Why are you letting him tell you when you are going to have the kids? Just because he is doing things and now needs you to have them doesn't mean he gets time back. Negotiate it out. Really if I ever meet the man I would kick his rear but good!
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
And I would gladly let you! Apparently X and OW are now married. When he gave me the support check today, he reached through my car door right in front of my face with his left hand, wedding band on it, even though he's right-handed. Classy move as usual. I am upset, although I don't know why. I do feel sorry for the kids, hating that OW will be their stepmom. Surprised they didn't say anything to me. Maybe he didn't tell them? Just another sad moment with the X, in a long series of them....
I got your message this evening on the alt, but FB seems to have "ate" my reply. So, I'll try to recap it here.
I know the sick feeling you are feeling right now in the pit of your stomach. I know what you're now going through. A little surprise. Disgust. Yet more betrayal. A little anger and hurt. Fear for your children. Uncertainty. And a large degree of offense. And another part of you is likely shrugging your shoulders at the inaneness of these continual petty antics of your ex.
I am sorry about your new sitch. I know it is a matter our of anyone's hands, but it is just not right all the same. I am sorry, for your sake, for all the grief you have had to endure from your ex, including this latest. I am especially sorry for your children, that their father continues to demonstrate the heights of selfishness and deception, now under the guise of M. It is not right that he and OW can now attempt a claim on legitimacy, to abuse the sanctity of M, after having so totally disregarded it. And to confuse the lines between Right and Wrong before your own son and daughter is a crime that is beyond measure.
Some people will advise you to "play along" and accept their M as legitimate, especially for your two kids, "for the children's sake at least". While I try to say nothing, I still do not understand the so-called "wisdom" of condoning sinful behavior even if (especially if) it is white-washed in the false trappings of what should be a God-given institution.
Guess that makes me a hard-liner in the eyes of some. Maybe so. I just feel one can bend things only so far before it becomes too distorted out of shape to have any real meaning.
So many people will bemoan the sad state of M today, but then do nothing even in their own hearts about it. It is all just lip service.
(And if you dare open your mouth about it, then suddenly you're the bad guy. Topsy-turvy indeed.)
Yes, we can and will learn to let it go, with time. We will endure and move onward. But it still does not make it right.
I feel your pain, I really do! Just found out from S15 and S11 that STBXH just bought a wedding set online last week for him and OW and we won't be D'd until July 20th! Shes' already trying to make decisions about the boys that should be made between their dad and I. But then again, just found out 5/19, my bday, that H is going for sole custody and sole decision making in regards to the boys when they have been with me more than with him since they've been born!
Hang in there,,they are crazy not you!! And altho its' terribly painful, (I can't even listen to the radio right now, just reminders of a lifetime of memories he will be spending w/someone else), it will turn out good for you and your children will havea parent who can truly support them thru this difficult time!
When one door closes another opens!
YOU ROCK GF!!
Kim
M44H44 M18 T22 Sep7yrs-3/10 S23,22,15,11 10/07I file 2/08D postponed by H 2/09D on 3/09H moves in 8/09I kick H out 9/09H-PA 10/09-2/10mediate 3/10OW discoved 5/10H&OW engaged 7/10DDay w/atty
Kim, thanks so much for stopping by. Your X sounds a LOT like my X. I've had some of those experiences, and I know primary custody for your X is never going to happen.
NC, you describe my feelings to a T. I guess b/c you've recently been there yourself. I'm feeling better today; one thing I've learned through this process is that I need to do the opposite of what I want to do when feeling down: instead of hibernating, curling up with Ben & Jerry, I went to Sunday school today & church. Gave me some strength and peace I was needing. I worked out yesterday, and will today also.
I talked to my friend the Pastor's wife today. She said after the Mother's Day sermon, which btw was written several days before that day, and the Pastor did not know my X was going to be there; just the sermon he felt he needed to preach that week. My X stormed out shouted at the Pastor "I'll be calling you; I'm going to call you" (don't think he did though) and told Pastor to thank his wife for stabbing X in the back (b/c she testified for me at the custody hearing last December). She asked our Sunday school class to pray for him and his anger. She said she's been angry at him for so long, but I guess she's realizing his messed-up inside. I don't think he lets many people see that. She said she's scared of him. I just think to our first 20 years together, he was such a gentle, non-angry guy; I don't believe he's been happy these last few years; he definitely doesn't seem so.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: you have a great pastor and church there. I think your pastor's wife is exactly right. Your ex, despite his sinful, nasty ways, does need our prayers and compassion. He is a wretched and toxic human being who refuses to find the fault in himself for the lack of satisfaction he feels in life. He really does need our pity and our prayers.
But that's as far as you need to go with that yourself. Give him up to God to deal with now -- XH is now beyond your concern entirely now. Let go and let God, as they say.
I know that is easier said than done -- believe me, I know very well -- especially when you still share children with the former spouse. For that reason you are forced to have to deal with the other parent on a regular basis. And that becomes the new source of consternation that will afflict you. But I can now see that while that will be a sort of constant in our new existences, we will eventually work ourselves to where it becomes part of the daily background noise we have to deal with. We will, perhaps with fits and starts, achieve a point where we have adapted to what has been a persistent thorn in the flesh.
And yet we will prosper, both in spite of and because of this one source of discomfort in our lives. Because we give this over to the Lord above, and abide in Him. His grace is more than enough.
Hope your day is going well! Yes I agree they are very much alike
I agree whole heartedly with NCB,,let God take care of it now, you don't need anymore of this stress. I think your XH is getting closer to hitting rock bottom than mine tho. I hope he will have an epiphany soon as to the extent of the contributions he made to the demise of your M! Don't know if mine ever will, he's always had someone there to pick him up when he falls!
I'm glad your going to church. I went a couple times this year but am having problems with feeling like I let God down because I did not honor the vows I made when I got M'd. "Til death do us part' is verrry difficult for me. I guess I just want him to let me know that its' ok,,don't know.
I'm actually flying down to FL on Sunday to see all my relatives! Staying with my brother and his wife in Royal West Palm and then up to Land o' Lakes to see my grandparents. Then Clearwater, St. Pete then back down to Boca,,all in all 10days,,not near enough time but I can't miss work for too long or I don't make $,,
Where do you live?
Kim
Last edited by Kim07; 05/25/1004:10 AM.
M44H44 M18 T22 Sep7yrs-3/10 S23,22,15,11 10/07I file 2/08D postponed by H 2/09D on 3/09H moves in 8/09I kick H out 9/09H-PA 10/09-2/10mediate 3/10OW discoved 5/10H&OW engaged 7/10DDay w/atty
I went a couple times this year but am having problems with feeling like I let God down because I did not honor the vows I made when I got M'd. "Til death do us part' is verrry difficult for me. I guess I just want him to let me know that its' ok,,don't know.
Hi, Kim,
I just wanted to let you know that I understand your feelings. I think it's only natural that we might worry that God is disappointed in us, having "failed" our vows. I can assure you He does not hold the LBS accountable for D, not when the LBS has done everything humanly possible to reconcile the situation. As a follower of Christ, there are only two circumstances where D is allowable -- when the WAS is unrepentantly unfaithful or when they have some other unrepentant immorality. In either case, when our spouse takes a path that is destructive to their souls and thus to the life of the M, and then refuses to repent and turn away from that, even after our earnest efforts to fix the situation, God recognizes we may have no other choice but to allow the M to end. (See Matthew 19.)
So, with that understanding, let me offer you the assurances that if you have indeed held up your end of the M covenant and sincerely tried to fix what was broken, but the M ended anyway, the fault for the D itself does not rest with you. We are surely accountable for our own personal sins and for our own contributions to the weakening of the MR, but under such circumstances the D itself is not counted among them (instead, that rests with the WAS).
Does that make any sense?
I hope I have allayed your concerns, at least to some degree in this. God does indeed love you, all of us, despite our own sins. We are all sinners. If we are truly repentant, He does not want us to allow our mistakes to hinder our relationship with Him.
Hugs and blessings to you, and to Karen for allowing me this brief hi-jack.
This is something I spoke with my pastor about last year, at length. On more than one occasion. And I am currently seeing a Christian IC to work on healing from the D. Both of these people assured me that there were Biblical grounds for the D (repeated adultery and abandonment, as xH moved out of the home 17 months ago), and that despite any shortcomings I brought to the marriage, the fact that I was committed to growing and making it better and staying together showed that I was not 'to blame' for the D itself. But it takes two people to make a marriage and the other person has the same free will that we have...
