There is a joke that goes something like...How can you tell if your wife or your dog loves you more? Lock them both in the house and go away for a week, and when you come back, see which one runs up to you and is happy to see you! I see a parallel here. She treats both OIN and the dog alike. Some days she plays with them, and some days she talks about getting rid of them. And at this point, they both respond the same way. They are happy to see her.
She treats the dog better in my opinion. Thats messed up that your wife can not see you for a week, and not be happy to see you. That is my current reality as well as many others here.
1. Remove trees from the yard 2. Hang photos up 3. Buy things for the house
Does THAT sound like someone who is planning on leaving? Or do you think she MIGHT just be TESTING your resolve and commitment here?
She was talking about the future two weeks ago, too, as she was contacting OM, lying about it, fantasizing about him, and telling OIN she was still divorcing him.
I think we've all gotten caught up in the past 36 hours about one phrase of advice: "tell your wife that she's no prize," which Lotus herself said was NOT supposed to be "in those words." The KEY POINT some of us are trying to make is that OIN needs to call his wife on her disrespectful and rude behavior (something I've been saying for two MONTHS), and that she has to declare herself to be trying to reconcile or is she still out shopping for OM and trying to actively leave the marriage?
Yes, the above are normally good signs. But OIN's wife has shown herself to be a little different than the average bird, too. We need to know that she's doing these things WHILE sincerely not contacting OM, not lying to her husband, and not actively trying to divorce him.
you have to decide how much progress you are making and if its worth YOUR time to continue it or ask her to go and move on...
You just keep a look out for those positive signs, they are there... They won't be consistent, she's going to have good and bad days...
I agree with this, as I stated yesterday. However, I think that her "good days" need to be defined by IS SHE MAKING STATEMENTS (at a minimum) AND ACTIONS (preferred) THAT DEMONSTRATE A DESIRE TO RECONCILE THE MARRIAGE. Not "is she messing around with the dogs with me," "playing Family Feud on the bed" or "not being a total shrew."
Yes, some of their playful interactions are getting better. But genuine affair-has-ended, marital reconciliations are marked by good days and bad days and on the good days the formerly-wayward spouse doesn't still say they're divorcing you, and their continued venom toward the betrayed spouse (on its face, very normal) is followed up almost immediately by contrition ("I'm sorry I was such a b*tch yesterday; this is just all very hard for me," or some such).
THAT is the step I'll be looking for, along with HONESTY and RESPECTFUL BEHAVIOR TOWARD OIN.
Do you guys see that she's getting "paid" by OIN for bad behavior? Its been long enough that this is the current expectation, so why should she change anything?
How do, those of you who have reconciled, get passed the anger? Your wayward spouse has lied to you, treated you like crap, been disrespectful, and, often, shared intimacy with someone else.
The KEY POINT some of us are trying to make is that OIN needs to call his wife on her disrespectful and rude behavior (something I've been saying for two MONTHS), and that she has to declare herself to be trying to reconcile or is she still out shopping for OM and trying to actively leave the marriage?
You ask a very important question. How do you get over the anger? And I might add, the distrust.
It is very difficult. You have to look deep into your own heart to do it. It's not something that happens quickly, and I know I thought as much as I wanted it, I thought it might not happen at all. It helps a lot if the spouse expresses real remorse for the pain inflicted. When you can believe the spouse, as Puppy described above, that helps. And of course, there are the old good times to consider, and new good times that are happening. For myself, I had things I regretted too, so I had to be realistic about blaming.
And then there is time, and there is change. My H and I worked on reconciliation through the Retrouvaille program (www.helpourmarriage.org) and they taught us skills for talking to each other in new ways and taught us how to change to be better spouses. Unless we changed ourselves, both of us, and changed the way we interacted, I don't think true reconciliation would have been possible. Going back to the same old marriage is not desirable. You do need to create a new and better marriage.
Thanks for the explaination. I know after the first time my ex left I was never the same. No trust, just anger. It didn't matter what she was saying or doing I honestly felt nothing but hate towards her. In hindsight I should have walked away then. All I did was poison almost every interaction we had after that. I had always held her in such high regard but after that I didn't look at her the same way.
I was curious if others on this board had suffered through the same emotions. Thank you.
And I think its relevant because there will be a time in OIN's situation when he's probably going to have some anger to deal with over his wife's betrayal.
On the joke, maybe I told it wrong. What makes it a joke is the part about being locked in the house and neglected. A dog will forget that kind of thing instantly and just be happy to see the master. Humans are not so forgiving, nor should they be. There is a modicum of respect for another human being that is necessary.
