Mal, Mockers, Pam & Opt--thanks for checking in. It feels good to be back at karate, though I have tons of work to do if I want to be ready to test in only three weeks! Yikes.
Officially this is all heresay, but my mother and H had lunch on Friday, though H did not want to do it, after a week of coaching mom and making her read DR, I think she was up for it and could do it without being antagonizing and from her recount of events, it seems like she succeeded. She said her tongue hurt at the end because of all the comments she bit back. So, you can teach an old dog a new trick (I'd be dead if she read that!)
What H said during conversation which we some of the problems and why he left (I wonder if he has this canned speech he gives everyone)
* He wants more time to bond with kids, didn't get enough because when he came home there is always so much that needs to be done in terms of care and upkeep of the house. This way he does his chores when he doesn't have the kids and can spend time with them when he does. He expects I will do the same.
* He is upset that I didn't wear my engagement ring after I got pregnant with S7. I got too fat and the ring never fit. I always hoped to lose the weight and wear again. Finally 9/02 we buy a gorgeous anniversary ring on wonderful day in Philly, two months pre-bomb. I had previosly stated I would just buy a wedding band, but he didn't feel that was good enough as it wasn't blessed by priest. I'm leaving all my sarcastic comments out, but I'm thinking if this is so important to him, I should make sure I don't take my anniversary band off during this time as it would be a huge signal to him, or should I and make him wonder? This is a man who can hold a grudge.
* We lived apart for 3 years while married, this is now bothering him. History: in 1990 we both quit our jobs so H could return to grad school. During his schooling I decide to get a second BS in teaching. H had to move 3 hours away for new job, I had to stay to student teach. I then decide to pursue my MS which kept me there for 2 more years. I always thought he loved the arrangement, he was working mega hours and we almost always saw each other on weekends and we got PSU tickets. I don't know if this has truly bothered him for so many years or if he is using it as a rationalization for what he is now doing. In 1995 he moved to Iowa and I finished up my course work and joined him as we were now too far to commute.
* The 3 years we spent apart were for naught as my BS and MS degrees are sitting at the bottom of the cedar chest while I am a stay-at-home mom.
In some ways I feel like I'm doing pennance for these past transgressions, but the severity of his feelings about this I was completely out of touch with. He also brought up that we currently have no couple time together, but that one seems easy to fix, it is the past that has me befuddled. What can I do about that? It is over, I can only apologize so much for not realizing it meant so much to him. It came up once in therapy in 12/02 and I did apologize, but do I keep doing so? Write him a letter. In some ways it seems like we have a lot of forgiving that we both have to do--him for my pursuing degrees I don't use and getting fat and not resizing my ring, and me for his actions and neglect the last 16 months. Wow, how did we ever get here?
