Kim, thanks so much for stopping by. Your X sounds a LOT like my X. I've had some of those experiences, and I know primary custody for your X is never going to happen.
NC, you describe my feelings to a T. I guess b/c you've recently been there yourself. I'm feeling better today; one thing I've learned through this process is that I need to do the opposite of what I want to do when feeling down: instead of hibernating, curling up with Ben & Jerry, I went to Sunday school today & church. Gave me some strength and peace I was needing. I worked out yesterday, and will today also.
I talked to my friend the Pastor's wife today. She said after the Mother's Day sermon, which btw was written several days before that day, and the Pastor did not know my X was going to be there; just the sermon he felt he needed to preach that week. My X stormed out shouted at the Pastor "I'll be calling you; I'm going to call you" (don't think he did though) and told Pastor to thank his wife for stabbing X in the back (b/c she testified for me at the custody hearing last December). She asked our Sunday school class to pray for him and his anger. She said she's been angry at him for so long, but I guess she's realizing his messed-up inside. I don't think he lets many people see that. She said she's scared of him. I just think to our first 20 years together, he was such a gentle, non-angry guy; I don't believe he's been happy these last few years; he definitely doesn't seem so.
