowing about brain chemicals, seeing the "psychophysiology" of the whole thing. and that may or may not steal some of the magic!! but there's certainly no desperation for it. my friend who's coming for a visit this week...yes, I love him. yes, I think there's some serious potential for a very good and healthy relationship there. and I very much value his presence in my life and the support that we've been able to be to one another during the past painful year-and-a-half (we reconnected about 8 months after each of us had been left by our spouses). But I also know that, as much as it might feel otherwise, I don't really know him all that well. I know who he IS, always did--and that's a very good, real, kind person. but aside from that, it's difficult to get to know someone from such a distance, especially when we each have so many scars and such a protective wall built up around ourselves. I don't think I know him well enough to say I'm "in love" with him, to be that vulnerable; what I do know, I love and respect and it makes me want to get to know him better. and perhaps that will happen during this visit. and that's my only goal, really--to spend some relaxed time together, to get to know each other, to just "be" together and that's all. and then we'll see where that leaves us. because of the circumstances we've lived with, we have had a lot of intensity, a lot of "going deep" and helping each other process and heal and grow. it will be good to just be hoosiermama and Texasdaddy hanging out together. do I hope that it brings us closer? of course. but I don't feel any urgency to "make" that happen. and I think that's a good place to be.