I'm off the advice stuff now that you're back to figuring out what stage the R with OM is.
I felt I had to speak up when a poster said the best advice was for OIN to start interacting with other women for some confidence. I'm just not a fan of that advice. It does not help divorce bust. It distracts and has potential to do more harm than good.
As it were, they work together 3 times a week. After the first exposure OM requested not to work directly with W anymore. From there I was told they still say "hi" and "bye" but nothing like it was. Then a little over a week ago my friend seen chit-chatting and that's when I called OMW and told her what was going on.
This caused problems for OM and he then played dumb. He then admitted to W that there was some communication and he would end it. OM then told W he would talk to the supervisors and I guess he did. One of the sups is a friend of OMW and confirmed that OM at least talked to her.
OMW and OM speak to us on the phone. OM swears and sticks up for his family. OMW gets on phone degrades my W and said "My husband called you ..... and said he could never leave me for that, so snap out of you fantasy world, you are a little kid, grow up."
W heard about this got upset and complained to friend from work that it was reciprocated and now OM is making it out to be all her. Friend from work tells W to "move on" and try to work on marriage (so I was told but who knows).
W calls FIL talks to him about the sitch, not sure if W told FIL the whole truth... but FIL tells W "Tell the people at work to F-Off" and "If they call the house again tell them to go F themselves" W loves and respects her father and his word is Gospel
Last edited by OfficerInNeed; 05/23/1003:46 AM.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
I don't know to be honest. We been here before during our sitch. I mean in the begging of our sitch we talked about having children. Throughout our sitch W spoke future tense and then would retract or contradict her statement or the next day.
I made a post around Easter time where W wanted to get patio furniture and I said "Sound good, where do you want to go?" then she said "Up to you, you'll be the one paying and you got too many bills already and have you figured what your going to do about the mortgage once I leave?"
We'll see how long this attitude last. I learned from the past, if she wants something I let her follow through with it, I was spending way too much money thinking I was helping our sitch only to find I was being setup for failure.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
W heard about this got upset and complained to friend from work that it was reciprocated and now OM is making it out to be all her. Friend from work tells W to "move on" and try to work on marriage (so I was told but who knows).
Good, lots of pressure in your direction. Each time the OM blames your wife in public it does a LOT of damage to her fantasy... which is a good thing... so let him blame your wife all he wants to... He's just driving your wife away which is what you want...
Originally Posted By: OfficerInNeed
W calls FIL talks to him about the sitch, not sure if W told FIL the whole truth... but FIL tells W "Tell the people at work to F-Off" and "If they call the house again tell them to go F themselves" W loves and respects her father and his word is Gospel
She won't tell him everything... I would love to see OM, OMW and FIL get together to chat.. I think those two would straighten your FIL out a bit too... He needs to get his arse out of the clouds too...
I agree with Lotus in part, your wife is not behaving like a prize for sure... but then again few of us do consistently...
It looks as if things are getting better for you OIN... I don't think this is the time to change your strategies... I do think they are making a dent, the holdup wasn't your efforts as much as your wife holding a candle for OM and OM NOT doing the WORK to END the AFFAIR COMPLETELY...
He clearly just distanced himself and was hoping that would be enough. That is NOT how you end an affair... His wife needs to educate him... mabye we can find some articles on how to end affairs and send them to OMW for HER to educate him on it... He likley wanted to remain "friends" to keep stroking his ego... But the end result was him leading her on like some silly high school game
We'll see how long this attitude last. I learned from the past, if she wants something I let her follow through with it, I was spending way too much money thinking I was helping our sitch only to find I was being setup for failure.
Yep, and I agree with you, dont' bankrupt yourself, your wife needs to grow up and learn how to spell budget just like anyone else does.
But the silver lining here is that she's showing some positive indicators... Just not many... She's not been a complete shrew for months...
Dont' be discussing children NOW, that's not a good idea no... Just make it clear SUBTELY that you want kids... If you two are out for example and see a couple with a child point that out to your wife with a smile... That should be enough.
you have to decide how much progress you are making and if its worth YOUR time to continue it or ask her to go and move on...
You just keep a look out for those positive signs, they are there... They won't be consistent, she's going to have good and bad days...
You have to decide if she's showing signs that things might gradually, VERY gradually get better as OM fades away into the background... Keep a VERY CLOSE EYE ON THAT
Dont' be discussing children NOW, that's not a good idea no... Just make it clear SUBTELY that you want kids... If you two are out for example and see a couple with a child point that out to your wife with a smile... That should be enough.
Oh no, of course not. I am talking about the first week or two into our sitch we were. Also I been doing exactly that, for example while shopping I pointed at baby shoes and smiled and said "I like those, they are cute"
I got burned by W too many times in the past 4 months thinking things are getting better then she drops the bomb again. I am staying detached as possible. She wants something for the house, let her get it, she wants something done for the house that I am not already doing, she do it or let FIL lend a hand.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
I have read the past several pages and have enjoyed the different point of views. I have to, though, agree with Puppy on this one. I think OIN is doing himself and his marriage a real disservice if he doesn't address her bahavior. I don't know that it has to be done now, but it does need to be done.
The first two times my WAS left to run back to her ex, I let her come back without making her "earn" her way back. I was consumed with anger but didn't hold her accountable the way I should have. It was a huge mistake. And I'm sure its why she had no problem doing it this time. Learn from the mistakes of others on here, OIN.
DLS, you have admitted many times to leaving your first W because of an affair, and now your current W is involved in her own affair.
I don't know if you should be offering too many "differing opinions".
Well. Some of us give better advice than what we use on ourself. I'm not 100% positive mine is currently is in an affair, but if you good folks want to verify it for me - I'd be more than glad to take the information and my feelings won't be hurt.
If I were to use my common sense, I'd say that yes something is going on.
It seems to me that much of the "softball" approach here is being based on this assumption:
OIN's wife has ended her affair, ended contact with OM, and is in withdrawal.
Even if that were TRUE (and I am FAR from certain that it is), there's a HUGE difference between a FWAW that is moody and in withdrawal, but is contrite, remorseful, and just having good and bad days showing her husband a loving attitude.
When my wife ended her affair, she was truly remorseful, and said all of the right things. Then she'd have a couple of good days, and then she'd be Evil Incarnate again for a day, full of venom and entitlement again, but then she'd apologize and then the fit would be over.
I'm seeing NONE of that from OIN's wife, and I'm really seeing NO DISTINCTION in her treatment of him now, vs. her treatment of him when he first came to this forum.
I just think that sometimes crap behavior is crap behavior. Someone please show me the GOOD cycles here! This woman has never recanted her current desire (and plan) to divorce OIN, and she's never exhibited an ounce of remorse.
Puppy
Do you guys see that she's getting "paid" by OIN for bad behavior? Its been long enough that this is the current expectation, so why should she change anything?
