MI to W: I have decided I will not live in an open marriage and I will not model that for my children either. Your things are packed and in the garage. I will interview lawyers first thing Monday so I can dissolve this M. I'll give the lawyer your contact info." No discussion, MI. You are not negotiating w a woman who conducts her life as she has. Let her go. By her actions, that is what she has said she wants. Ok, lady...put your Big Girl Panties on and go. She won't be nearly as attractive to OM showing up on his doorstep needing provisions. She is his bit on the side ...not a responsibility. But let them have that moment. YOU will not abide an unfaithful W.
No discussion, MI. Get emotional when she is gone but NOT in front of her. In her presence you are composed, measured, sure of your boundaries and unflappable.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
If I could do that it would be great.I would do that in a second.Unfortunately according to my attorney I cannot kick her out.She knows this and told me she is going no where.She claims that she is doing nothing wrong about the kids.She threatened me yesterday when I told her about her coming home late and all of her drinking.I was talking to her and one of the kids came down and and heard some of it on their way out.She got mad that one of the kids were there when we were talking.She told me that if I don't quit bringing it up in front of the kids that I will get mine very soon.I don't know what she ment if she would do something legally or her BF was going to do something to me it was weird. She won't talk to them about anything that is going on.All she says is daddy and I are having problems.But they can see she is never home.She claims that she wasn't drinking that much.Which I don't know for sure one way or the other.I do know when I saw her at 3 in the afternoon she was drinking and I know how this group is and that is all they do.She didn't get home til 3:30Am.One of the kids were on a sleep over and did not know she was gone.I think she used that as a excuse to stay out later.Both kids were gone all day yesterday.One was with me and one was at his friends house,he slept over at the night before.I asked the one with me if he wanted to go home half way thru the day yesterday and he told me no and was trying to find something to do so we didn't have to go home while mom was there (his words).The other one came home about 6pm.She acts like it is my fault and gets on me for confronting her.She thinks she is doing nothing wrong.She wants to be with OM and she thinks she should be able to do that whenever she wants. The oldest told me this morning that mom was home all day and won't even talk to him and let him know what is going on while he was there.At about 9 last night the movie we were watching was over with and everyone was getting ready for bed,she went out back with her phone to text or call OM and when she came in she started yelling at me for pouting and stamping my feet around the house. Like she was guilty that she got busted out back with her phone.That is when she threatened me.I wasn't doing anything and was just singing and fooling around with the kids.I think she got mad because she was sitting there for a couple of hours and none of the kids asked her to do anything for them but as soon as she got up and went outside they came to me and told me they were hungry and asked me to make them something to eat.She got mad that I was making them food and she wasn't The youngest one told her daddy knows what we want. Why does she act like she is doing nothing wrong? I am at the end of my rope.I want her out.Is there anyway or anything I can do to get her out of here?
I don't know what I want to do. I really think it is over.I am amazed how all our circle of friends are handling this.I am the bad guy.She has turned everyone against us.No one has called except 1 person to see how I am doing.I don't know what she is telling everyone about our marriage.She has told me that I should of been a man and treated her better.We haven't been intimate for quit some time. I have tried and tried but she always says some snide remark and it kills the moment.Or she just doesn't want me to even touch her.She told me that she wanted a dissolution first and now she is threatening a divorce,What is the difference.She says she is filing it Friday,but I think that is the first time she is talking to a lawyer.Can she do this? She told me I was trying to be a super dad now.I told her that it is important to keep a eye on the kids now and since she turned all of our friends against me I have nothing else to do so I am trying to help the kids thru this.I have been off work for about a week and she has come home 3 out of the 7 nights after midnight.She just leaves and goes over our friends house and sits there and drinks and bullshits all night.The OM is always there and she has left there and went to his place a couple of nights.She came home at 1:30am and I thru her out that night and a couple of nights later she came in at 3:00 in the morning.WHAT DO I DO?Please any one with information please help me.Thank you
MI--- Been in your shoes.......They are VERY heavy!!!
In hindsight, I can now see how things played out in my situation so maybe some thoughts for you will help in yours.
#1 MAKE NO DECISIONS or convey decisions to her at this time.
#2 DO NOT leave the house OR attempt to kick her out.
#3 You need to become indifferent to her. Be cordial, but do not engage in her attacks as hard as that may be. Just make due as best you can as I suspect the time together in the house will be short lived.
#4 Do not speak anything official with her. Ponder seaking an lawyer for protection. Start documenting everything including the hours she is keeping. Only factual items though. Speculation is just that.
#5 Allow yourself (in private) to be angry and hurt. Keeping the emotions in will detonate at some point and cause more harm. As suggested, go for long walks, talk to yourself, talk to a priest/minister, or if money allows seek a counselor. There are many free avenues for release of the emotions you are having. But, keep it even keeled when around her and kids.
Her attacking you as attempting to be "Super Dad" is her guilt of her actions. My waw now admits that. But it was my instincts that sent me into that mode.
Focus on calm right now....do not engage her. Whether you wish to save this at this point or not is not really relevant. Focus on the well being of the kids as she clearly is not. But don't be a martyr either.....find that balance.
MI--- Been in your shoes.......They are VERY heavy!!!
In hindsight, I can now see how things played out in my situation so maybe some thoughts for you will help in yours.
#1 MAKE NO DECISIONS or convey decisions to her at this time.
#2 DO NOT leave the house OR attempt to kick her out.
#3 You need to become indifferent to her. Be cordial, but do not engage in her attacks as hard as that may be. Just make due as best you can as I suspect the time together in the house will be short lived.
#4 Do not speak anything official with her. Ponder seaking an lawyer for protection. Start documenting everything including the hours she is keeping. Only factual items though. Speculation is just that.
#5 Allow yourself (in private) to be angry and hurt. Keeping the emotions in will detonate at some point and cause more harm. As suggested, go for long walks, talk to yourself, talk to a priest/minister, or if money allows seek a counselor. There are many free avenues for release of the emotions you are having. But, keep it even keeled when around her and kids.
Her attacking you as attempting to be "Super Dad" is her guilt of her actions. My waw now admits that. But it was my instincts that sent me into that mode.
Focus on calm right now....do not engage her. Whether you wish to save this at this point or not is not really relevant. Focus on the well being of the kids as she clearly is not. But don't be a martyr either.....find that balance.
Very good advice. Only do much more than "ponder" on the legal front -- you need to retain someone. Preferably a good family law atty who specializes in "men's rights" and paternal custody issues.
As for her "turning everyone against you," separate these people into two groups: close friends and family that you actually CARE what they think, and the remainder. EXPOSE THE TRUTH to the first group, and don't worry about the second group.
"I have decided that I'm no longer willing to lie to cover up your affair" should be your mantra from here on out. You're being FAR too passive here, and it is that passivity that your wife complained about too. Time to LEAD, m/i.
Thanks. I am seeing a lawyer today. I don't know what is going to happen. Her mom keeps asking me if there is anything going on.She wants out as fast as she can.I don't know how long it takes to file or have anything done.I will find out today.I am affraid that if I piss her off she will make this a nasty divorce and I don't know if thats what I want.She first told me that she wants a dissolution but know threatens a divorce. What is the difference.I feel like everyone is against me and am affraid of the bull she is telling everyone.
