The U-haul has come and I should go

[totite]

Hi Jackie. Wow! As I read the two posts by Manisha and Cathy, I felt like they were in my house. Much of what you are feeling, I felt a few short months ago.

I need to echo a few of the sentiments expressed:

1. Keeping up a house when you are working outside the home is tough, and it doesn't get any easier when you are staying at home. My job was eliminated 18 months ago so I stayed home, but kept the kids in childcare two days a week so I could try my hand at consulting. Here is where the different expectations entered in - my H harbored anger at the fact that we were paying for child care and I wasn't "working". Last year I collected unemployment. I did one project earlier this year, collect UE on an extenstion and right now I am doing two projects. This year I will bring in about half of my annual salary in a fraction of the time! Being at home doesn't make my house cleaner, I have one child all day, two half the day and three after school! I find that I get most of my stuff done when they are with my H.

2. My H doesn't wear his ring. He took it off several years ago when helping a friend build his house and never put it back on. It still hurts me and should he return, it is one of those things I'd like to address with him. I have mentioned it but it appears to fall on deaf ears. So I can relate to your H on that one. Get it resized, put it on and let him notice it. Bet that actions speaks much louder than words to him!

3. Couple time - the toughest of them all. This is where Cathy's words hit home. Working full time, raising three kids, etc., put H at the bottom of the "who needs me" list. Believe me, it won't happen again. We started having alone time at the beginning of October - after the kids are in bed he comes over. He'll see that I am tired and say "just go to bed" and I refuse and say the time with him is worth missing some sleep. Big 180 here. The kids don't know he is here because we don't want to confuse them. So we have two parallel relationships for now - but the alone time is wonderful! Maybe it would work for you as well as time goes on...

4. Be thankful you have your education and your Masters degree. Should you enter the job market, it will open the door, and your personality will get you the offer. I had a recent job offer that was in a different field from my Masters, but I know it got me the interview. Should you never use it working outside the home, I bet you use the skills acquired as you run your household and function within your community.

5. Cathy's words about differing expectations really struck me. I know that I had this ideal of what our family should be like and how my H should fit in. Reality is that his actions didn't meet my expectations - did I resent it - yes. Should I have - no, I should have talked and clarified our differences. It was foreign to have differences because in all other aspects of our relationship, we are so similar. However, our childhoods were different. I had a father that was present in my life - he didn't. That in itself is huge after all. I never thought it would be and that is why I am so determined to work our M out - so my kids can have both parents present in their day-to-day lives. It is ironic that since he left he has spent more time with the kids than ever before, because now they miss him more in between visits.

Sorry if it seemed like I hijacked this - that wasn't the intent. It was to let you see another perspective and know that you are not alone in your feelings.

Lastly, enjoy the time alone. It is so hard at first when kids are away, but in time (and not that much time) you will love the time alone. Now when my H comes home I will have to negotiate to keep some time for me alone.

(((Hang in there!))) You can do this. Be patient and strong and take care of you.