Newly Separated -- Need Advice

[SallyM]

(((HUGS))) I'm so sorry you are dealing with all of this. I can feel your pain thru your post.

Its been a while since I've been around here, but I still remember how hard my separation was. I would say the hardest thing for me, and what I would recommend to you, is to figure out what YOU want. for me what really helped me figure it out was journaling (and journaling and journaling) and my IC.

Do you want to still host the bbq? It might feel weird at first hosting it on your own, but it also might be fun to surround yourself with friends/family. its also fine to go ahead and cancel. Picture both instances in your mind...which feels better? You don't need h's permission for this...what do YOU want. Just because he made his decision not to be there/host it, doesn't mean you can't.

Do you want to go to the June wedding? When you think about being there on your own, does it cause you too much pain, or can you be gracious and happy for the couple? if you can and really want to be there, well, then go. I would personally not bring up the separation to them, I would just say h couldn't make it, and wish them all the best, etc. As for telling he about it, well, you can, but leave it short and to the point...send an email that you are planning to attend, so if he changes his rsvp to make sure not to include you. that's it. no explanations needed.

same with the wedding in chicago. if its his friends/his family, well, that could be awkward, but if they are mutual friends or your side, GO, have some fun. get a travel book on chicago and figure out what YOU want to do. it won't be the same trip you had planned with your H, but one thing I found was once I let go of all my preconceived notions/desires/plans, I was able to find some really shiny silver linings...I didn't have to defer to anyone else. If I wanted to spend the day doing something h might have balked at, well, I could. I had only myself to answer to. It was very strange at first, and it made me sad at first, until I embraced it fully and dove in.

yes, there was a lot of faking it till I made it going on. But I'll tell you, for me, it wasn't until I did a lot of growing on my own that my marriage was saved. I still missed my h and wished things were different (prior to our reconciliation), but my life was pretty full and I was happy and grounded and myself again.

good luck! hope any of this made sense to you. my kids just found me and are wanting to play so I have to run, but just couldn't not respond.

there is hope, no matter what your h is saying now. but in my experience, focusing on your own growth and gal are crucial right now. try to keep the focus there.

eta: quickly wanted to add you can communicate on your terms. I figured out eventually that h and I communicated much better...much healthier...via email. gave me time to process stuff before I responded, and took away the temptation to just react to the stuff that hurt me. yes, there is a lot to work out, but you don't have to do it for him.