The things your H is saying are alien speak! He is rationalizing to the world why he left. He has to say something - and he is choosing his reasons to reflect favorably on him - or so he thinks anyway! But DB'ing is all about validating the things that WAS say while making them feel secure enough to come back - so here it goes...
Care and upkeep of the house being too time consuming. The X and I had that problem too since we both worked and it can be very stressful. I can imagine it was the same for the two of you with his long work hours and you raising the kids.
Comment to H: Yes, the care and the upkeep of the house was very time consuming. You would like to work with him to come up with a solution. Perhaps hiring a maid to come in once a week or every two weeks. Perhaps hiring someone to mow the lawn in the summers. (It is cheaper to hire people to do the work than to maintain two separate residences!)
Engagement ring - can you get it re-sized and just wear it now? It seems to be very important to him.
The three years apart must have been tough for both of you. You both had to sacrifice. Maybe he is resentful of the sacrifice he made at the time.
Comment to H: I am sorry, I did not realize how difficult those three years apart were for you. How can I make it up to you?
Couple time together. I know many of my male friends ran into marital problems when they had kids - especially when the second one came along. The men seemed to feel left out b/c their W's become so busy with the kids. I know they just don't seem to get how much work it is for the W. After their long hours at work - they seem to expect their W's to be there for them when they get home. They miss their W's and the alone time they use to have together. The new kid centered life seems to be a tough adjustment. The lack of understanding makes no sense to me - but that is one the big things my male co-workers use to complain about.
So it is possible your H has felt neglected since you guys had kids. I am not sure how to address this w/o pursuing behavior. I guess, it your H opens the door for discussion, maybe you need to set up a date night a week and perhaps a weekend getaway just for the two of you every two months.
I am not sure how you should communicate these things to him... It seems like he must have known telling your mother these things meant that it would get back to you. It could be he is trying to communicate with you indirectly... The other experts on the BB may be able to guide you better...
Buy a big six pack of duct tape and keep it close by at all times. Hang in there. His reasons for leaving seem to be based on hurt feelings and maybe fixable - but sometimes WAS change the reasons for leaving once the original reasons are no longer valid....
BTW: In my book, education is never a waste. The years you spent at college helped you become the person that you are today. If at some point in your life you choose to go back to work - those degrees are going to open doors for you and give you an edge over other applicants!
Take care of yourself and maintain your PMA - DB'ing is a test in endurance. {{{{{{{Jackie}}}}}}}
