I want a new drug; one that won't make me sick Won't make me crash my car, or feel three feet thick - A new drug that won't hurt my head, won't make my mouth too dry or my eyes too red One that won't make ne nervous, wondering what to do, one that makes me feel like I feel with I'm... NORMAL AND ABLE TO COPE WITHOUT XW
For me that drug is Prozac. That plus exercise, time with friends, etc. Speaking of song lyrics; I was really enjoying the Eagles today; the Already Gone song when he hears she's going to dump him:
Cause I'm already gone And I'm feeling strong I will sing this victory song
Just real quick, it's late and I'm ready to sleep... Not taking Xanex anymore, but rather Klonopin which I understand is in the same family. It's a low dosage. Yeah, eager to wean myself off, but really I guess need to come to terms with what I need right now.
SR, what I mean about it's bad all around is, there's really no winners here. It just sucks for everyone.
Yeah, the songs I've listened to, many of them have really resonated with me, some of them stick and just really capture thoughts, moments, feelings.
Anyway, did see XW when I picked the boys up, and she's still struggling. She said that she misses me terribly.
There was a time where that would have been a moment of hope, but now it's just the same old thing.
Should it make me feel good whens she says she can't get over me? Sigh. Crazy woman.
No, she's not really manipulating, and she's not really flip-flopping either. It's the same "I don't want to do this but I need to" stance she's had. She's already followed through, we're done. And she's already said she doesn't want to talk or see me, because she says it's harder to cope, although when I'm dropping off or picking up the boys sometimes it's inevitable.
To some degree I guess signing the papers has finally driven home the finality of this. She said that she really wanted this to work, really wanted to be married, to have a family, all that.
I don't know, it's not really affecting me that much at the moment, it's all stuff I've heard before. I don't believe she's turning around or anything. I don't feel anger right now, it's just really sad. And although I don't like to see her in such emotional pain, there is some solace in knowing that our marriage was significant to her. I think that there are a lot of things going on inside of her, many that have nothing to do with our relationship, and many that have colored our relationship, that have driven her to this point. And also some things that made me distant, that I've discussed before, that she believes will never change.
It is what it is now. Just another day. Nothing for it except to keep on keeping on.
You know, there is a part of my mind that wants to I think either definitively condemn or forgive her - and then that decision should inform how I behave towards her. Honestly the question isn't relevent now, and I want to get to a place where that's how I feel. I don't have to figure it out, I don't have to understand, I don't have to make and hold on to a judgment. Doesn't matter. I want to let it go. It takes too much energy.
The "secret" I have as far as how to treat them..like the mailman or lady in this case. You aren't rude but not overly welcoming either.
You need to keep improving things about you and your life for you. Try not to worry about the whys or what could have beens because that won't get you anywhere. It will take a while for you to find yourself forgiving. Just remember forgiving isn't for her but for you and that it doesn't mean condonning.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Yes - its more about observing myself than any real decision. Anything I "decide" to feel over the last X months hasn't stuck, one way or the other, but I suspect I'll find peace on it someday. And part of that will be finding peace with the shades of grey of it all, of letting it be what it is and being OK with that.
I'm starting to see that the daily interaction will definitely make this more difficult.
Nothing else to say today. Things are what they are.
I'll never understand the WAS/(women?)- what they say and what they do are two things. All the hurt and the devastation for everyone involved even themselves but yet they won't admit they made a mistake and make amends.
Geronimo, hope you're having a good weekend man.
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
I was reading in a book recently something that our X's don't possess the tools to fix their relationships, and I think this is true for many cases. Makes it easier for me to forgive for some reason.
